Self-Improvement | Compassion | The Self Improvement Blog

Turning Anger Into Compassion

May 11, 2012 By Admin Leave a Comment

“When another person makes you suffer, it is because he suffers deeply within himself, and his suffering is spilling over.” Thich Nhat Hanh

I grew up in a family dominated by alcoholism, narcissism, illness and dysfunction. There were four of us, my mother, my father, my older brother and myself.

From a young age, I had a lot of responsibility. I was a parentified child, caring for my older brother who was epileptic and also caring for my parents whose main focus of concentration was on themselves.

Growing up I was filled with confusion, dissatisfaction, and suppressed anger.

As a child, I did not know other children were busy playing and being cared for. For me it was all about caring for others. I was left alone while my father worked, my mother shopped, and my brother was taken where he needed to be.

As a result of these dynamics, I grew up trying to please my distracted parents. I wanted nothing more than to win their approval and affection.

Expectations of me, from my parents, were many and grew in number as I did in age, until, as an adolescent I became rebellious as a response to a domineering father and a controlling mother.

My parents tried to enforce who were my friends, the young men I dated, my thoughts and my behavior. As a result, I married a man they disapproved of, who, (un)surprisingly was very much like them – narcissistic, unable to show love and affection and cut off from his feelings.

As I went out into the world, worked, married, became a mom, talked with others, read a few books and practiced Buddhism, I realized that my upbringing was filled with dysfunction and there were reasons that I had issues with trust, felt “different”, turned myself inside-out to win approval, had anxiety and suffered with depression. And as I worked with all of this in meditation and keeping a dream journal I realized I had lots of anger – even rage.

People work with anger in different ways. My way was to repress it. As I worked with my dreams, I realized I felt rage at the man I married and later I realized I also felt rage towards my parents. It was safer, when I was younger, to repress the rage as a way of “holding onto” my husband and my parents. Repressing anger, however, is not such a healthy thing to do – it takes a toll on the body, the mind and the spirit.

Marshall Rosenberg, who writes about nonviolent communication, says “You can feel it when it hits you. Your face flushes and your vision narrows. Your heartbeat increases as judgmental thoughts flood your mind. Your anger has been triggered, and you’re about to say or do something that will likely make it worse. You have an alternative. The nonviolent communication process teaches that anger serves a specific, life-enriching purpose. It tells you that you’re disconnected from what you value…”

Rosenberg’s quote on anger helped me to realize that anger serves an important purpose. The quote helped me to understand my reactivity. And, understanding my reactivity and that my parents were suffering, allowed me to transform the anger to compassion.

I realized that no matter how much I gave to my parents, it would never be enough. No matter how many times I flew across the country to visit, or stayed for weeks to help them recuperate from surgery, or help them move to an assisted living situation, they would always let me know that it wasn’t good enough. This caused me suffering, and they suffered as well. They suffered by being unable to accept the love and care I offered them. They suffered by wanting more than is reasonable to expect.

As I started saying “no” to unreasonable parental expectations and abuse I felt a huge sense of loss. Because I understand unconditional love, the love I have for my children, I realized that I never had unconditional love as a child.

Finally I realized that the anger I felt was telling me that I valued kindness, fairness, respect, and unconditional love. I finally realized that I value myself as a human being worthy of respect, love, kindness and concern.

Along with the loss comes relief, clarity, positivity and strength. Realizing that I no longer need to put myself in situations of abuse has helped the anger subside and compassion arise.

I have found Thich Nhat Hanh’s quotation “when another person makes you suffer, it is because he suffers deeply within himself, and his suffering is spilling over” to be true and when I keep it in mind I can let go of anger and embrace compassion.

Nancy is a twenty-year veteran of teaching, consulting and coaching. Assisting people to live with skillfulness, compassion and mindfulness is the focus of her mindfulness coaching. For information on meditation and mindfulness, and her coaching, click here http://mindfulworkshops.com

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What is True Compassion?

June 9, 2011 By Admin Leave a Comment

What defines true compassion? A Bible verse reads, “But a certain Samaritan, as he journeyed, came where he was; and when he saw him, he had compassion on him. And went to him, and bound up his wounds…and took care of him.” Luke 10:33-35.

A dictionary may define compassion as: “the deep awareness of the suffering of another coupled with the wish to relieve it.” While searching examples of true compassion from my life experiences, I suddenly realized it has nothing to do with the action. Instead it is about the person, the vessel; humans understanding the position and perspective of another. Through patience and withholding judgment, one should see beyond the present circumstances of another in order to offer hope.

I experienced a session last year with a dear friend, Jacqui Delario, who works with Theta Healing. For me, that session represents the best example of compassion used as a healing modality. There was a moment in the session where I felt compassion, a sense that someone knew and understood what I needed in order to receive healing and move forward. There was an immediate sense of calm, followed by weeks of unexpected personal results and opportunities as a result of my limiting beliefs being replaced with affirmations.

Compassion is the absence of judgment. Compassion is complete acceptance of another’s humanness. We believe being compassionate is to alleviate another’s suffering through sympathy, empathy, or helping them to understand their situation from a different perspective. But it is really about just being there for that person, without conditions.

Somewhere down the line compassion has gotten mixed up with being “wound-mates” (quip coined by Carolyn Myss). That is the reason people should always be careful when considering a support group. You want to make sure the group fits like a good bra: it lifts and separates, rather than creating a petri dish for wounds and past hurts. I don’t even like the word “support” because it sets the tone for not being able to stand on your own–ever. We always should be creating positive beliefs versus negative ones. We all have the capacity for compassion, and we need to extend our willingness to understand another without creating a need for dependency; it is kindness without conditions.

Compassion is not pity.
Compassion is not assistance.
Compassion is experienced.
Compassion is experienced by someone through someone that is balanced and happy.
Compassion means you have the ability to understand another’s pain, but not own that pain.
Compassion is loving neutrality. You are with them, You are within.
That moment is compassion.

Compassion is without words–it is flow. When you are feeling compassionate, there is a moment where you are truly outside of yourself (or ego), and you make a sincere effort to understand the other person’s situation. Compassion is the flow of the Divine Source through you to another–again, without conditions.Compassion is not the action or the reaction. Compassion is the moment you connect with your source in order to help another connect with his or her source.

Catherine Poole, is a well-respected, internationally known psychic/author and speaker. Educated as a graphic designer, she taught color theory and graphic design for more that fifteen years, including nine years at the University of Notre Dame. She has presented her color expertise in the U.S. and Europe on the uses and effects of color.

Catherine became known as “The Queen of Color” in the design world due to her unique ability to see into the human energy field. Look for her pending book Beyond Food, Fat and Fear, The Metaphysics of Weight Release (Llewellyn Worldwide Fall, 2009).

Catherine has a lucrative private practice in Abingdon, Virginia conducting sessions by phone or in person in her Abingdon office. Visit Catherine’s website at http://www.CatherinePoole.com.

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A Time for Compassion

March 20, 2011 By ireneconlan 2 Comments

By Irene Conlan -

Hurricane Katrina, Earthquakes in Haiti, and Japan, Tsunami , wars in the middle East, the threat of nuclear contamination and trouble and hardship around the globe have put humanity on high alert for compassion. In Japan alone thousands of people died, thousands are still missing and the number of injured has yet to be determined. Millions are homeless.

Where do you start? It’s easy to think, “It’s so huge, there’s nothing I can do to help. What can I do?” and, because of its enormity, we dismiss it. I hate to be so cliché but it’s like that elephant – you know the one – the one that we eat one bite at a time (Just who is it that wants to eat an elephant, anyway?).

Compassion is not limited to disaster sites although our hearts are certainly touched and opened by what we see happening. If we can give money or goods, we should. If we can go and have expertise to offer, then we ought to. But if we have given and are down to the bottom of what we can share and if we don’t have skills that are needed right now, then what?

Look around your own neighborhood and see where your compassion can find an outlet. The lady across the street is alone and has been ill. Have you offered to help her in any way? The single mom down the street looks exhausted. Can you take her a casserole some evening so she can give her children dinner and perhaps have a moment for herself? How can you help your neighbor who is on the edge of losing his house? What about the women in the shelter for abused women – can you help them somehow? Have you ever helped out at a homeless shelter? Have you ever visited the elderly in a nursing home Many of them have no remaining family or friends and just need someone to talk to.Do you donate the clothes and household items you no longer need or use to those who need them? Can you take something to a food bank in your town? You can’t do any of these things? Well, then, can you at least smile and say a kind word to the cashier in the grocery store or hold the door for a mother who is struggling to get through it with a stroller?

If you honestly can’t do any of these kinds of things there are still ways you can give your expression to your compasion.

You can pray.

You can visualize restoration, peace, health and healing for those devastated places

You can send positive thoughts where negativity abounds.

If you uderstand energy, you can send love and healing energies.

The Dalai Lama says, ““Compassion is not religious business, it is human business, it is not luxury, it is essential for our own peace and mental stability, it is essential for human survival.” Dalai Lama

With a deeper understanding of the concept of “oneness” we know that our attitude of compassion and our acts of compassion, wherever we are and whatever it is, contributes to the good of all.

Simply do what you can.

Filed Under: Self Improvement Tagged With: attitude of compassion, compassion, disaster, helping others

November 30, 2010 – Compassion

November 30, 2010 By Admin Leave a Comment

“If you want others to be happy, practice compassion. If you want to be happy, practice compassion.” - Dalai Lama quotes

Filed Under: Daily Quotes Tagged With: compassion, daily quote, Happiness

The Power of Compassion

November 30, 2010 By Admin Leave a Comment

By Bronnie Ware -

What is compassion to you? Is it something you ever give thought to? Are you aware of a time you have received compassion? And if so, how did it leave you feeling? Are you able to think of a time when you had compassion for someone else and acted in a kinder way as a result? Or is it something not terribly prominent in your thinking or behave? It may be that it is simply not something that you think about. Or used to think about at least. The compassion seed is now hopefully being planted.

Compassion is kindness, sympathy, consideration and especially empathy, the ability to put yourself, as best as possible, into another’s shoes to feel the situation properly. Thomas Merton, a gentle and wise scholar from last century best describes it as ‘the keen awareness of the interdependence of all things’.

It is a human emotion, yes. There are plenty of human emotions that I could speak of. But compassion is also a powerful force when applied. It generates loving energy to whomever it is directed to. It also gives the giver a feeling of love from within, an opening of the heart.

Compassion has the power to turn everything around. If we are able to view life from a compassionate place within, we let go of the ego and its need to be right, to dissolving the ego and working from the heart. It is choosing to be emotionally mature, letting go of ourselves and our need to validate.

Instead of carrying on after a disagreement with someone, both losing valuable time from the relationship due to stubbornness, hurt, or being unforgiving towards the other for years sometimes, we can choose to look at the situation from a place of compassion instead. It doesn’t mean that you necessarily agree with the actions of that person. It means that you make a conscious choice to not carry that energy with you anymore.

By choosing to look at a situation with compassion, we are more able to look kindly towards others, to see their own frailties and recognise our own. All of us are simply trying to be happy and avoid suffering. None of us are immune to learning, making mistakes, or having said or done something that has hurt another. We are all learning, constantly, whether we consciously choose to or not.

If we can remove our ego from the situation, our need to be right, and see the other person’s opinions or words as an expression of who they are now, which is a result of all of who they have been and what they have experienced up to this point, then the situation naturally softens immediately. We don’t have to agree with everything. Compassion is not about being walked over and trying to be a martyr by saving others. It is simply recognising that all of us have goodness and all of us have humanness, which at times shows up in less favourable or desirable ways.

If a person is speaking unkindly, they are not in their natural space. We are born as loving creatures with our hearts wide open. Through years of wounds and fears, we often act from a place disconnected from our own true wisdom. We have forgotten the loving person we truly are, or the person speaking to you in an offensive way has forgotten who they are. We do have a choice as to how we respond however.

We can add more suffering to suffering by causing hurt, or we can choose to come from a place of emotional maturity and view the situation through compassionate eyes. The ego will rear up and try to hold on. As you are now working from the heart not the head, the ego is losing power, which it does not like. But over time, as we grow and develop in compassion it becomes a natural state for us. Like everything, it gets better with practice.

I grew up in an environment where forgiveness was a constant lesson for me. Even though I endured emotional wounds that took years for me to heal, forgiveness was the only way forward. But how did I do that, when I had become so fragile, sensitive and fearful of exposing myself to more of the same year after year?

It wasn’t until I was able to develop compassion that things began to change. And they changed enormously. Through compassion we learn not to take things personally, because it is really not about us. It is the other person’s suffering that they are dumping on us. So if we are able to detach in a loving way and realise that no matter what has been thrown at us, it is really just a manifestation of the other person’s hurt, then we are able to have compassion for that person and let it go. This not only stops giving more power to negative situations, it allows healing to begin on all levels for everyone involved, including you.

For my own personal situation, I now reap the rewards of such courage by enjoying hugely changed, loving, mature relationships between myself and those mentioned, relationships that I could never have imagined possible.

Whether it is the person serving you at the supermarket, or an impatient driver on the roads, it doesn’t matter. There are opportunities to develop and grow in compassion every single day. It takes work to dissolve the ego and not want to get the last word in, or to be kind to someone who may reject your kindness. Make it about them though, not you. You can then wish kindness toward them and move on, knowing that the power of compassion is in place and is a force well beyond our comprehension, generating the change needed. It is a loving force that permeates every area of your life once developed.

So how does one begin to grow in compassion? How do you develop it? Compassion has to start with ourselves. This is the most difficult part of the whole compassion journey. It has to start with ourselves. We are our own harshest critics and until we learn to be kind and compassionate towards ourselves, we cannot grow in it for others. As Westerners in particular, we can be incredibly harsh on ourselves. Yet we are all children of God, whatever you conceive that to be, and we are all born with the desire to be happy.

We first need to forgive ourselves for things of our past. By continuing to carry regret or guilt, we hold ourselves back from blooming into the people we are here to be. Sure, we would all have done some things differently given the chance, but we are human and we are constantly learning. So forgive yourself and realise that you did what you did as a result of who you were at that time. And you are not that person now. Have compassion for the person you were.

You are constantly growing, constantly evolving into a better person. So be kind to yourself and remember that that was the best you could do back then, as who you were then. And be grateful for the growth in yourself that now recognises this. You must learn to be gentle on yourself. It is the first point of healing for you and for all who come into contact with you.

I am not saying it is easy. I think I cried for four days solid when I first started generating compassion towards myself. And more tears followed as the process continued. It is not dwelling in the victim mentality forever and thinking poor me all the time. Instead, you are recognising the suffering of your own past and generating kindness towards yourself as a result. It is forgiving yourself. It is choosing to love who you were and who you now are, all of you.

The power of compassion is a tangible force, with results unimaginable. It is a force of love, forgiveness, kindness and healing. We all suffer. We all yearn for happiness. We are all capable of healing. Never underestimate the power of compassion. I have seen it heal on all levels of society.

Simply make the choice to be aware of compassion, of it being an option as to how you respond to others. But first and foremost, it is an option as to how you treat yourself.

The power of compassion needs you onboard. Start by generating compassion towards yourself. Recognise your beauty and love yourself, with all of your frailties and mistakes. You are worthy of this love. You are worthy. You are still an incredibly beautiful soul with much to share.

When you are able to be kind on yourself, you are then able to be kind to other people, to animals, to the Earth and to all who need compassion along your path.

With an open heart, the power of compassion flows through you as naturally as the air that you breathe. You owe it yourself.

Be aware of this magnificent force and all that you are capable of being.

Be kind. Be sympathetic. And above all, be compassionate.

Bronnie Ware is a writer, singer/songwriter and songwriting teacher from Australia. Drawing on her diverse background and vast life experiences, Bronnie shares her inspiring observations and insights through her work. To read more of her delightful articles and learn about her other work, please visit Inspiration and Chai at http://www.inspirationandchai.com.

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Filed Under: Happiness Tagged With: better person, change, compassion, Forgiveness, generating compassion, Hope, kindness, Love, power, self improvement, self help

Self Acceptance

November 22, 2010 By Admin Leave a Comment

By Theresa Owens -

It isn’t always easy to accept who or what we are. We all like to imagine ourselves as if looking through the lens of ‘an ideal’ without flaws or weaknesses. In truth, nobody is perfect; being human means that we make mistakes.

Today psychologists generally agree that our level of self-esteem, (how much you like and value yourself as a person), lies at the heart of your personality. To enjoy the benefits of high self-esteem is to accept and embrace all facets of ourselves – (not just the ‘esteem-able’ parts), unconditionally.

“Since the perfect human being has not yet been discovered, we all need to live with our hang-ups and our idiosyncrasies until they can be ironed out. One of the most important qualities in successful dynamic living is that of self-acceptance.” -Denis Waitley

Self-acceptance comes from an acceptance of the things you like about yourself and the things you don’t. We all will (and do) make mistakes, do things wrong and have things about us that maybe we would prefer not to have – this is what makes us unique.

Self-acceptance also involves compassion – compassion for self. We often judge ourselves unfavourably and this creates an internal dialogue (self-talk) that is negative and for the most part will result in us feeling bad about ourselves and does little to motivate us or change things.

Acceptance is about being ok with where you are now – in all aspects of your life. That does not mean that you cannot strive to change things that you want to change – it means being accepting of what is going on ‘right now’, in the ‘here and now’ and acknowledging the advantages of this – whist still working towards goals and outcomes for changes you want to make in your life.

Some people say to me – it can’t be that easy, but I know the benefits of thinking and behaving in this way, and, as you consider the benefits of self-acceptance you might like to think about the improvements it will enable you to make in your life.

In his book Happiness Now, Robert Holden says – “Happiness and self-acceptance go hand in hand. In fact, your level of self-acceptance determines your level of happiness. The more self-acceptance you have, the more happiness you will allow yourself to accept, receive and enjoy.”

Therefore, the ability to show ourselves compassion is essential. The more we are able to forgive ourselves for everything we regard as shameful, wrong, or blameworthy, the better we will understand that no human being is perfect and all that we do, whether right or wrong is another chapter in our learning and reflects our efforts to be the best we can be. Nobody deliberately does a thing wrong and we all make the best choice available to us at the time of making it.

Being able to accept ourselves unconditionally means that we set the standard. Once we stop grading ourselves and beating ourselves up for what we ‘should’ must, or ought to do’ we can adopt an attitude of compassion, understanding and forgiveness. We can continue to strive to do better whilst accepting who we are and where we are, – as we are, today.

If we can adopt this for ourselves, we are more likely to be accepting of others which will have the added benefit of improving our relationships within all areas of our life.

“The greatest success, is successful self acceptance.”

- Ben Sweet

Theresa M Owens
Professional Counsellor and Coach
Registered Hypnotist /Master Practitioner NLP
Email: theresa@e-t-c.me.uk
Mob: 0781 256 6940
15th March 2010

An NLP Master Practitioner, Counsellor and Life Coach, Theresa is a highly respected and skilled teacher and trainer, with a person centred approach to learning and personal and professional development. As the Training Director of Life Change UK she has designed and written the company’s training courses. Theresa also provides dynamic group and one to one training / support to people suffering from substance misuse.

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Filed Under: Self Esteem Tagged With: accept ourselves unconditionally, acceptance, Anger Management, compassion, friendship, Happiness, self improvement, self help

Do you remember “Pay it Forward?”

August 31, 2010 By ireneconlan 1 Comment

By Irene Conlan -

A video found me this morning as I was sitting here trying to decide what to write about. And once I found it, it seemed imperative that we talk about helping others – again. The video is snippets from the movie “Pay it Forward” which hit the screen in 2000 and has impacted lives ever since. The idea is to do something to help someone else. The person you helped cannot pay you for your service but pay by doing something to help someone else. Each person is asked to help three people who in turn help three people, who in turn help three people – like a Multi-Level Marketing Program. The product here is helping others in any way they need. Instead of paying you back, they pay it forward.

If you haven’t seen the movie, I highly recommend it. If you need a refresher watch the video below which recaps the movie and the idea.

Think about your own neighborhood. What if each person in the area helped someone else who in turn payed it forward? What would your neighborhood be like by the end of the year? If the next neighborhood did the same and it caught on throughout your town, what do you think would happen to the crime rate? The jobless rate? The homeless rate? The juvenile delinquency rate? The domestic violence rate? I have no idea, but my guess is that all the numbers would show remarkable change for the better.

Ideas?

Maybe there’s a little old lady (or man) who can’t get to the grocery store any more and someone makes sure that he/she has a way to get there and back or someone goes shopping for them.
Someone may have a serious illness and has no one to look in on them now and then – or help them with meals, or contact their family. This list can be very long and require a number of people to help. Maybe you can organize that group.
A single mom has a need one morning a week for someone to put her child on the school bus or keep the child for an hour in the afternoon when the bus drops him off. Can you do something like that?
The neighbor on the corner lost his job and just needs some help until he can find employment – money, food, utility bills, etc.
A new family moves in and knows no one. Remember when you moved? What did you need? They need that, too.
The family down the street has a new baby. The needs here are endless.
The high school is just down the street and there are students who need tutoring. Can you help?
The retirement home a block away can use people to read or talk with the people there who have no family and few friends who can help. Can you?
The neighbor across the street was in a car accident and needs a ride. Can you give him one while he tries to straighten things out.

Each neighborhood, each community, is a little different. Look around yours with new eyes – eyes that are looking for ways to help, ways to give instead of take. There is nothing that I know of that is as powerful as this to heal YOUR loneliness, lack of self esteem, feelings of isolation, sadness or whatever it is as this program. Try it – you might grow to love it.

Filed Under: Self Improvement Tagged With: compassion, good deeds, helping others, pay it forward

Tony Robbins Strikes Again

August 4, 2010 By ireneconlan Leave a Comment

By Irene Conlan -

Last night’s “Breakthrough” on NBC was a stunning portrayal of the strength and resilience of the human spiit and must have struck a cord for millions of people who have been struggling to stay afloat in the sagging economy of the past several years.

This couple could be any of us.

He had a good job, she was a stay-at-home-mom. They had great children who were used to the “good things in life,” a beautiful home and all the trimmings – and they almost lost it all. He was let go in the downsizing of the company he had been with for 23 years. They invested their entire life savings in a start-up company that failed.

They were on the verge of losing it all – their marriage, their home, their self esteem and well being, their – well, their everything.

In rode Tony Robbins on his white horse to to the rescue. (He didn’t actually have a white horse – we only saw him walking. But you know what I mean when I use that metaphor). The drastic measure was to send them to a Los Angeles shelter for the homeless – skid row – for two weeks. They lived, slept, ate, mingled with the homeless.

They learned that they had a lot more than they ever realized and that it isn’t how much “stuff” you have that counts. They learned trust and caring of and for each other again and re-sparked the love that always been in their marriage.

After this experience and back in New York, she was sent on a job quest and he was given a trial position in a restaurant with the toughest, most demanding boss I have ever seen. They both triumphed.

This could have been me or you. It was a very real scenario.

Could I have done as well as they did? I don’t know. I like to think I could have and I admire the courage they showed. I admired their willingness to help out while they were in the homeless shelter and their kindness to the others who lived there.

But let’s get real. They knew they were going to leave sometime soon even though the outcome of the show and their results were unknown. They knew they were going to get out. Many of the people in the shelter cannot know that. This couple had hope – a luxury that most of the homeless don’t have. Most of us can endure anything when we know it is only for a few weeks. But endurance isn’t the same as learning the lessons that need to be learned from the experience. They learned the lessons.

The outcome of the show was obviously successful for their marriage, their income, their lives. It wouldn’t have been shown if it hadn’t been successful. If they had walked away when confronted with the tasks they were given it would have been over.

Well? What about real life at your house? When you are confronted with obstacles, challenges, tough decision, setbacks – you name it – do you shrink and quit or do you dig deep into your spirit, do what has to be done, and go on?

Have you ever had a life changing challenge? Did you meet it head on? What did you do?

What would you do if you were faced with homelessness, loss of your family, and loss of belief in your own abilities?

Let me throw this out into the middle of the ring: If you help people who are in trouble now when you are fine, it’s like putting money in the bank for when you are in trouble. The saying, “What goes around comes around” or “You reap what you sow”is quite valid.

Advice? Begin to sow love and compassion. Put your time, money and talent into helping someone else. This is the best insurance you can have for your own happy future. And if you do it with no thought of a return gain but out of love and caring for another, even better.

Filed Under: Self Improvement Tagged With: bankrupt, compassion, homless, Hope, self improvement, Starting Over

Charlie

July 18, 2010 By ireneconlan 2 Comments

By Irene Conlan -

The first time he rang my doorbell, I thought he was a homeless man and I recoiled a bit, not in fear as much as in surprise. There are few homeless people close by. He was seeking donations for “my vets” as he calls them. I hesitated to leave the door to get my purse – afraid to leave Charlie alone outside with my door open. But my son was at the other end of the house and I knew I could call if I needed help. I could have closed the door but something made me leave it open.

I could have said “no.” I could have brushed him off like I do the teens they bus into our neighborhood to sell magazine subscriptions. But there was something about Charlie that invited my generosity and my interest. It may have been his passion for helping his vets. It may have been his sincerity – because he is certainly sincere. He looked like a homeless man himself and here he was asking for money for homeless vets. I think it was his passion. His love.

The thought crossed my mind that maybe the money simply went into Charlie’s pocket and my son and I discussed it. We decided that Charlie deserved it as much as anyone but something told me that the money never graced his pocket except for the time it took him to get it to those vets.

This was the first of many visits from Charlie. I hope it isn’t his last. He always comes with a smile and a brief story. Sometimes I have almost nothing in my purse and sometimes I can be more generous. It doesn’t matter what the amount is, Charlie treats it like you just gave him a million dollars. His smile broadens across his face and his eyes smile, “thanks” before his lips can say it.”Oh, ma’am, this will help a lot,” he’ll say. He makes you wish you had more to give.

Now when he comes, he asks about my son and my grandsons and about how things are going for me. And then we talk a bit about his vets.

Yesterday he came. It was like an old friend coming for a visit. I brought him in from the heat – it was 110 degrees here yesterday – while we talked and I fetched my purse. I had no fear about leaving him alone there in my living room.

He showed me a scar he got from an attack by a pit bull – an ugly gash of a scar running down his right arm. He assured me quickly that is is o.k. now and it didn’t hurt too much at the time. He told me he is having his pacemaker replaced soon and was excited that it would not be at the VA hospital but at “Good Sam” – now Banner, but still “Good Sam” for those of us who have lived here forever. “The doc from VA will be there with me,” he proudly proclaimed, as he put his hand on the spot the pacemaker occupies in his chest.

I guess Charlie’s age to somewhere between 65 and 75. Yesterday, as I said, it was 110 degrees and Charlie was going door to door to collect money for “his vets” because times are so hard for them right now. He has a passion to help homeless vets - he may be one himself. I don’t know. His passion takes him out in the Phoenix heat, with a bad heart, to go door to door asking for money.

I did a quick examination of my own life and couldn’t find a passion that rivaled his.

When he left it felt like my house had been blessed by his presence. I know it had been.

Charlie always makes me feel like I’ve been visited by an angel and I thought of the passage from the Bible:

Be not forgetful to entertain strangers;
for thereby some have entertained angels unaware.
Hebrews 13:2 KJV

Thank you, Charlie, for reminding me what love is and showing me again what compassion, passion and generosity looks like.

Filed Under: Self Improvement Tagged With: angels unaware, compassion, generosity, Love, passion, self improvement

Love and compassion in a company

February 8, 2010 By ireneconlan Leave a Comment

By Irene Conlan -

Large corporations aren’t usually known for their kindness and compassion for anything but the bottom line and, lately are known for their big bonuses for the top management. The worker bees are often forgotten and unrewarded.

Last night after the SuperBowl I watched a program called “UnderCover Boss.” It was one of the most interesting programs I have seen in quite some time.

Larry McDonald, President and COO of Waste Management, went undercover in his own company to experience first hand what his employees do on a daily basis and see how company policies were being implemented.

On the first day he sorted recyclables and had to sort the trash and cardboard out of the trash coming by on a conveyor belt to keep these items from jamming the machine. He couldn’t keep up with the speed of the line and jammed the machine aware of just how much the machine cost. He had lunch with his supervisor and near the end of lunch she jumped up and ran from lunch to clock back in. She told him she didn’t dare be even one minute late getting back to work because the company docked them double the time they were late. He was quite surprised by this and made a note to look into it. At the end of the day he was sore and exhausted and wondered if he would be able to work the next day.

On his second day he was assigned to picked up trash. He was given a spear and a garbage bag and told that he should be able to fill a bag every ten minutes. He couldn’t do it and basically got fired.

On the third day he worked with a landfill manager who literally was doing the work of several people and, even though she was overworked and not paid for the added workload, she was still totally positive about the company. She invited him to have dinner with her family since he was alone in town. Here he learned first hand about her financial struggles and her burdens at home.

On the fourth day he cleaned portable toilets. His trainer was an upbeat man who made the job seem fun. McDonald did well and was told so.

On the last day he rode the garbage truck with a female employee. He had to learn how to empty the bin in the truck and admitted it was hard work. The woman driver told him the company is not “female friendly” She took a can with her in case she had to pee on the route because the company didn’t give her time to find a rest room. She also told him how the company sends supervisors out to spy on them to see if they’re working.

O.K. We’re about to get to the love part.

When he returned to the company he began to make some changes that would benefit not only the five employees he spent time with but also all the employees of the company.

Each one he worked with directly had personal gains in pay and in what they did in the company.

The man who had him picking up trash had kidney disease and was on dialysis. He was given time to help other employees and dialysis patients because he had such a positive attitude toward work and his illness.

The man who cleaned toilets now couches other employees on how to make the job interesting and fun.

The woman at the conveyor belt was given assurance that she would no longer be docked double time for every minute she was late and that he would look into these policies.

The truck driver was promised the spy tactics would stop and the company would be more aware of not only women’s concerns but all concerns of the truck drivers e.g., they needed time to have a bathroom break. She had a friend on her route who was retarded and came out to meet her when she stopped to collect the garbage. McDonald was deeply moved by this because he has a daughter who had been brain damaged as a baby. He was moved to tears. She was encouraged to continue her compassion.

The landfill manager was given a promotion, two employees to help her an a substantial raise with bonuses.

In the end Larry McDonald “got it.” He saw and experienced first hand that his employees are not just dots on the company map but flesh and blood, live human beings who hurt, pay bills, show compassion, love their families and friends and who make his company work or not work.

While his middle and top management personnel didn’t look too impressed and may thwart any changes suggested, Larry McDonald may never be the same. His employees, their jobs and their lives, touched him deeply.

We can only hope that more presidents and CEOs learn to show love, compassion and understanding to those people who make their companies run.

If you want to view the entire program go to http://www.cbs.com/video/video.php?pid=eeih_jUDpC4RUe_O4m88dgi91p_wErmd&nrd=1

It is slow to start so be patient.

Filed Under: Self Improvement Tagged With: compassion, corporation, employees, Love, Waste Management

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