By Muriel Gui -

The language you use when communicating your wants, needs and concerns to your partner is as important as the message you are trying to convey. Choosing the wrong words can leave your concerns unheard, your needs unmet and your partner feeling hurt and confused.

Using carefully chosen words that deliver the intended message in a positive, caring manner benefits both you and your partner by keeping the lines of communication open and allowing both of you to partake in a conversation without defensiveness or condemnation. Speaking your mind without considering the most appropriate language can lead to shutting down the conversation and can leave you both feeling unheard, defensive or retreating to lick your wounds.

The emotional bruising from careless, poorly chosen words takes far longer to heal than physical bruising, and the scars that are left behind can last a lifetime and can affect your relationship in ways you may not have considered at the time. You can avoid this by expressing yourself in a respectful, compassionate manner that will help ensure that your partner hears what you are saying and can respond in an appropriate, non-defensive manner.

Accusatory language or statements that begin with “You always…” or “You never…” immediately back your partner into a corner where they are forced to defend themselves and will almost always respond in a negative, or equally attacking manner. However, you can communicate the same message to your partner with more appropriate language that will make them aware of the issue at hand and, at the same time, will elicit a more positive, helpful response and open the door to a conversation that can lead to a mutually beneficial resolution.

Using respectful, carefully chosen language lets your partner know that you respect and care for them. Establishing this upfront will assist you in having your message heard, considered and understood. This method of speech is much more likely to ultimately lead to a respectful exchange; whereas accusatory or careless speech will undoubtedly undermine your current goal of making yourself heard and will likely prove debilitating to your relationship.

There are many ways to positively and compassionately deliver even the most devastating message in a way that allows you to convey your discontent or disapproval while also expressing your continuing love and respect for your partner.

There are four basic tips to keep in mind when choosing your language and communicating with your partner:

1. Think and listen before you speak. Take the time to think about what you are going to say and to listen to your partner before responding. The time it takes to choose mindful, appropriate language is well worth it, particularly when you consider how much more time it would take to repair the damage of careless words.

2. Deliver your message as you would want it delivered to you. Consider how you would react if your partner said to you the words you are about to say to him or her. Just as we should treat others as we wish to be treated, we should speak to others as we wish to be spoken to.

3. Use “I” statements. Beginning a sentence with “You” can be accusatory and judgmental and should be avoided whenever possible. Framing your message as an “I” statement is one way to own your feelings and express yourself without blaming or shaming your partner.

4. Come from a place of compassion and respect. Having compassion and respect for both yourself and your partner is an important key to healthy communication.

It is also important to remember that you have a goal – you want to be heard and understood and for some form of resolution to occur. Keeping this goal in mind makes it is easier to take steps towards staying the course for meeting it. Ask yourself; is it more important to find resolution, or to be right? By speaking your mind in a respectful, neutral manner you can get your point across without sparking defensiveness or causing unnecessary emotional damage to your partner and your relationship.

To reach your goal and open the lines of respectful communication, try replacing emotionally-charged statements like, “You’re such a jerk and you never treat me right!” with statements that express your discontent without attacking your partner like, “It hurts me to be treated that way. It’s disrespectful and I don’t deserve it.”

This allows you to speak your mind and convey your message in a manner that your partner can hear and understand without automatically adopting a defensive stance. This leads the way to more effective communication, and more timely resolutions, while maintaining an appropriate level of respect and compassion in your relationship.

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