By Paul Zucker -
A big step towards self-responsibility is the acceptance, the believing and the knowing that both unhappiness and happiness are self-bestowed. It is a choice we make; others do not make it for us. If we are responsible for our own happiness, then we can take the steps to achieve it. If we radiate happiness – and accompanying qualities such as peacefulness, security, and contentment – then our children will embody and radiate these qualities also. If we are depressed and unhappy, then our children will learn and develop these qualities.
How do we know that happiness is self-bestowed? If we agree that we all have the capacity for self-responsibility, then in any given situation we can decide what to think and how to act. When we choose what to think – and we are empowered in this choice as we gain knowledge, understand more, and increase our awareness – we are deciding what it is worthwhile to think. If wisdom is defined as “what is worthwhile thinking” and allows us to direct our responses in any situation, then we realize that through the attainment of wisdom we are in control of how we respond and act, what we feel and do. If we wish to bestow happiness on ourselves, our choice then becomes to be responsible for our thinking and our thoughts, so we may attain wisdom; when we become responsible for what we think, feel, and do, we create a powerful tool that can help us achieve our own happiness and positively influence the happiness of others.
In becoming responsible for our thoughts, we become responsible for our feelings. If we are happy, sad, angry, or hurt, it is because of how we perceive what has happened, and our perceptions are organized by our thoughts. However, we often do this automatically, reacting to the world in a repeated, patterned response. As it is automatic, we may not be consciously aware of what we are doing. In fact, our response may be stored on a subconscious level so deep that certain words and actions automatically trigger an emotional response. They trigger an emotional response because we have been conditioned to associate a specific meaning to an event.
The point of this is not to discourage you from the possibility of assuming control of your feelings, but to create a deeper understanding of why we often react emotionally to the events and people – including our children – in our lives. Understanding the process allows us to take the steps to become active participants. If we understand it as a process, we can make a major shift in our perception, and decide that each of us is individually responsible for our feelings. In that shift of perception we create the space, allow for the moment, to utilize our increased awareness and change our response to the world and the people in it (especially our children). In that moment we realize we may be angry or hurt, but we have chosen to be so because we are responsible for our feelings; we are choosing to react in an angry and hurt way. We gain the ability to distance ourselves from blame and judgment, from playing the victim. We separate ourselves from the process in which we often seek to justify and rationalize our anger and hurt, causing our anger to persist and perhaps intensify. In the moment of taking responsibility for our feelings, we can express the feeling and then let it go, let it dissipate, because we no longer feel justified in holding on to it. This is very powerful; it can transform the manner in which you interact with your kids, spouse, parents, friends, co-workers, and all other relationships.
In the past, little things and big things would make me angry. In fact they still do, only less and less. I would be angry on or off – mostly on – all day. I would get angry waiting in line at the supermarket because the cashier was talking to someone and taking too long. I would get angry at the doctor’s office because I felt that he had a lot of nerve to make me wait so long. I would get angry in my car because someone honked at me or tried to cut in front of me. I would get angry at work because someone spoke to me in a tone of voice that I felt was disrespectful. I would get angry with my kids because they walked, talked, or responded in a way I didn’t like. How could I possibly be happy and peaceful if everywhere I went I found a reason to be angry? And that is what I realized. I was finding a reason to be angry. It was my choice. I could also find a reason not to be angry. And that is what I began to do.
Of course bigger challenges may rise up before us. Someone may steal our car, break into our home, or hurt our children. We could get fired, get seriously sick, or have a bad accident. These types of events are serious challenges for our developing authenticity, our self-responsibility. However, as we really come to understand and know that our psychological suffering is caused by our perception of these events, we can begin to change our perceptions and to respond to these serious challenges more effectively without completely debilitating ourselves emotionally.
Taking responsibility for our feelings can also transform the relationship we each have with ourselves: how we view and feel about ourselves. We express and define our relationship with ourselves when we talk to ourselves through internal dialogue. Often when we talk to ourselves about ourselves, we are sending and reinforcing negative messages that cause us to be fearful and unhappy. Without internal dialogue, we would be free to live spontaneously in the moment, free of worry and fear.
Although specific events outside of us can trigger unhappy thoughts and feelings, often it is the anticipation of events and a negative way of thinking that causes our happiness. We may become depressed or melancholy because of the continuing, repetitive negative thoughts we have about ourselves and others. In order to achieve our own happiness and fulfillment we need to monitor and observe our thoughts and perceptions. Then, we need to change those thoughts and perceptions that are not serving us so we may change our feelings and actions.
As we become self-responsible, we can decide to seek the tools, knowledge, and help to break our fearful thought patterns and cycles of anger which lead to our unhappiness. We can begin by deciding to be responsible for our thoughts, feelings, and actions. We can begin by moving away from judgment and blame towards others and ourselves. We can begin by freeing others from our expectations and attempts to control and change them. We can begin by becoming aware of what we can influence and what we can not, and then choosing to focus our energies where it can effect the most change. We can begin by realizing that happiness is a choice we make and is not dependent on others, but what we think and do.
We can also begin by realizing that it is only through repetition and reflection that we learn and master subjects. It is through repetition that we change the negative programming of our thoughts, the tendency of our mind to repeat the fearful loops that cause us pain. As we learn, we become aware: self aware and aware of others. Changing our negative programming, or patterns, and becoming more aware empowers us for continued positive growth and ultimately the realization of our full potential.
Paul Zucker, Author of “Loving Our Children, Loving Ourselves”
Learn more about Paul Zucker and how he can help you create a more peaceful, positive, and conflict free home and family life here:
http://hubpages.com/hub/Paul-Zucker
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