Nothing changes if nothing changes.
~ Tony Robbins
February 16, 2011 – Happiness
February 16, 2011 By Leave a Comment
“You won’t achieve happiness just because someone else changes, or if the outside world changes, but only if you change.”
-Brian Weiss
January 27, 2011 – Change
January 27, 2011 By Leave a Comment
Change has a considerable psychological impact on the human mind. To the fearful it is threatening because it means that things may get worse. To the hopeful it is encouraging because things may get better. To the confident it is inspiring because the challenge exists to make things better.- – King Whitney, Jr.
How to Say Good-Bye to ‘Poor Me”
December 15, 2010 By Leave a Comment
By Jane Booth Robertson -
How aware are you of people and activities that are going on around you? Recognizing yourself, as a ‘poor me’ personality, is the first step in waking up. Listen to yourself talking to others. Some people are always cheerful, no matter what it going on, but others complain about everything, every day.
The complainers are all about themselves or ‘poor me’. Now, many ‘poor me’ people really do have things wrong in their lives. Their problems are real so they may feel justified in being a ‘poor me’. But being a ‘poor me’ puts you into victim mode and being a victim is never healthy or wise. We often do not know that all our negative thoughts and actions keep the cycle of negative energy floating back to us. What you give out comes back to you. For a ‘poor me’, this is creates one thing after another to complain about. So how do we stop this negative cycle?
Step 1.
You must want to change old habits. No one can do it for you. A ‘poor me’ probably learned this behavior as a child or from friends.
Step 2.
Let go of things that are not working for you. This is a biggy. This means letting go of friends who keep you down, jobs that you don’t like, or a relationship that is abuse or is just not working for the both of you. You must change to let go of your ‘poor me’ attitude and behavior.
Step 3
Listen to yourself. Stop and change your language or your thoughts when you are ready to say a negative thought or complaint. If you have a pain or ache, for example, say “I release my need for pain.” What will your world be like without that pain? Visualize a new way of being. Allow yourself to heal.
Step 4
Do something nice for yourself that makes you feel good. Look at the sunrise each day or take a walk in a park or forest. Talk to a special friend (but not about your ‘poor me’stuff). Have a treat. Do something nice for someone else.
Step 5
Forgive those around you who have hurt your feelings. Send them love instead of talking badly about them. People who do bad things can benefit from love. This can be tough but sending love will make you feel better too.
Step 6
Start being aware of the gift of life you have received. It may be difficult at times but take a look around and be thankful for one thing each day. It can be as simple as someone smiling at you or saying thank you as you open a door for someone. Wake up to little things that you appreciate and soon you will have a whole list of things you like.
Step 7
Know that every experience is part of our spiritual journey and it has purpose, even if we can understand it. There is a Divine purpose for your life and you will discover it and wake up as you change from a ‘poor me’ into a ‘thankful me’.
Step 8
Love yourself and treat yourself well. Love others and feel their love for you. Expand your love and feel connected to others and your community. You will feel the difference as your live transforms into greater harmony and peace.
Step 9
Take good care of your health by eating well and exercising everyday. Meditate everyday to discover the beautiful inner you and feel the love of God within.
Step10
Enjoy the new you. You deserve to be happy and joyful. Others will benefit by your new way of being. Shine your inner light as brightly as you can. Say “Yes, Yes Yes” to having peace in your life and really mean it. Now, enjoy your new way of living!
Jane Rosalea Booth Robertson is author of In Silence, Discovering Self through Meditation. She is an Ordained Minister of All Seasons Church of Canada and an Ordained Minister of Spiritual Peacemaking. Jane is Certified USUI Master and Practitioner and a Certified Sound Energy Dynamics Practitioner who resides in Meaford, ON Her company is The Golden Light Centre for Well-Being Inc. She leads Peaceful Path Retreats for Women and Meditation Gatherings in Meaford, ON, Canada. She is owner of The Golden Light Centre for Well-Being Inc. an on line business with holistic services and products and art to create harmony in your life.
http://www.goldenlightcentre.com
Jane’s Peace Ministry Blog: http://janebooth.wordpress.com
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You’re Perfect … Now Change
November 30, 2010 By Leave a Comment
By Cindy Loughran -
So often, we step into personal change from the place of ‘I’m not good enough’, ‘I’d be more lovable if I lost weight’,’ I’m not worthy of earning more money’. Those are pretty high stakes when you’re trying to make a change in your life. When we attach our behaviors to our sense of self, we run the risk, if we are not 100% successful changing our chosen behavior, of driving our self-esteem down another notch.
So, when setting out to make a change, begin from the place of, I’m already full and wonderful and lovable and great and I’d like to make a few changes in order to improve myself. Start from a strong foundation. Love yourself whether you succeed at making this change or not. You are NOT your mess, your debt, your extra pounds, your job. You are you, a child of the universe, whole and already perfect. You may want to change some of the things you DO, but not because you aren’t already good enough. Change is dangerous when the stakes are that high. Change is valuable when making them will enhance the life the perfect you is already living.
When you come from a self-loving place, you can use your strengths to lead the charge to make the change. Let me give you an example.
My client Jan, is a researcher at a Harvard Teaching Hospital here in Boston. A graduate of a prestigious medical school, she is very successful at her job. She’s also a loving mother. When her son recently had some disappointments, Jan took responsibility. She began to think she wasn’t a good mother, believing if she had done some things differently, her son would have handled his own situation differently. I can’t tell you if she is right or wrong about that. What I do know is that today, it is not at all useful to look back and say ‘if only I had…’ We can’t change the past, we can only deal with the present, in order to impact the future. But in the present, Jan did not know what to do. She didn’t know how to support her son through this difficult time. She wanted to change some things about her parenting so as not to repeat some of the mistakes she felt she had made in the past, but she didn’t know how. Each day she did nothing, she fell deeper and deeper into her sense of incompetence.
With some coaching, Jan looked at what she was really good at… and research, learning, understanding things were at the top of her list. How could these strengths help Jan now? She used them to learn more about how to respond and support her son during this (and other) challenging times. She began by making a list of the resources that might be available to her: they included friends who had been through similar situations, counselors and teachers at her son’s school, psychologists, and books. As in her research work, she had to separate out the variables and determine which parts of this situation were hers, and which were her son’s. She had to learn, based on his age and level of brain development, what he could ‘get’ and what concepts he was too young to grasp.
Using the same skills that made her successful at work, over time, Jan learned and became really confident in her ability to coach, guide and support her son.
After her immediate crisis passed, Jan started a support group involving other parents who wanted to increase their confidence and competence around parenting. They meet regularly and share challenges, solutions, resources, information and empathy. When any one of the members needs support, she is comfortable reaching out to one or more of the others. They’ve become much more confident about their parenting skills, especially at challenging times. Sometimes, the women in this group discover that what they are experiencing is a normal phase in growing up, at other times, they realize they need to find additional support and seek outside experts. They support each other to stay out of ‘regret’ and ‘if only’ and focus on the present and creating a positive future.
When we come from our strengths, already whole and worthy, we open ourselves up to much richer experiences. We can be vulnerable without fearing being lost. We bring much more to others. So go ahead… you’re already perfect; now change.
Note: Cindy will be our guest on The Self Improvement Show on December 2. It is going to be a knockout show! Noon PST. Don’t miss it.
The Power of Compassion
November 30, 2010 By Leave a Comment
By Bronnie Ware -
What is compassion to you? Is it something you ever give thought to? Are you aware of a time you have received compassion? And if so, how did it leave you feeling? Are you able to think of a time when you had compassion for someone else and acted in a kinder way as a result? Or is it something not terribly prominent in your thinking or behave? It may be that it is simply not something that you think about. Or used to think about at least. The compassion seed is now hopefully being planted.
Compassion is kindness, sympathy, consideration and especially empathy, the ability to put yourself, as best as possible, into another’s shoes to feel the situation properly. Thomas Merton, a gentle and wise scholar from last century best describes it as ‘the keen awareness of the interdependence of all things’.
It is a human emotion, yes. There are plenty of human emotions that I could speak of. But compassion is also a powerful force when applied. It generates loving energy to whomever it is directed to. It also gives the giver a feeling of love from within, an opening of the heart.
Compassion has the power to turn everything around. If we are able to view life from a compassionate place within, we let go of the ego and its need to be right, to dissolving the ego and working from the heart. It is choosing to be emotionally mature, letting go of ourselves and our need to validate.
Instead of carrying on after a disagreement with someone, both losing valuable time from the relationship due to stubbornness, hurt, or being unforgiving towards the other for years sometimes, we can choose to look at the situation from a place of compassion instead. It doesn’t mean that you necessarily agree with the actions of that person. It means that you make a conscious choice to not carry that energy with you anymore.
By choosing to look at a situation with compassion, we are more able to look kindly towards others, to see their own frailties and recognise our own. All of us are simply trying to be happy and avoid suffering. None of us are immune to learning, making mistakes, or having said or done something that has hurt another. We are all learning, constantly, whether we consciously choose to or not.
If we can remove our ego from the situation, our need to be right, and see the other person’s opinions or words as an expression of who they are now, which is a result of all of who they have been and what they have experienced up to this point, then the situation naturally softens immediately. We don’t have to agree with everything. Compassion is not about being walked over and trying to be a martyr by saving others. It is simply recognising that all of us have goodness and all of us have humanness, which at times shows up in less favourable or desirable ways.
If a person is speaking unkindly, they are not in their natural space. We are born as loving creatures with our hearts wide open. Through years of wounds and fears, we often act from a place disconnected from our own true wisdom. We have forgotten the loving person we truly are, or the person speaking to you in an offensive way has forgotten who they are. We do have a choice as to how we respond however.
We can add more suffering to suffering by causing hurt, or we can choose to come from a place of emotional maturity and view the situation through compassionate eyes. The ego will rear up and try to hold on. As you are now working from the heart not the head, the ego is losing power, which it does not like. But over time, as we grow and develop in compassion it becomes a natural state for us. Like everything, it gets better with practice.
I grew up in an environment where forgiveness was a constant lesson for me. Even though I endured emotional wounds that took years for me to heal, forgiveness was the only way forward. But how did I do that, when I had become so fragile, sensitive and fearful of exposing myself to more of the same year after year?
It wasn’t until I was able to develop compassion that things began to change. And they changed enormously. Through compassion we learn not to take things personally, because it is really not about us. It is the other person’s suffering that they are dumping on us. So if we are able to detach in a loving way and realise that no matter what has been thrown at us, it is really just a manifestation of the other person’s hurt, then we are able to have compassion for that person and let it go. This not only stops giving more power to negative situations, it allows healing to begin on all levels for everyone involved, including you.
For my own personal situation, I now reap the rewards of such courage by enjoying hugely changed, loving, mature relationships between myself and those mentioned, relationships that I could never have imagined possible.
Whether it is the person serving you at the supermarket, or an impatient driver on the roads, it doesn’t matter. There are opportunities to develop and grow in compassion every single day. It takes work to dissolve the ego and not want to get the last word in, or to be kind to someone who may reject your kindness. Make it about them though, not you. You can then wish kindness toward them and move on, knowing that the power of compassion is in place and is a force well beyond our comprehension, generating the change needed. It is a loving force that permeates every area of your life once developed.
So how does one begin to grow in compassion? How do you develop it? Compassion has to start with ourselves. This is the most difficult part of the whole compassion journey. It has to start with ourselves. We are our own harshest critics and until we learn to be kind and compassionate towards ourselves, we cannot grow in it for others. As Westerners in particular, we can be incredibly harsh on ourselves. Yet we are all children of God, whatever you conceive that to be, and we are all born with the desire to be happy.
We first need to forgive ourselves for things of our past. By continuing to carry regret or guilt, we hold ourselves back from blooming into the people we are here to be. Sure, we would all have done some things differently given the chance, but we are human and we are constantly learning. So forgive yourself and realise that you did what you did as a result of who you were at that time. And you are not that person now. Have compassion for the person you were.
You are constantly growing, constantly evolving into a better person. So be kind to yourself and remember that that was the best you could do back then, as who you were then. And be grateful for the growth in yourself that now recognises this. You must learn to be gentle on yourself. It is the first point of healing for you and for all who come into contact with you.
I am not saying it is easy. I think I cried for four days solid when I first started generating compassion towards myself. And more tears followed as the process continued. It is not dwelling in the victim mentality forever and thinking poor me all the time. Instead, you are recognising the suffering of your own past and generating kindness towards yourself as a result. It is forgiving yourself. It is choosing to love who you were and who you now are, all of you.
The power of compassion is a tangible force, with results unimaginable. It is a force of love, forgiveness, kindness and healing. We all suffer. We all yearn for happiness. We are all capable of healing. Never underestimate the power of compassion. I have seen it heal on all levels of society.
Simply make the choice to be aware of compassion, of it being an option as to how you respond to others. But first and foremost, it is an option as to how you treat yourself.
The power of compassion needs you onboard. Start by generating compassion towards yourself. Recognise your beauty and love yourself, with all of your frailties and mistakes. You are worthy of this love. You are worthy. You are still an incredibly beautiful soul with much to share.
When you are able to be kind on yourself, you are then able to be kind to other people, to animals, to the Earth and to all who need compassion along your path.
With an open heart, the power of compassion flows through you as naturally as the air that you breathe. You owe it yourself.
Be aware of this magnificent force and all that you are capable of being.
Be kind. Be sympathetic. And above all, be compassionate.
Bronnie Ware is a writer, singer/songwriter and songwriting teacher from Australia. Drawing on her diverse background and vast life experiences, Bronnie shares her inspiring observations and insights through her work. To read more of her delightful articles and learn about her other work, please visit Inspiration and Chai at http://www.inspirationandchai.com.
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November 29, 2010 – Change
November 29, 2010 By Leave a Comment
It may be hard for an egg to turn into a bird: it would be a jolly sight harder for it to learn to fly while remaining an egg. We are like eggs at present. And you cannot go on indefinitely being just an ordinary, decent egg. We must be hatched or go bad.
C. S. Lewis
Obstacle or Opportunity: Overcoming the Top Six Challenges to Change
November 29, 2010 By Leave a Comment
By Cindy Loughran -
Why is change so hard? We say we want to change a particular behavior. We know we will benefit from the change. Yet, we continue to do what we’ve always done and we continue to get the same results we’ve always gotten. And, the longer we do it, the more frustrated and disappointed in ourselves we become. We beat ourselves up for being weak or lazy. We get sucked into the vortex of a downward spiral!
Even the most successful among us have trouble breaking behavior patterns and habits.
A man who can run a marathon in under four hours can’t manage his time effectively at work. A woman who runs her own successful business can’t stop losing her temper with her kids. Clearly, they don’t lack discipline or willpower. They’ve proven their ability to make changes in many aspects of their lives. As, probably, have you.
Here are the top 6 obstacles to making personal change and some ways to overcome them.
1. Being right. As human beings, we like to be right, even if it about being wrong. If we aren’t sure we are going to be successful doing something, we set ourselves up to be able to say, “See, I knew I couldn’t do it.” As Henry Ford said, “Whether you think you can or you think you can’t, you’re right.” Your own beliefs about your likelihood of success and the messages you send yourself can be your best motivator or your worst obstacle. Positive self talk helps you live into a successful reality. Practice affirmations, pay attention to and focus on your successes rather than your set backs. Find things to be right about that move your closer to your goal.
2. Physiological factors. When we do something often enough, it becomes a habit. By definition, a habit is a pattern of behaviors performed repeatedly until it becomes, automatic and unconscious. In the course of developing that habit, we actually create a rut in our hippocampus, the part of the brain that is responsible for memory. Once we’re ‘in the groove’, it is hard to steer ourselves out of it. In fact, we can’t. Once there, that path will always be there, so we need to create a fresh new path and repeat the new, more desirable behavior over and over in order to make it a new habit. Over time, the old path will become overgrown and impassible, much as a path in the forest becomes overgrown after years of dis-use. Determine what the new path will be and work toward that rather than resisting the old.
3. Opposing forces. For every reason we want to make a change, there is a reason why we don’t. If these opposing forces are of equal strength, or we perceive that the benefits of keeping things the same are stronger than the value of changing, we get stuck. For example, let’s say you want to lose weight. If the positive value of shedding pounds and becoming healthier carries the same intensity as the negative value of having to sacrifice the foods you enjoy in the process, you’re stuck. If delegating tasks loses the battle to needing everything to be done your way, you’re stuck! In order to move off dead center and change your behavior, you’ll have to find a reason or payoff for the change that is more compelling than sticking with the status quo.
4. Trying to do it alone. Research has shown that people are much more likely to be successful making changes when they have supportive relationships. We all need others to help us through the many phases of change. We need others to help us clarify the changes we want to make, provide information and resources, hold us accountable, be a buddy by working toward making the same or similar change along side us or encourage us when the going gets tough. These people may be friends, professional coaches, family members, experts, teachers, mentors, formal support groups, etc. The support may be face-to-face, virtual, via phone, web, it doesn’t matter. Do whatever works for you. Just don’t do it alone!
5. Overwhelm. Often, we try to take on too many changes at once or we have only a vague idea of what we want to change. When this is the case, we get confused and overwhelmed and we give up. In order to avoid overwhelm, prioritize the changes you want to make and take on one or two at a time. Create small milestones along the way so you can assess your progress and celebrate even the tiniest wins.
6. Identity. We often know ourselves as a combination of our behaviors. Our identity and our routines are often tied to our habits. People trying to stop drinking have their drinking buddies and routines. Overweight people are members of a crowd who go out to dinner together. Procrastinators have folks they chat with at work as a way of putting off doing work. Busy people see themselves as the only one who can get anything done or done right So, if we make a change, we might be left to ask, who am I? How will the change affect my relationships and my routine? In order to overcome this identity crisis, remember, you are not your behaviors. You are much more than that: your values, your beliefs, your goals and aspirations. Find people who share those deeper parts of yourself. Develop strategies for handling situations that put you at a high risk of going back to your old habits. Change your routine. Instead of going out to dinner with your old friends, suggest going for a walk or to the movies. Excuse yourself from conversations that distract you getting things done. Identify with a new set of behaviors and people and activities that support them.
We face many challenges when we take on change. We can see them as obstacles or opportunities. One will keep us where we are, the other will catapult us forward toward a happier, healthier more satisfying life. Believe you can do it and know you are worth it.
When One Door closes …
November 9, 2010 By Leave a Comment
By Irene Conlan – - Hellen Keller said, “When one door of happiness closes, another opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us.”
- Yesterday two doors closed and I’m looking for the new doors that are opening.
- The first door closed, I hope only temporarily, by Dr. Nathaniel Branden who was scheduled as my guest on this Thursday’s radio show. He is ill and won’t be able to participate this week. Please remember him in your thoughts and prayers. He is truly one of the great minds of our times and has made a tremendous contribution to the well being of many through his work on self esteem. I am sorry that he cannot be with us but am looking forward to the door that opens. Check back for the lovely surprise that may be in the person of our new Thursday guest.
- The second door closed with the closing of a blog. The blog was designed for those who are grieving and I was asked to manage it shortly after it was built in 2005. It grew steadily and became very, very busy helping those who were grieving the death of a child, a spouse, a dear friend, a relative, a beloved. I came to know some of them well and have profound respect for their pain, their struggle, their strength and their love. There is a new blog for them, but it is for someone else to manage. I have learned so much about myself and about compassion by working with the grieving. I will not miss dealing with so much pain, but I will truly miss dealing with those lovely people who are grieving. I will not forget them.
- Helen Keller said a new door will open. It was interesting that she said you may not “see” the new one if you look at the closed one too long. She was blind but not blind with “inner sight.” It’s with inner sight that the new doors will be seen.
- New doors keep opening in my life. I just hadn’t thought about it this way until these two doors closed one right after the other. I think that sometimes for me the new door opens before the old one closes. After some reflection I believe the radio show opened it’s door before the blog’s door closed. It would be hard to manage both of them and The Self Improvement Blog is blog as well. The radio show is about helping people as is this blog and that’s what I’m about. The Self Improvement Show has a big wide, heavy door that swings easily on its hinges. I hope it turns out to be a very inviting door that calls people in, gives them the wisdom and/or information they seek and sends them home with a lighter heart, an answered question, a feeling of well being and a bright smile.
- Other doors are opening and closing as well. An old relationship ending and another beginning. Old issues soothed and solved, new issues emerging. It is easy to forget that life is a process, a series of decisions, events, and changes. It’s important to remember that it’s the journey that matters as much as the destination and that sometimes we have to close a door behind us to open the one in front. Cliche? Yes. But also real.
- What I know with certainty is that I will find a great guest for Thursday’s show and the people who are grieving will be comforted even if I’m not the one comforting them. I also feel certain that many more doors for me and for you will close and that, if we pay attention, we will find the new door opening to something that we seek. Isn’t this what self improvement is about?
Your New Normal
October 28, 2010 By Leave a Comment
By Neil Tepper, “The Creativity Doctor” –
I once took a course in public speaking. The program was designed for business executives who wanted to sharpen their presentation skills and overcome their inhibitions to speaking in front of large audiences. There were 12 of us in the seminar.
Over three days, each participant made six different presentations to the group. All presentations were videotaped. We could view our videos privately or with the instructor. Our final video presentation was shown to the group.
There was one man in the class: around 45 years old, a finance executive for a major corporation. He was nice-looking, very buttoned-down. You could tell he was smart and articulate. But, his first presentation was almost painful to watch. His body language was stiff. His arms and hands didn’t move. Even his face was stone-like. It was hard to focus on what he was saying because the words came out so stilted.
Now, I don’t mean to dwell on this man’s performance in order to cast stones. Indeed, my own house is made of glass. But, I learned a powerful lesson by witnessing his experience in the seminar.
It was impressive to see his willingness to take criticism and integrate the feedback into each successive presentation. It was like watching ice melt. His manner became more relaxed and expressive; his voice was more distinctive.
As we all watched the video of his final presentation, it was obvious that this man had worked hard to break through the limits that defined his comfort zone. His presence was bold and his body animated; arms moving, hands gesturing, torso turning, feet stepping, face alive, eyes expressive, voice modulated. It was inspiring to see how someone can change his deeply-ingrained behavior in such a short time.
What was even more remarkable was the man’s reaction as he viewed the tape of his own performance. While the tape ran, he squirmed in his seat. He told the group how uneasy he had been while making the presentation because he felt he was “way out there,” speaking too loudly, gesticulating wildly, and walking around too much.
“Over-the-top-crazy,” was how he described these feelings.
What was truly amazing, however, was that on the tape he appeared to be a normal person delivering a speech. What had felt to him as wild and crazy and out of control turned out to be, in the replay, rather normal.
The powerful lesson here is that, unlike rubber bands that snap back to their original size and shape when stretched, when you stretch beyond your comfort zone the new behavior tends to stick. And, the more you live from that new, expanded place, the more comfortable it feels. Like a new normal.
This is good to remember when you’re itching to get to the next level in your life. When you sense that you need to expand beyond your comfort zone.
Here are four tips to help you establish your new normal:
1. Recognize that no matter how bold or conservative you are, you have your own personal comfort zone.
2. Stretching means just that: doing something out of character, beyond the parameters of what you ordinarily do.
3. Be prepared to feel uncomfortable in stretching to the new you. That way, you won’t let such feelings stop you.
4. Remember, one person’s normal is another person’s stretch. When you think you’re going over the top and out of control, check with someone else for feedback.
5. Chances are, if you’re feeling uncomfortable, it’s just about right.
So, this month, do something unusual and out of character. Go over the top on purpose. Do something you’ve always wanted to do but were too afraid to try. (It will be interesting to see if anyone even notices)
You may even move to your new normal.
