Actually, Bill Gates and I don’t have a relationship but everytime my P.C. freezes up because Microsoft software doesn’t work right, I hate Bill Gates. I know he didn’t do it – his company made it and I probably paved the way byhitting the wrong keys. But I want it to work correctly, without crashing or freezing up. I just want to say, “Please fix it so it works right.”
But when I hear stories about the work Bill and Melinda Gates are doing, I love him dearly. Yes, he is a billionaire. Yes he and his family have every advantage. Yes, he knows there’s more where that came from. Some of us don’t have that priviledge. But he didn’t always have the wealth and he didn’t forget those who need help.
I am impressed with his generosity, in America and across the world. Bill and Melinda Gates plan to give away over $100 billion over the course of their lives. One hundred billion dollars. The give approximately $800 million a year to charitable causes. That can do a lot of good in so many places.
Melinda’s passion is about improving education here in the U.S. Their foundation has invested almost $4 billion in education, with $2 billion going to high schools. It has helped 2, 602 struggling schools create new models of teaching and learning to improve performance and graduation rates. The have furnished schools with thousands of computers in some of the neediest areas of the country. They have put their money where their mouth is. There is a great video from ABC news about Melinda Gates in a Bronx school. Take a minute to watch it. http://abcnews.go.com/video/playerIndex?id=6644258 (I would have embedded it but I couldn’t find the code. Sorry.)
What about you?
“Well, if I had Bill Gate’s money I could do something, too!”
Oh, sour grapes!
Do you have to have money to make a difference? It helps, but, no you don’t.
“So, name me something”
Well, let’s see. You could:
Tutor a child who is having trouble learning to read or do math.
Volunteer at the local hospital
Volunteer at the local food bank
Serve food to the homeless
Become a big brother or big sister
Help at hospice
Help pick up trash from litterers
Give blood at the American Red Cross
Deliver meals on wheels
Go to a retirement home and visit the elderly
Help Habitat for Humanity build a house
Help out at an animal shelter
Volunteer at your local library
Get trained and work on a crisis hotline
Help in a holiday food drive
Mentor a teen ager
Volunteer for office work in offices of charitable institutions
Volunteer at your local police or fire departments
Help children with special needs
Read to children
Record books for the blind
And the list goes on
None of these things requires you to spend money. Each one will help someone, especially you. Helping others in one sure way to make your own life better. Helping others is the shortest route to self improvement. You don’t have to be a Bill or Melinda Gates to make a difference in the world around you.
The language you use when communicating your wants, needs and concerns to your partner is as important as the message you are trying to convey. Choosing the wrong words can leave your concerns unheard, your needs unmet and your partner feeling hurt and confused.
Using carefully chosen words that deliver the intended message in a positive, caring manner benefits both you and your partner by keeping the lines of communication open and allowing both of you to partake in a conversation without defensiveness or condemnation. Speaking your mind without considering the most appropriate language can lead to shutting down the conversation and can leave you both feeling unheard, defensive or retreating to lick your wounds.
The emotional bruising from careless, poorly chosen words takes far longer to heal than physical bruising, and the scars that are left behind can last a lifetime and can affect your relationship in ways you may not have considered at the time. You can avoid this by expressing yourself in a respectful, compassionate manner that will help ensure that your partner hears what you are saying and can respond in an appropriate, non-defensive manner.
Accusatory language or statements that begin with “You always…” or “You never…” immediately back your partner into a corner where they are forced to defend themselves and will almost always respond in a negative, or equally attacking manner. However, you can communicate the same message to your partner with more appropriate language that will make them aware of the issue at hand and, at the same time, will elicit a more positive, helpful response and open the door to a conversation that can lead to a mutually beneficial resolution.
Using respectful, carefully chosen language lets your partner know that you respect and care for them. Establishing this upfront will assist you in having your message heard, considered and understood. This method of speech is much more likely to ultimately lead to a respectful exchange; whereas accusatory or careless speech will undoubtedly undermine your current goal of making yourself heard and will likely prove debilitating to your relationship.
There are many ways to positively and compassionately deliver even the most devastating message in a way that allows you to convey your discontent or disapproval while also expressing your continuing love and respect for your partner.
There are four basic tips to keep in mind when choosing your language and communicating with your partner:
1. Think and listen before you speak. Take the time to think about what you are going to say and to listen to your partner before responding. The time it takes to choose mindful, appropriate language is well worth it, particularly when you consider how much more time it would take to repair the damage of careless words.
2. Deliver your message as you would want it delivered to you. Consider how you would react if your partner said to you the words you are about to say to him or her. Just as we should treat others as we wish to be treated, we should speak to others as we wish to be spoken to.
3. Use “I” statements. Beginning a sentence with “You” can be accusatory and judgmental and should be avoided whenever possible. Framing your message as an “I” statement is one way to own your feelings and express yourself without blaming or shaming your partner.
4. Come from a place of compassion and respect. Having compassion and respect for both yourself and your partner is an important key to healthy communication.
It is also important to remember that you have a goal – you want to be heard and understood and for some form of resolution to occur. Keeping this goal in mind makes it is easier to take steps towards staying the course for meeting it. Ask yourself; is it more important to find resolution, or to be right? By speaking your mind in a respectful, neutral manner you can get your point across without sparking defensiveness or causing unnecessary emotional damage to your partner and your relationship.
To reach your goal and open the lines of respectful communication, try replacing emotionally-charged statements like, “You’re such a jerk and you never treat me right!” with statements that express your discontent without attacking your partner like, “It hurts me to be treated that way. It’s disrespectful and I don’t deserve it.”
This allows you to speak your mind and convey your message in a manner that your partner can hear and understand without automatically adopting a defensive stance. This leads the way to more effective communication, and more timely resolutions, while maintaining an appropriate level of respect and compassion in your relationship.
Relationships are the key to have strong community. When relationships break down families break down, communities break down and children are scattered. Our vision is to see relationships rebuilt, repair, restored and revived. We desire to see every day relationships transformed and taken from where they are to where they need to be. You may find more useful information on http://relationship-tour.com
I have had 2 incidents come to my attention in the last few days that have reminded me how important Humility is.
A colleague shared about going to another hypnotherapist for some help and the hypnotherapist tried to dictate what her problem was and only became more insistent when my friend objected.
A client who was horribly abused as a child objected vehemently when I asked if he wanted to connect with that part of his psyche still acting as if it was the child. To my surprise, he said, “No way! I hate him.”
These to incidents highlighted for me the ways in which we attack ourself or another because of the arrogance of thinking our view is the true and only view.
One of my spiritual teachers has said that Humility is Compassion towards oneself.
This made sense to me when I realized that it is a kindness to myself to reject fearful thoughts whose essential message is that I’m not good enough, or strong enough, or smart enough, or lacking in some other way.
Seeing this, it became clear that Humility is the source of true strength. True strength enables us to reject fear and the temptation to act on fear which usually means to commit some form of violence against ourself or someone else.
Fear always has an arrogant aspect to it, whether active against others, or passive against oneself. It is a refusal to connect with or to share with — a complete lack of generosity.
I find that thinking about a problem as being just a problem of fear makes it easy for me to indulge it. If I look to see how the presence of fear indicates that I am being arrogant and mean-spirited, it is much harder for me to allow the fearful state to keep my interest. For me, the thought of being arrogant or mean burns and inspires me to find a greater clarity and openness of heart.
It helps to open to Humility as the antidote to the arrogance if I understand that humility is not meekness but kindness to myself. It is a kindness to open to my true relationship with life rather than persist in my fearful fantasy.
Try opening to Humility by simply stopping for 30 seconds, and
stretching your arms out and up towards the sky and breathing in fully and gently. Imagine how you would feel at the end of the day if you took this break to open and breathe every 30 minutes, or every hour, or every time you noticed yourself getting tense. Go beyond imagining — do it and discover the power of Humility. Can you be this generous with yourself? Good luck!
Jack Elias, a Clinical Hypnotherapist in private practice, is founder and director of The Institute for Therapeutic Learning, a licensed Vocational School in Seattle that trains and certifies Transpersonal Clinical Hypnotherapists. Jack presents a unique synthesis of Eastern and Western perspectives on the nature of consciousness and communication, teaching simple yet powerful techniques for achieving one’s highest personal and professional goals. Since 1967, Jack has studied Eastern meditation, philosophy and psychology with masters such as Shunryo Suzuki Roshi and Chogyam Trungpa Rinpoche. Before beginning his teaching and counseling career, Jack worked for 20 years in sales, marketing and financial planning. Jack offers dynamic experiential workshops and seminars, and his Finding True Magic courses are eligible for credit at various universities.
Do you know the difference between compassion and sympathy? Did you even know that there was a difference between the two? If not then I think you are in for a big surprise!
These two emotions are actually so different from each other that they are actually antithetical to each other. Let me explain.
Recall for a moment the last time you felt what you might call sympathy for someone.
Thoughts such as “that poor individual” or “that unfortunate soul” are often associated with what is called sympathy. What such thoughts also convey either openly or covertly is the message that “that person” is a victim, is in some way lesser than others, is deficient in some way and therefore is a diminished human being.
This unfortunately, devalues the Divine Being that is that individual, that lives in their body and that has limitless potential to create whatever they desire.
Now I know that that last statement is one that will be met with great resistance if not some skepticism. After all, you might say, if that were true, then why are most of us suffering here?
Well I might say it is because we have devalued ourselves and diminished our true power by denying the veracity of the very statement in question.
In order to show this more clearly I would like to turn to the emotion we call compassion. Now because many of you confuse compassion with sympathy, i.e. sometimes use them interchangeably thinking that they may mean the same thing, I will define what is meant by the former.
By compassion I mean the following: to recognize that the essence of any human being is a Divine Presence, that human beings are capable of limitless creativity, that they have total choice as to whether they wish to have mastery over their lives vs. being victims of circumstance, and that they desire never to be thought of as anything less than all of this.
Now that I’ve defined what I mean by compassion and I’ve also given a description and example of sympathy I would like to pose some questions to you to drive my point home.
Imagine someone expressing sympathy towards you. Notice how that makes you feel. Does it buoy you up? Does it make you feel better about yourself? Does it boost your self esteem?
Now imagine that the same person showed compassion towards you, given my definition above. Notice how that makes you feel. Does it buoy you up? Does that make you feel better about yourself? Does it boost your self esteem?
If you’re in touch with your internal emotional life I think that you will see that the first situation likely evokes feelings of inadequacy, weakness, vulnerability, ineffectiveness and low self esteem.
Conversely the second situation will evoke feelings of lightness, strength, confidence, resilience, and high self esteem.
If you are with me so far you will recognize immediately the crucial difference between compassion and sympathy. By the way compassion is another word for Love. Is there another word for sympathy?
So in essence what you are doing when you are recognizing who other people truly are, i.e. Divine Beings, you are expressing your love towards them in the greatest sense of the word. Isn’t this also what you would like others to do for you, to recognize who you truly are?
If you’d like to learn more about this kindly visit the web link below and hear a special message I have posted for you there.
Dr. Nick Arrizza is trained in Chemical Engineering, Business Management & Leadership, Medicine and Psychiatry. He is an Energy Psychiatrist, Healer, Key Note Speaker,Editor of a New Ezine Called “Spirituality And Science” (which is requesting high quality article submissions) Author of “Esteem for the Self: A Manual for Personal Transformation” (available in ebook format on his web site), Stress Management Coach, Peak Performance Coach & Energy Medicine Researcher, Specializes in Life and Executive Performance Coaching, is the Developer of a powerful new tool called the Mind Resonance Process(TM) that helps build physical, emotional, mental and spiritual well being by helping to permanently release negative beliefs, emotions, perceptions and memories. He holds live workshops, international telephone coaching sessions and international teleconference workshops on Physical. Emotional, Mental and Spiritual Well Being.
Business URL #1: http://www.telecoaching4u.com
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This morning when I started working on this blog, I opened the Dashboard, as usual, to deal with the comments. Often I get great comments about the articles I've posted. Occasionally, I get comments by someone who thought the article was wrong, needed changing, or just didn't measure up. I welcome … [Read More...]
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