By Irene Conlan -

When someone comes to see me about self esteem issues, it is sometimes difficult to get them away from their “story.” It starts something like:

• My father left us when I was born …
• My mother was critical of everything I did …
• My fifth grade teacher told me I’d never amount to anything …
• My ex wife/husband tried for ten years to make me into something or someone I can never be …
• My mother gave me up for adoption …
• I always had the lowest grades in the class …
• I was the fat girl in the class and everyone teased me …
• I was the smallest kid in the class and everyone teased me …
• I was the __________ kid in the class and everyone teased me … (there are many words that can fill in the blank)

Telling the story simply fuels poor self esteem like putting more wood on the fire. It keeps it fresh in your mind and reinforces your belief that you are not good enough because this occurred at some point in your life. While it is, indeed, a sad story, it no longer serves you. Let’s see what we can do about it.

Are you ready to feel better about yourself? O.K., then let’s get started.

Self esteem is built from the inside out. It’s a belief that you aren’t capable of achieving or that you aren’t worth having success. You’re just not good enough or as good as. The belief  has to be changed and it will take some work on your part. No one can do it for you.To get started there are several things you can do to open the door to healthier and more  positive self esteem.

Some of the keys to help open the door are:

1. Write a new story the way you would have liked things to be. Put all the details in it. Make yourself the prettiest girl in the class, or the smartest. Feel how good it felt to be praised. Remember the successes. Take time to do a visualization making your story positive. Get some positive emotional juices flowing about it. The next time you start to tell your old story – even to yourself – stop and replace it with the new story. Over a period of time your mind will gradually let the old story go.

2. Pay attention to what you say or think about yourself to others or in self talk. Stop making critical statements like, “How can I be so stupid as to do that?” or “I never do anything right.” or “If only I …” Every morning when you’re getting ready for the day, look yourself right in the eye in your mirror and give yourself a complement. It feels silly and fake in the beginning but do it anyway. Let you get used to hearing good things about yourself – especially from you.

3. Start an appreciation journal. In the morning write about at least three things you appreciate – about anything.  In the evening, write about at least three things that you appreciate about you. It’s o.k. to write about the same thing now and then but try to keep the ideas new as much as possible.

4. Get serious about identifying your strengths. It doesn’t matter what anyone else has said about you or done to you. This is a new day and a new time. What happened before is in the past. Leave it there. What are your strengths now? If you need help with this go to the Positive Psychology website, Authentic Happiness,  and take complete the questionnaire on strengths. In fact you can learn a lot about yourself by taking them all. You don’t need to do it in one sitting – take them when you have time to do so. Later  you can go back and take them again and compare your scores.  Or go to Blastation and sign up for the free trial month. Work in all the areas, particularly in personal fulfillment. If you’re really serious about improving your self esteem, you will want to do both.

If you tell a new story, change your self talk from negative to positive, identify your strengths and journal about all the things you appreciate about you and in your life, you’re off to a good start. You may not notice much change in the beginning but there will come a time when you realize that you feel differently about yourself, that you’re happier and more involved with your life. There is more than needs to be done but this is a good start.