Belief Changes Everything

beliefslrgBy Annette Vaillancourt -

“I’ll SEE it when I BELIEVE it.” That’s right. You didn’t read that wrong. I’ll SEE it when I BELIEVE it. Not the skeptic’s oft quoted “I’ll BELIEVE it when I SEE it.”

In my nearly 20 years of doing therapy I’ve witnessed first hand the malleable nature of so called “reality.” Sometimes, I begin to think of reality as just someone’s deeply held opinion or belief. In fact, I’ve seen how powerful it is when someone challenges or changes a long held or unexamined belief. When they do start to question and ask “Says who?” reality starts to change as well.

For example, I teach clients how to visualize and affirm positive outcomes to situations they’re worried about or feel pessimistic about. I call this “worrying about things going right” or “positive worry.” Negative worry consists of vividly imagining a situation going wrong. The clients who are most successful in turning things around are able to form a vivid picture in their mind’s eye of a positive outcome. As a colleague of mine once said, “If your going to create a reality in your imagination, why not make it be flattering to you?”

A powerful example from my own life of this new way of looking at things came when I was studying for my prelims — or what I like to call “Everything You Ever Wanted to Know About Psychology, But Were Afraid To Ask.” In preparation for this comprehensive exam, diligent grad students will study for 3-6 months, practically living in the library, digesting and synthesizing tons of material. The stress of prelims likely has caused even the most earnest and dedicated student to consider a change of career. Either that, or the stress may have launched a fresh batch of alcoholics.

The overarching belief about prelims is that the entire process – from start to finish – would be awful. Indeed, it SHOULD be awful – a sort of trial by fire or rite of passage. For some unknown reason, I decided upon a paradigm shift right at that critical stage of my academic career. I decided to change my “reality” and make prelims fun. I wondered what would happen if I just studied when I felt like it, instead of forcing myself to do so when I wasn’t inclined. Looking back, I guess you could say I trusted myself.

Taking this approach, I found myself studying at odd hours, sometimes briefly, sometimes in the “zone” for hours. Plus – here’s the point of this long set up – I would practice visualizing the day of the exam down to the tiniest detail and seeing myself go through the day calmly and with confidence.

Guess what! It went EXACTLY as I had imagined it – from going mentally “blank” in the shower right down to the type of paper I was given to write my essays. Oh, and of course, I passed on my first attempt. Whee!

So…….

*What ideas do you hold about reality and the way things work that need to be challenged? *If you think yourself fearful, ask “Says who?” and imagine yourself acting bravely or assertively. *If you think you will fail in a certain situation, ask “Says who?” and imagine your self acting confidently and effectively in that situation. *If you think you can’t be, do or have what you want, ask “Says who?” and imagine yourself acting on your wants and getting what you want. When you SEE it, you’ll believe it and are more likely to take action in that positive direction.

In sum, trying worrying about things going RIGHT for a change. Go over and over it. Truly worry positively for at least as much or more than you’d worry negatively. Wear a positive expectation rut in your brain, so that when the situation comes along, you will follow the road to success. Then when the situation goes as you imagined it, you can shout, “I KNEW IT!”

Annette Vaillancourt, Ph.D., LPC
220 W. Argonne, Suite 100E
Kirkwood, MO 63131
314-246-0507
http://www.GotStressGetHelp.com

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Annette_Vaillancourt
http://EzineArticles.com/?Belief-Changes-Everything&id=4743905

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Living the Good Life

sunset2

By Irene Conlan -

When I was a child I would hear the adults refer to “the good life.” I didn’t think much about it because to me life was already good. I had parents who loved me, friends, school and hours and hours of play. Looking back, I am still convinced that what I had then was “the good life.” As I got a little older and heard the phrase, I assumed it meant a lot of money, a big house, a new car, fancy clothes and the ability to do whatever I wanted to do. Close, but no cigar.

I heard the phrase not too long ago and it caused me to stop and think about what it meant. Just what is “the good life?”  Are happiness and the good life the same. I can’t answer that for everyone, but, for me I think it is the same.

I remember an email that I received some time ago (that I can’t find now) that told about a mother and daughter who always wished each other “enough.”  I find a hint to what “the good life” means to me in that phrase – “I wish you enough.” Enough what? In my way of thinking, and I believe it is different for each of us, the good life for me would is having enough:

  • money
  • beauty
  • safety
  • nourishment
  • friendship
  • knowledge/wisdom
  • freedom
  • challenge
  • love

I don’t know whether to put pain and heartache on the list. I think they, like salt, are needed to flavor the good life with understanding, compassion and generosity. In my opinion they are needed to build character but for some they are more destructive than constructive so I’ll leave them off.

After I made the list I looked at it again. (I know this is not an exhaustive, all encompassing list. It is a list that simply works for me. And my lists have a way of changing over time as I’m sure they do for most list makers). This time I asked myself, which of these things can be left off the list and still allow me to have “the good life?” What can I do without and still be happy?

As I went through the list one item at a time, I discovered that I could leave everything off the list with the exception of three things:

1. Nourishment. Food and water are essential for existence. However, expensive “caviar and champagne” are not requisites of  life or even “the good life” – nourishment is required and it doesn’t need to be gourmet for survival or for happiness.

2. Freedom. I wonder if I hadn’t known freedom all my life would I be keenly aware of its absence?  If I didn’t know the greatness of freedom of both choice and action  would I be able to be truly happy without it? I can’t answer that. I know that when I’ve been confined to bed or the house because of illness, my life felt cramped and limited. I hope I never need to discover the answer. For me the good life requires freedom.

3. Love. Love is the sine qua non of happiness or “the good life” for me. Without it nothing else satisfies and with it, nothing else really  matters. Love is where “it’s at.” Love. Think about it.

There is one last thing. It is like the ribbon on the package that ties it all together. Appreciation.  If I have “more than enough” of everything on my list  but don’t appreciate any of it, I probably will never know “the good life.”

Nourishment, freedom and love are the big three for me. Add on appreciation and life becomes quite glorious.

I wish you “enough” and that includes appreciation of everything you have and are.

Have a great day. Have a good life.

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Understanding Your Unique Potential

freedom 1By Nacie Carson -

You have a unique potential that no one else in the world shares.  The person you have the ability to be and the life you have the possibility to lead are completely original to you.  Your unique potential makes you an integral element in the fabric of the human story, and whether you are aware of it or not, you have a role to fulfill in shaping the future, even if it is just in microscopic ways.

Yet in our modern world of Blackberry phones, 24/7 news channels, email, IMs, and global communication, our personal understanding of unique potential becomes clouded by one of the most horrible feelings known to man: the should mentality.

The should mentality is that little voice we all have in the back of our minds that tells us what we should be doing based on what we think is expected of us.  When you graduate college you should get a 9-5 job.  You should get married and live in the suburbs with 2.5 kids.  You should aspire to a corner office and gold watch when you retire.

At first, following the voice of the should mentality feels good – we typically receive a lot of praise from those around us who also believe in what people should do with themselves.  Our parents, bosses, coworkers, romantic partners, and even friends are all there to cheer us on and congratulate us when we achieve those milestones in life we should want: promotion, job, house, car, children, vacation home, golden retriever.

However, after some time – it can be hours, weeks, years, or just minutes – the shiny feelings of living a should  life start to wear off, and we are left struggling with one horrifying question:

If I am doing everything I should be doing, then why does it feel so wrong?

How many of you have stopped one day and felt like unhappiness and dissatisfaction hit you like a ton of bricks?  Like you had done everything right but were still so unconditionally and unfairly unhappy?  How does this happen, and why?

Over the past several years, I have spent a lot of time with clients who have felt exactly this way.  Like the rug was pulled out from under them, and like they suddenly felt purposeless and inconsequential.  And almost every time the cause was the same: these people were unaware of their unique potential.
Your unique potential is a niche in the structure of the world that only you can fill.  One of my favorite ways to imagine it is like the very simple child’s game of fitting basic shape cut-outs into the right space on a wooden board.  The triangle is the only shape that can fit into the triangle shaped hole, the circle is the only shape that can fit into the circular hole, etc.

Our unique potential is like that: a specific and original shape that is the only thing that can fit into an “us”-shaped hole in life.

So if we all have a unique potential that is ours and ours alone, then why these feelings of incompleteness and unhappiness? If we all have a unique potential then how does the should mentality ever really affect us?

While you are born with your own unique potential already a part of you, you are not born with the guarantee you will achieve it – that is something you must consciously work toward on your own.  Most of us find it easy to begin the process of understanding our unique potential as children, and then as we grow and develop societal pressures and the challenges of the should mentality conflict with our desire to achieve our unique potential.  After all, it is uncomfortable to be different, to be unique, from our peers. The result is people one day realize that while they have achieved significant goals on the should track, they have no understanding of their own unique potential or their purpose in the world.

The good news – no, the wonderful news – is that while you may feel like you have no sense of specific purpose in this world and have no idea what your unique potential might be, it is never too late to find out.

Let me say it one more time: it is never too late to find out.

The great journey of life is this process of understanding our unique potential, and it is only over when our hearts stop beating.  Every minute you have here is a chance to find out what your purpose is and how you can start to achieve it every day.  It will take time, effort, and some struggle, but when you are on the path to achieving your unique potential you will feel it in the very core of you.

Don’t spend one more moment of your life making choices you think you should be making and start listening to what your inner most self is advising you to choose.  By making the commitment to consciously work toward fulfilling your unique potential today, you are turning a corner to a better, more fulfilled life tomorrow.

Here’s to your unique potential – here’s to your Uncommon Life!

Nacie Carson is a personal development specialist and published author.  She is the founder of The Life Uncommon, an online community dedicated to helping individuals live authentic, productive, and successful lives.  http:www.thelifeuncommon.net

I want to thank Nacie Carson for this great article. This week we exchanged articles and her outstanding article on potential is here. Her web site - http:www.thelifeuncommon.net – is a “must visit.”

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Intelligence is not under genetic control: you can choose to change it

beliefsBy Mark Ashton Smith, Nov 2009 – for The Self Improvement Blog

Irene’s note: Thank you, Mark, for this great article. all readers of the SI Blog to take a serious look at this article, particularly the section on nutrition. If you eat margarine, you will have a surprise. I encourage you to visit Mark’s website at http://www.iqlift.com/

Whether intelligence is largely determined by genetics or environment has long been hotly contested. Scientists have generally estimated that the genetic contribution lies somewhere between 50% – 80% – that most of our intelligence is under genetic control.

“Many if not most experts on intelligence in the late twentieth century believed that intelligence and academic talent are substantially under genetic control — that they are wired in and more or less unfold in any reasonably normal environment. Such experts were suspicious about the likely effect of any effort to improve intelligence and were not surprised when interventions such as early childhood education failed to have any lasting effect.” (Nisbett, Intelligence and How to Get It: Why Schools and Culture Count,  2009.)

Many scientists have doubted that people can become smarter as a result of improvements in education, changes in society or personal choices. And some educational administrators have now adopted this attitude in their pedagogy.
This article gives compelling reasons to challenge  this attitude.

Identical twin studies and ‘heritability’

The standard statistic used to measure the contribution of genes to a trait like intelligence is heritability. Heritability is the proportion of variation in intelligence in a population that can be accounted for by genetic factors rather than environmental ones. If everyone took an IQ test) and scored exactly 100, we couldn’t get a heritability estimate. We need differences in scores. IQ scores are in fact spread out like a bell curve, with most people scoring around the average (100), and some people scoring low and some high. What accounts for this variation in scores? Why do some people score high and some low? Is it entirely due to genes? Is it entirely due to differences in upbringing or diet? Or is it a mix of both genes and environment? Heritability is the statistic that estimates the inherited genetic contribution to the mix of influences.

The correlation between IQ scores of identical twins who have been adopted and reared apart in different household and educational environments directly measures heritability. Identical twins raised separately following adoption show a high correlation (a measure of association) of 0.72 (out of a total of 1.0) for intelligence. In other words, if you know one twin’s intelligence, it strongly predicts what the other twin’s intelligence will be – despite their different rearing environments. It is this twin data that is the strongest evidence for a large genetic component to intelligence. Identical twins have identical genes.

Problems with identical twin studies and the ‘heritability’ statistic

For this identical twin methodology to be valid, it’s important that the twins are raised in entirely different environments. But there are many ways in which even adopted twins, separated at birth, share the same environment. First, identical twins share the same fetal environment which is known to influence intelligence. Prenatal environment has an influence on intelligence even for non-twin brothers or sisters that share the same womb consecutively. Second, twins are likely to be selectively placed into similar (but separate) adoptive homes – they are certainly not just ‘randomly’ assigned to different households which is what is needed for an accurate heritability measure. Third, adoptive families have strong similarities in the value that they place on child raising: they tend to share similar educational values. All these environmental factors contribute to that 0.72 correlation between separately adopted identical twins’ IQ scores, but they are not taken into account by the classic studies that come up with high heritability measures of between 0.50 and 0.80. Traditionally it has been argued that if identical twins are reared separately in different households after birth, if they are generally similar in their level of intelligence this HAS to be due to genetics, but here we can see that this similarity is due in part to all these other factors too. If you take these other influences into account it is clear that the heritability of intelligence has been exaggerated. The environment has a much greater impact than we have been led to believe. We can conclude that our environment (including parenting, diet, physical health and exercise, education, and targeted brain training) has a greater influence on intelligence than our genes do. This has been argued with painstaking scientific rigour by Nisbett in his 2009 book Intelligence and How to Get It: Why Schools and Culture Count.

What environmental factors change your intelligence?

Breast feeding

The duration of breastfeeding during infancy has been associated with higher IQ in children. Breastfeeding during infancy is associated with enhanced childhood cognitive development by 2–5 IQ points for full-term infants and 8 points for those of low birth weight. These are striking effects. If your baby is premature it is particularly important to breast feed – or supply the equivalent nutrients – for the child’s cognitive development.

Nutrition and intelligence

In a recent carefully controlled study looking at the association between intelligence and diet at 3.5 and 7 years, with a sample of 591 children, a number of dietary factors to be significantly and positively associated with intelligence. These included the following:

Breads and cereals

At  3.5 years the difference in total IQ scores for children who ate breads or cereals four or more times per day was 4 points  higher than for children not consuming bread and cereals at these levels. Breads and breakfast cereals in this study were the main sources of iron and folate, both of which are known to be important in cognitive development.

Fish

Children who ate fish at least weekly at 7 years of age had significantly higher IQ scores than those children who did not, with a difference of about 3.5 IQ points. Fish contains a number of nutrients that have been associated with cognitive functioning. For example, fish is a good source of protein, bioavailable iron, zinc, vitamin B-12 and iodine. Seafood is also a good source of vitamin B-12, iron and zinc. Importantly, fish provides a rich source of omega-3 which is known to benefit cognitive development.

Margarine

Children who ate margarine daily had IQ scores that were approximately 3 points lower than children who did not.  This negative impact of margarine on IQ was even greater for children who were born underweight. At 7 years of age, these children who ate margarine at least daily had a 6 point lower IQ compared to 7 year olds who did not eat margarine daily! Staying clear of margarine is particularly important for babies who are born small.
Butter, on the other hand, was found not to have a negative impact on intelligence. At 3.5 years of age butter was in fact positively associated with intelligence for babies born underweight. So don’t confuse margarine and butter in your baby’s diet! Stick to butter.

It is likely that it is the trans fatty acids or hydrogenated fats in margarine that are the culprit. Trans fatty acids have been associated with poorer cognitive performance in adults. Trans fatty acids may impair the metabolism of ‘smart fats’ like Omega 3.

Globalization & our ‘information processing age

There has been a rise in the average IQ score of around 3 points per decade (although the figure varies from country to country) throughout the 20th century, from the time standardized intelligence tests were first used. A steady rise of intelligence has been observed consistently across the globe, not just western developed countries. Back in 1955 when the Wechsler Adult Intelligence Scale (WAIS) was first published, the average score for 20 year olds was 100 – the test was designed so that the average would be 100. But 20 year olds taking the same exact test now score an average of over 115! Intelligence levels have increased throughout the population. This is called the Flynn Effect, named after the psychologist who identified it and brought it to our attention.

flynn
These large increases in intelligence throughout the 20th century show conclusively that intelligence can be changed, on a national basis, by non-genetic influences. Better nutrition is likely to account for some of this IQ increase. In addition, the vast expansion of education – on a global scale – has had a great impact.

Many studies find that children who do not attend school score lower on the tests than their regularly attending peers. In the 1960s, when some Virginia counties closed their public schools to avoid racial integration, compensatory private schooling was available only for white children. During this period, the African-American children who received no formal education fell back at a rate of about six IQ points per year. Length of average schooling – throughout most countries globally – has steadily increased over the past century.

As Nisbett argues, the substantial impact of education on IQ gives out a positive message: If all kids are capable of learning under the right circumstances, parents and teachers should never give up on children who appear to be low performers. Everyone has the inherent ability to be smart.

Along with education, cultural changes, all of which make the world more intellectually challenging and stimulating in our global ‘knowledge economy, are likely to have had a great impact on increasing intelligence levels.

Adult brain training
Intelligence levels can be changed not just through childhood and the process of education and enculturation. Recently a brain training exercise for adults has been successfully developed by Dr Jaeggi and her colleagues at the University of Bern in Switzerland and the University of Michigan and the States, that has been demonstrated to improve fluid intelligence – our ability to reason and problem solve in new situations – by a striking 40% as measured by a well-known, standardized IQ test.  This resulted from just half an hour of training per day for 19 days. Training with this exercise called the ‘dual n-back’ has also been shown to increase neural activity in part of the frontal lobe known to be involved in higher cognitive functioning, and to increase the density of neurons’ receptors for dopamine, a neurotransmitter involved in higher cognition. This is called synaptic plasticity – it occurs at the level of the connections between individual neurons.

Conclusion

We can conclude with a very positive message for those of us who like to take life into our own hands and make informed choices. Intelligence is not hard-wired for ourselves or our children. We can choose to improve our cognitive functioning and become smarter.  In becoming smarter, we have more cognitive resources to help build the lives that we want for ourselves and our children.

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For self improvement you need self awareness

Care For Yourself

By Irene Conlan -

Self awareness is not for sissies. It is not easy. Self awareness is knowing why you do what you do, think like you think, react like you react, love what you love, dislike what you dislike. It means being aware of your thoughts, emotions, energy, spirit and body. This is what Richard Bach was getting at when he said:

We wait all these years to find someone who understands us, I thought, someone who accepts us as we are, someone with a wizard’s power to melt stone to sunlight, who can bring us happiness in spite of trials, who can face our dragons in the night, who can transform us into the soul we choose to be. Just yesterday I found that magical Someone is the face we see in the mirror: It’s us and our homemade masks.

Self awareness essentially takes off the mask, and learns who you are and what makes you tick, puts you in charge of your own life and your reactions. Who wouldn’t want that?

So what do you do when you want to learn something new? You study and you practice. Piano, for example. You study music theory, learn to read music (unless you’re a savant) and you practice, practice, practice. If you want to be a doctor you learn everything there is to know about the anatomy and physiology of the  human body, about diseases, malfunctions, treatments and medications. If you want to learn to play golf, or tennis you learn the rules of the games and you practice. If you want to be a writer, you learn your language – the grammar and the rules of punctuation – and you learn how to construct a story or an essay or a poem – and then you write and write. So how do you study self awareness? You study YOU and you practice paying attention until you come to some understanding of why you do what you do and think what you think.

You are the textbook and only you can read and understand it. To do that:

  • You look at who you dislike and figure out why.
  • You look at who you like or love and figure  out why about that, too.
  • You study what makes you angry in a certain situation or toward a specific person until you figure out what’s at the bottom of it. Eventually you will be able to take the energy out of it.
  • You study what makes you happy and what makes you sad and you figure out why.
  • You study why you overeat or don’t eat enough,  drink too much, go on binges of any kind re tired?
  • You watch your thoughts and your speech. What do you think about in the quiet times. What do you say when you get angry, when you feel loved, when you are afraid.?
  • You notice who and what “pushes your buttons.”
  • You are aware of your moods and how often they change.
  • You leave no stone unturned.

I find that the best time to do this type of work is during meditation. That’s a time when you have more access to your subconscious mind and in a place that you may not be disturbed. There is no right way or wrong way to do this.

We have so many protective mechanisms that it is hard to find the truth about some things. One very helpful survey to give you some clues is on the website for Positive Psychology. You might take a look at http://www.authentichappiness.sas.upenn.edu/Default.aspx

You will find that this kind of study offers all kinds of  rewards. If nothing else you’ll define what really makes you happy and once you know you can go for it!

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About the Massacres at FT. Hood and the Killing in Orlando

flagBy Irene Conlan -

What happened?  What brings a man to the point of needing to kill to work out his own religious beliefs or his own angst? What is it about killing innocent people, people you don’t know or may have never seen before, that gives relief to the killer? Is it designed to give relief or is it simply a way to “pay back” society for the hurts he is experiencing?

The first man – an American, a Muslim, a soldier, a psychiatrist – killed thirteen people and wounded thirty others in a room filled with soldiers being processed going to or coming from Iraq.

The soldiers in the room were concerned about their own debarking to Iraq and what it would mean to themselves, their families and their friends. Would they have to kill another human being? Would they be blown up in a land mind?  Would they be able to handle it?  Would their loved ones be o.k. while they were gone?

Some were on their way home after their tour of duty – excited, their minds on what was ahead and the eager anticipation of seeing the ones they loved the most. Would they fit in after being in Iraq? Would everything/anything be the same? They wanted to get processed and be on their way home. Home. Yes!

Whether coming from or going to Iraq they were unarmed, unprepared, innocent – unaware of what was about to happen.

Major Nidal Malik Hasan had lived in this country all his life – grew up like the other American children in his neighborhood. But since September 11 he had been teased because he was a Muslim – called a “raghead” and a “towelhead.”  In his anger at the teasing he began to identify more and more with the Muslims in Iraq than with his American roots. Is that what it was?  A news story said he was “conflicted” because he didn’t know how to chose between his love for Islam and his allegiance to the U.S. Military. That’s what the news reports say. He was on his way for a tour of duty in Iraq and he didn’t want to go. Was this his way to defer?

He came in with two high powered guns that he had purchased at a local gun store. Each held a 30 round clip. As he shot, he cried out to “Allahu Akbar” “God is great.”  Did he act out of some warped religious conviction?  Or was it revenge for the teasing?

Soldiers don’t shoot other soldiers.  Or so they thought.

The second man, 40-year-old Jason Rodriguez, fired from his job two years previously because of job performance, lost his unemployment pay and something in him must have snapped. He went to his former company with a gun because he said they “left me to rot.”  He killed one person and wounded five. Now he’ll be rotting in a jail cell or a mental institution.

What is going on?

Is it the influence of movies and TV programs that make killing another human being look so easy, so matter of fact, so ordinary? Has killing become glamorized to the point that it’s the “best case scenario” when a person feels troubled or is having problems in his life?

Is it a religious thing? Do they come to believe it is a righteous act to kill those that don’t believe like they do?  Do they somehow get “off track” and believe God wants them to kill?

Are they in such deep despair that it’s the only thing they know of that will ease the pain – to kill?
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Is it a call for attention? Is it a call for help?

Because both of these men lived after their carnage, we may be able to learn something about what was going on in their minds that brought them to the point of murder.

In the meantime remember the died and wounded in your thoughts and prayers.

What can we who are interested in self improvement take away from these incidents?

What do we need to ponder? Perhaps we need to:

  • Be kind to others. (Teasing about faith, race or status is never kind).
  • Be aware of the pain of others and offer a helping hand when you can
  • When you are hurting ask for help – from a relative, a friend, a professional counselor. Let your needs be known and do what you need to do to recover.
  • Keep your thoughts positive. When you are busy being grateful or practicing bursts of appreciation, it is more difficult to become depressed or to stay angry.
  • Love – yourself and others. (This isn’t as easy as it sounds)
  • Live in the moment and live life to the fullest. As Joseph Campbell said, “Follow your bliss.”
  • Remember that your freedom ends where my nose begins.” (And, conversely, my freedom ends where your nose begins). We have no right to harm or take the life of another.
  • The greatest teaching – Do unto others as you would have others do unto you.

Simplistic? Yes. Pollyanna? Maybe. But it certainly beats the alternative of killing or being killed.

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Entering the Holiday Season

cornucopiasmallBy Irene Conlan -

Halloween is over. The little witches, ghosts, pirates and X-men have removed their costumes, counted their pieces of candy, ate much more than they should have and have drifted off into sweet dreams (pun intended). They will talk about it today and the memory will fade away quickly as talk turns to Thanksgiving,  Christmas and Hannakkah.  Christmas decorations are already boldly displayed in the stores and advertisments are playing on TV and the radio.” Buy, Buy, Buy” is the message.

For some of you, the holidays are something to look forward to. You love the hustle and bustle, the crowds in the store,the gift selections, the family gatherings, the religious significance – the whole nine yards. You are already planning the menu for Thanksgiving and can almost smell the turkey roasting in the oven. It is a tradition you love and look forward to each year. The same with Christmas. You may have already finished most of your Christmas shopping with the exception of a few small gifts and you may have the Christmas music loaded in your MP3 player. It is a time for you of wonderful memories that take you back to a childhood of “sugar plums” dancing in your head. It is a time of deep religious significance.

Some of you don’t feel positive about the holidays and this may be a very difficult time for you. Perhaps you don’t understand the significance of  Thanksgiving or have no money to buy food  on a daily basis. much less food for a feast -  turkey and all the trimmings. It is a hard time for people on a tight budget. Perhaps you have never experienced a bountiful Thanksgiving and don’t know what all the fuss is about. You many not celebrate Christmas because it is not a part of your belief system. Many dislike Christmas because their memories are of days of fighting and abuse, unhappiness and pain connected to this holiday.

Those who are bereaved have a hard time with all the holidays year around because the days evoke painful memories of times with the person who has died. Grief changes things. If you are in this group, start now to prepare yourself to cope. Two excellent online resource are  http://www.thegriefblog.com or http://www.opentohope.com.

Whether you love or hate the holidays, they are here – right in front of us. Regardless of where you stand on the celebrations, this is a great time to:

  • Reflect on all you have to be grateful for. Spend time with this and do it right. We will be talking much more about gratitude and appreciation as we move closer to Thanksgiving. This is a very beneficial exercise and I don’t want you to miss out on its rewards.
  • What do you believe? I mean what do you really believe? Take away what you accept because you were told you had to and get right down to the basics. What do you believe? Have you ever thought it through?
  • How can you deal with the stress of the million things to do? Plan now on how you will get it all done.
  • If money is tight, call a family gathering and decide how you will handle gift giving. What is the spending limit? Can you draw names this year or plan on hand made gifts? Or can you forgo gifts altogether and, as a family, contribute to those who are suffering in some way?
  • What can you do to help someone else through the season?
  • Don’t rain on someone else’s parade. If you hate the holidays, don’t spew it on everyone around you. Find something to be happy about and dwell on that.
  • Put your on meaning on the holidays so you can enjoy a time of celebration along with everyone else.

Let me know your ideas about how to celebrate fully or simply cope and get through. Is it “‘Tis the season to be jolly?” or “Bah Humbug?”

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“Ballloon Boy” and a Sedona Sweat Lodge: Let’s talk about integrity

balloon

By Irene Conlan –

The last few weeks have seen two tragic stories in the media – the deaths of three people in Sedona at a spiritual gathering and a family who set out to deceive and bring fame to themselves  using their children to lie and hide. Two diverse stories each based on a lack of integrity.

The parents of Falcon, the “Balloon Boy,” wanted to gain fame because they craved a reality show of their own – or so they say now. During the drama of the balloon flight and following it in those hours when the boy was still missing, they failed to mention to the authorities or the media that it was a hoax. Even on Larry King Live they denied that it was a hoax when the boy and his parents were questioned repeatedly about Falcon’s statement that  he did it for “the show.”  Never mind that the nation’s attention was fixated on the TV broadcasts of this balloon flight. And never mind that emergency responders were called in, taking them away from what could have been a “real” emergency. These parents stuck to their story, knowing full well that he was hiding on the premises. They kept  quiet while emergency personnel went from house to house searching for the boy and even when they knew teams were sent to track where “something fell” out of or off of the balloon. Now they admit it was a hoax. We, as tax payers, will pay the bill for this – all because they want media exposure. So what did they teach their boys? Perhaps that it’s o.k. to lie, cheat and steal to get you what you want or pave the way for fame. Where is their integrity? If this is the kind of reality they want to create or portray,  I don’t want it.

And then there’s the spiritual leader, James Arthur Ray who had a special “treat” for his followers. Preceded by a daysweat-lodge of fasting – no food OR water (in a sweat lodge you drink copious amounts of water)  – for a day, they were given a session in a badly designed and poorly built sweat lodge. When people started feeling sick, began vomiting, and even passing out, he stood at the door insisting they return to their seats so they could “overcome” and “be strong.” When people began to die and up to two dozen were taken to surrounding hospitals, he was gone.

Why did he leave and where did he go?

Isn’t a leader one who sees that the people under him are at least safe? If one of them is distressed or ill, doesn’t a leader act either by intervening himself or seeing to it that someone capable intervenes in an effective way?

Where was he? Why did he leave?  We know he went back to California. We know in the days that followed he conducted two more conferences.

Wouldn’t a spiritual  leader go to the hospitals and be with the dying as they made their transition? Wouldn’t he stay with the ill? Wouldn’t he at least call the rest of the people together and pray for those who had succumbed to the heat and toxic air?

Why did he leave?

This is a man who set himself up as a spiritual leader but he walked away when true leadership was needed and spirituality was put to the test. Why wasn’t he helping those that had been so badly traumatized in Sedona?

His stated mission is to “create harmonic wealth in all areas of your life .”  Whose wealth are we talking about here? Certainly not the wealth of the three people who died. Did he leave because he had more fees coming in from two more conferences? Oh, I truly hope not. Why, then, did he leave?

How do we show the world integrity if our spiritual leaders don’t embody it?  Whose words can we believe?

We can’t believe the word of parents who let their child hide while the officials search and the country mourns. And we can’t believe the words of a high-profile “spiritual leader” who leaves while his followers are dying in a sweat lodge. Who can we believe? Where are the people of integrity?

Diogenes, a Greek philosopher who died in 323 B.C. is said to have gone through the city with a lighted lamp in broad daylight trying to find an honest man. He found none.

Would he find one if he searched today?

The foundation of self improvement is personal integrity. Let us each do a serious  inventory to determine if our integrity holds strong.

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The Value of Self Esteem

esteem1By Andrea Dilea -

Self esteem is defined as how you feel about who and what you are. Self esteem has a number of dimensions, which we can arrive at through these questions:

How do you really feel about who and what you are?
Are you looking at an honest picture of yourself?
Does what people think about you matter to you?
Does your ego create something you’re not just to impress others?
Do material possessions give you a false sense of well being?
Are you in debt trying “to keep up with the Jones’?”

These questions are just among many that can give you an idea of what your self esteem is. You have to know that when your self esteem is high or is in the positive, the opinions of others do not come into the picture. Or are not worth anything at all.

A high self esteem and complete acceptance of self enable you to totally and completely ignore what others think of you and just rely on your own. This is quite harder than it sounds, yes. But then, just think, whoever is in your life now and whatever happens, the bottom line is you can only depend on yourself. Your self is the only thing/ being you can really and truly call and have as your own. Why shouldn’t you take and love and support this person – YOU.

Adversities and life challenges are really gifts in our life journey. These help us discern that YOU are your own defense and strength and your very own support system. When everything is lost to you, at the end of the journey, there is only You. Reflect on this and you can go about life head high with the knowledge that you are a wonderful being with a profound and infinite source of inner strength.

You must remember, You are who You are, and let everyone else take you as they find you because your opinion of who you are is high and that’s what matters most. In this manner, you can then be able to treat others the way you would want to be treated – with respect, honesty and consideration. No more, no less.

Bear all these in mind to bring you to a life with balance and happiness. When your self esteem is high and positive, you can have healthy relationships, take out the stresses and be able to relax and achieve real inner peace.

A person at peace with himself/herself is the happiest of people in the world. And I know you would want to have and keep happiness inside you and in your life.

Andrea has written articles on many aspects of life for over 3 years and recommends that you check out cheap desktop computers as well as used computer parts!

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Andrea_Dilea

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A Few Ways To Get MAD!

attractive agressive blonde business woman 4By Ayo Olaniyan –

I definitely got your attention if you are reading this. I apologize if this title upsets/offends anyone; trust me, it’s not my intention to do so.

Moving on, this article is strictly for personal development and the word MAD is an acronym for Motivated, Authentic and Determined, so the title should read A Few Ways To Get Motivated, Authentic and Determined.

The post in context:

My goal today is to describe and highlight a few ways of becoming Motivated, being Authentic and showing some Determination. I feel turning the searchlight on these factors will enhance our personal growth and development.

M) Motivated/Motivation
The free dictionary defines being motivated as a move to action. The underlying factor of motivation is a belief that success, progress and achieving whatever you’ve set out to do (goals) are possible.

Here are a few ways of getting/staying motivated:

  • Learn to work with and keep to deadlines
  • Have goal oriented targets that are feasible and realistic.
  • Deadlines keep you focused, create a target driven mentality and above all gives you reasons for making progress.
  • Take a break where necessary
  • It’s important we get rest from the hustle and bustle of the world around us (particularly London laugh!!!) in order to recharge our human batteries. The body can only do so much so it’s important to take a break. Besides, having some form of rest in worthwhile activities allows productivity, aids in developing strategies and attempts to clarify so many issues going through your mind.
  • Curb your distractions.There are so many things crying out for our attention. Just switch on the television and you would see what I mean. Be very selective of what you get involved in and learn to create a productive environment which yields positive results enhancing your personal growth and development.
  • Always have a plan
  • Get organized and be prepared to handle the issues of life because things may not always go the way we want. It’s important to identify what needs to be done first and also have an alternative or back up plans breaking them into simple, doable and achievable goals.
  • Celebrate your achievements.Feel good about how much progress you’ve made and what steps were involved in getting you there. Celebrate your achievements no matter how little they seem. This is an important factor in getting motivated to do something again.

A) Authentic
Merriam Webster’s Dictionary defines the word authentic as being true to ones own personality. Being authentic is a whole post on it’s own but I would briefly highlight a few ways of being authentic in your everyday life.

Here are a few ways of being authentic:

  • Know yourself
  • Know who/what you are.
  • Know where you come from, your background and upbringing.
  • Know who/what you represent. If you fail to acknowledge and gather understanding about whom you are, what your talents and skills are…. it may be difficult accomplishing anything in life or becoming motivated to making progress in your life.
  • Wake up and smell the coffee, don’t be or live in someone else’s shadows. Choose to live life for the right reasons.
  • Be accountable
  • Learn to take responsibility for all your actions either positive or negative. It fosters your personal growth and development. Try as much as you can to know what to say, when to say, how to say and when to do what you say. Be a man or woman of integrity and be known to keep your words, promises, secrets etc. Be someone who is very responsible.
  • Fight your obsessions. You’d notice I used the word fight to emphasize the importance of dealing with your obsessions. Obsessions could be catastrophic if not managed properly. You have to face your obsessions with so much zeal because if not under your control often lead to addictions and these range from over-eating, over-spending, excessive shopping, gambling, sex, drug abuse etc.
  • Tolerate People.I know there are quite a few people who can be totally annoying and energy drainers but my focus isn’t to resolve those kinds of relationships rather, it’s to remind you of the basic things in relating with people such as forgiveness, compassion, understanding…. When you build your tolerance level, you create an opportunity for building positive relationships.
  • Deal with your ego. This is a difficult thing to do but it’s a very important factor in being authentic. Your ego can prevent you from developing good and lasting relationships. It could also get in get in your way. Try as much as possible to keep a TAB on your ego.

D) Determined/Determination
This is the act of fixing or settling a purpose. It involves defined intentions in making, fulfilling or arriving at certain decisions in order to achieve success.

Here are a few ways to show determination:

  • Show consistency
  • Be firm and consistent in all your decisions and way of life. Get rid of all self doubts, discouragement and the habit of procrastinating important things that will shape your life’s purpose.
  • Manage Your Time Properly.Formulate various steps to take which will push you further into making progress and allocate the amount of time necessary to accomplish each task. Proper time management allows you to keep track of your progress and this will help in motivating you to success.
  • Set Goals. Break down your big goals into smaller goals which can be achieved easily. Starting with easier goals could give you the momentum needed to tackle harder goals and achieve them. Always stick to your goals and think of what can be achieved when you become successful. If you want something so bad then you should work hard for it, thus your goals should be meaningful and important to you.
  • Think Carefully.Think carefully before making any important decisions. Don’t be in a rush to hastily make decisions under the pressure and influence of people around you. Try as much as possible to gain control and not be easily influenced by the negative environments and conditions surrounding you. Always seek wise counsel where necessary.

In summary being MAD (Motivated, Authentic and Determined) isn’t a bad thing but rather is a useful tool for your personal development. Why not take action today to grow in motivation, be authentic and show some determination.

On a final note, I look forward to more suggestions/ways of getting MAD! (Motivated, Authentic and Determined).

ayoAyo Olaniyan is a certified Unitive™ Life Coach and Counsellor. He is a member of the European Mentoring and Coaching Council, an accredited professional counsellor with the Counselling Society and the author of Expanding Your Horizons. Visit http://discoveringpurpose.co.uk or send an email to ayo@discoveringpurpose.co.uk.
Remember, it’s about creating a purpose driven life through personal development.

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