Self-Improvement | Grief And Grieving | The Self Improvement Blog

A Town, A State, A Nation in Grief

January 11, 2011 By ireneconlan Leave a Comment

By Irene Conlan -

I live in Arizona and the shootings on Saturday have had a profound effect on us all. I’m not one to get involved in endless TV broadcasts of bad news – I rarely turn the TV on during the day - but since Saturday I have found myself leaving the TV on while I work at the computer to hear any news of Congresswoman Gabrielle Giffords. I ache each time the parents of nine year old Christina Green are asked to talk with a reporter and wonder how the parents of Jared Loughner are holding up. Too many deaths. Too many left bereaved. So many in deep pain.

Grief is gut wrenching and life changing. There is no good time for it to happen. Grief takes time. Those who are grieving need compassion and comfort and they need kindness and understanding. Healing takes place but not quickly, sometimes taking years or lifetimes.

The funerals begin on Thursday with the burial of Christina Green followed by the funeral of Judge John Roll on Friday. There are six in all to bury.

We honor those who have died and we pray for those who are left behind. Those who lost their lives Saturday are:

Christina Taylor Green
Judge John Roll
Dorothy Morris
Phyllis Schneck
Dorwin Stoddard
Gabe Zimmerman

If you know their loved ones, don’t be afraid to tell them that you care, that you’re there for them. If you know them well, don’t hesitate to take them food, go over to help them with things like cleaning and shopping. Don’t be afraid to pitch and help with the nitty gritty.

Don’t be afraid that you don’t know what to say – you really don’t need to say much. A listening ear and a comforting arm around the shoulder, speak much more of comfort and understanding than words. Words, in grief, sometimes have no meaning because there are no words to express what they feel right now and there are no words that give comfort. It is love that comforts.

Just be there. Let them talk, cry, rage – whatever they need to do to express this deep, deep anguish. It’s o.k. to ask them what they need and if they don’t know right now, just listen. You stay strong to be their rock

For those who make up the town, the state, the nation: it is time to drop the blaming and the finger pointing.

The Republicans didn’t do this.
The Democrats didn’t do this.
The Tea Party didn’t do this.
Sara Palin didn’t do this.
President Obama didn’t do this.
Jared Loughlan’s parents didn’t do this.

Jared Loughlan did this

Perhaps the vitriol that has flowed from the political arena in the past years contributed to the confused thinking and misplaced emotions of the shooter. We may never know.

Perhaps it’s time to slow down and do some self examination. Ask yourself: What do I contribute to society that strengthens my family, my town, my state and my country? Are they better off because of me?

If you’re in public office, have you contributed to the polarization of the parties or have you tried to build unity? Have you given in to the lure of power and greed or have you stayed true to your promise of representing your constituents?

We probably cannot stop violent actions of deranged people. But we can, as individuals, stop spewing anger and become a part of the solution rather than a part of the problem.

We need a metamorphosis in politics: A change of politicians into statesmen and stateswomen. Miracles are welcome.

We need to become the UNITED States once more.

Filed Under: Self Improvement Tagged With: congresswoman giffords, death, grief and grieving, tucson shooting

It’s Too Hot to . . .

June 30, 2009 By ireneconlan 2 Comments

By Irene Conlan –

It hit 110 degrees yesterday and going to be hotter today. It’s just too hot to do much of anything.

I look at the yard with its drooping flowers and drying grass and know I just can’t go out there to water it. It’s too hot to do that, anyway – it will simply scorch it and kill it for certain. Maybe when it cools off tonight. Maybe tomorrow.

The air conditioner pumps furiously but somehow it just doesn’t seem to make me feel energized. I don’t want to do anything.

I don’t want to clean.

I don’t want to write.

I don’t want to work.

I don’t even want to play.

It’s just to hot.

My thoughts are with my beloved and how much I miss him and want him to be here with me. It’s been several years since he died but the loneliness doesn’t seem to leave and the hole in my heart doesn’t seem to heal. I’ve done my “grief work.” Understanding that the only way out is through, I have gone “through” – it is better. I can fully function now, but the hole and loneliness are still there.

But it’s even too hot to grieve.

Grieving takes a lot of energy. It uses up your resources – mentally, emotionally and physically. There are some things that I’ve found, however, that lighten the load, move me forward. and help me get over the hurdles that I find in the way.

I have come to understand that the way I feel is my choice. I can choose to be happy or I can choose to be sad. I can choose to be content or I can choose to be angry. I can choose to have a celebration or I can choose to have a pity party. I have learned that my happiness does not depend on anyone else – it depends entirely on me and the choices I make. I can also make choices about my grief.

Recently I saw a You Tube clip of Dr. Patch Adams addressing a crowd. He was dressed as a clown and he encouraged each member of his audience to think about the joy in their lives and he said “If you can’t think of any joy, I want you to lie.” I agree with him about that. (See the center video in the right column) I’ve always been a stickler for telling the truth but in this case I think a lie is in perfect order. If I think about my loss, I can make it bigger and more painful, longer lasting. If I think about what he brought to my life – the love, the raucous laughter, the absolute joy, the spiritual expansion – it is easier to be grateful for what I had than sad for what I lost.

I don’t know how this applies to “new grief” when just breathing seems too hard and every day brings more pain and awareness of the deep loss. I think that in the beginning, you have to do what ever you can to keep your head above water like someone who is drowning. You cry, flail about or just go limp and float, until you can get a foothold again. I remember just putting one foot in front of the other trying to make it through the day and dreading the long sleepless night. At this stage you find someone to talk with, lean on, trust to be there with you on the grief roller coaster and you keep on keeping on. And when you are able you take time to focus on the positives in your life, no matter how small they are right now, and make conscious choices to feel better.

For some time now I have, every morning, listed five things I’m grateful for or that bring me joy and I have taken time to reflect on a positive experience I have had. I try to be aware of my moods and make conscious decisions about how I feel if the moods seem to go in a negative direction. It has an amazing effect on my day, making it sparkle rather than drag. It has helped me with the loneliness and the hole in my heart. And it makes things not only bearable but also joyful.

It isn’t to hot to be joyful.

But it is just too hot to grieve.

Filed Under: Happiness, Irene's Articles, Self Esteem Tagged With: decide to be happy, decision about moods, grief and grieving

This Week’s Videos are about Grief, Healing and Hope

May 11, 2009 By ireneconlan Leave a Comment

oth2 Let me introduce you to two outstanding websites to help you with grief, healing and hope: http://www.youtube.com/opentohope and the parent site http://www.opentohope.com. Grief isn’t something we want to deal with but, inevitably, we will each face it and it will have a major and lasting impact on our lives. If you are grieving a loss, you can find comfort here. If you are trying to help a friend or loved on who has suffered a loss, you will find help here. If you are a health care professional or counselor you will find support and information here.

You can see the video in the right column or click the link below the description. An added bonus is the music at the end that keeps you there for a few moments.

The first video is an introduction to the Open to Hope foundation by its founder, Dr. Gloria Horsley.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7pJrmdrNnQU

The second video is of Dr. Ira Byock speaking on looking at death at a normal part of every life and how we can deal with it. http://www.youtuobe.com/watch?v=7pJrmdrNnQU

The third video is Howard Winokuer talking about what to say to someone who is grieving. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CwlejB2FieY

Filed Under: Videos Tagged With: death and dying, grief and grieving, open to hope

Dealing With Grief and Loss – How to Mend a Broken Heart

May 11, 2009 By Guest Contributor Leave a Comment

broken-heart1 By Maurice Turmel Ph.D. -

What is it about Grief & Loss that upsets us so much? Is it the heavy duty emoting that we have to do to get through our suffering? Is it the fear we have about opening ourselves to all this pain? Because, let’s face it, it’s hard down there, in the land of grieving where all those emotions toss us around like a cork on a stormy sea.

We understand that this is necessary, at a surface level, but how we are feeling is what really counts. In that place we call Grief & Loss, is where pain dominates our life and where suffering is the paramount teacher. This is really difficult, and we know it only too well at times like these. We go there because we have to, but we try hard to escape, as soon as possible.

What is necessary now to get through to the end of this process? Is it simply a matter of toughing it out, or, do we have to dredge and dig and pummel ourselves along the way? It’s hard to be sure what we must do at such times.

All those Gurus that say “do it this way or that way,” are they capable of handling it themselves? As a survivor, going through grief, I would want to know that, wouldn’t you? The essence of false advertising is “never having been there yourself,” is it not? Absolutely, this we all know without a doubt.

So what do we require then to move through this landscape called Grief & Loss? We seem to know this at some level, don’t we? We seem to know that deep down where our sorrows dwell, there is an inescapable reality. We have to feel this. Oh yes, it’s an ugly fact, but true nevertheless. We have to feel this pain in order to exorcise it from our bodies. Yes, we have to feel it, so we can learn that this too is survivable. Isn’t that the most important thing in all such activities – to know where you are at in your own heart when you finally get to the truth?

This truth I talk about is your truth, that feeling in your gut when you know you are right. Since this is your truth, then only You can determine its validity for yourself. No guru can ever take you there. Because deep down, this is your “house,” your well-spring of creative experience. What happens here defines your life, tells you who you are and, right now, what you have to suffer at times of grief and loss.

To some that may seem sad though, to arrive in this “feeling” place where grief has brought you. But is it really? Perhaps it’s a better thing than you imagined, this place where truth resides within. Perhaps it’s more than you ever bargained for. Sure, grief brought you here, but what else goes on in this place of tender emotion? How about looking around, since you’re already here?

These are your life lessons after all, to have and to hold, until your truths can be borne. How could you ever have a guru do that for you? No such luck! You have to do it yourself. But what a fantastic opportunity to get to know yourself better, to live deep inside your own heart and soul while this grieving process goes on around you.

Let me assure you that you will survive. You will overcome these tragic effects. Because there is truth in there where you live. And that truth will take you somewhere important – for you! This is Your Truth, remember, and only you can assess, experience and benefit from the effects it will have upon you.

So do it! Allow yourself to descend to where it hurts and find out for yourself what this experience of grief and loss is, and what it can teach you that might correct your misperceptions about Life, Love & Purpose. Yes, you have access to the truth, just as I do, just as we all do. As these lessons arrive, they are yours for the taking. We all get them. Grief and Loss are but one more avenue to help us get to our very own Truth. Yes, the suffering will eventually pass, but the Truth – well, that’s forever!

Extracted from How to Cope with Grief and Loss Audio Ebook

Maurice Turmel holds a PhD in Counseling Psychology. He was a practicing therapist for nearly 25 years providing counseling and therapy to individuals, groups, organizations and families. He is the author of “The Voice – A Metaphor for Personal Development”; “Mythical Times – Exploring Life, Love & Purpose”; and “How to Cope with Grief and Loss – Support, Guidance and Direction for Your Healing Journey”. He has been a guest on numerous regional television and radio talk shows and hosts his own radio shows on live365.com/drmauriceturmel and on BlogTalkRadio.com

Websites: http://www.howtocopewithgriefandloss.com

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Maurice_Turmel_Ph.D.

Filed Under: Dreams and Goals, Emotional Health, Health, Physical Health Tagged With: broken heart, grief and grieving

Can We Talk – About Grief?

May 11, 2009 By ireneconlan Leave a Comment

death1 By Irene Conlan -

Isn’t it interesting that death is 100% certain for each of us and yet it is one of those things that we just don’t talk about in our Western culture? People grieve alone primarily. Two months after the death of a loved one friends are saying, “Isn’t it time you got over this?” We don’t know what to say and we’re uncomfortable with the whole subject so most of us choose to ignore it altogether. But it’s a subject that needs to be talked about. More and more people are looking for information on how to grieve or help those who are grieving.

Because my belief system includes a belief in multiple lifetimes, a.k.a. reincarnation, I could not understand why people made dying and grieving such a big deal. “We’re just going to come back again anyway,” was my thinking. And then my fiance died of Lou Gehrig’s Disease. After many grueling months of being his caregiver and then sitting at his bedside in hospice watching him die, I was not prepared for the surge of grief that followed. I did not understand the huge hole his dying would leave in my life. I was grieving my loss and it was enormous. After the first few weeks following his death, people decided I should be “over it” and come to “closure.” His sister realized I needed more than that and, over the next couple of years, traveled from Sedona to Phoenix on a regular basis to be with me and let me talk about Stephen. God bless Holly. We helped each other get through the indescribable loss. I thought I was supposed to go through it according to Kubler-Ross’s stages and, not following them exactly, I thought I was somehow “off track” with the grief thing. When my son developed a web site for Drs. Gloria and Heidi Horsley called “The Grief Blog“ I had a chance to learn about grief and grieving – the most important thing is that we each grieve in our own time and our own way. (It’s interesting to me that, as a health care professional, I was never taught how to deal with grief.)

The Griefblog was widely received and got too busy for my son to keep up with and I began posting articles to it for him. I eventually became its editor. What I have learned about grief and grieving helped me through the end of my own grieving process and, as Dr. Gloria says, “The pain remains but the suffering has stopped.” I wish I had know all this sooner. I wish people could talk about it. And so we will.

What about you? Have you lost someone in the past few years and you just don’t know how to get through it? Do you have a bereaved friend and you have no idea what to say or how to help? Do you change the subject when the subject of death comes up in conversation? We avoid it as if ignoring it would make our own inevitable death go away – it won’t.

The Grief Blog began as an adjunct of the radio show Healing the Grieving Heart which airs live each Thursday a.m. and is hosted by Drs. Gloria and Heidi Horsley. From these two components emerged the Open to Hope Foundation which now has numerous blogs about grief and grieving; e.g., loss of a child, loss of a spouse, military loss, etc. They also have a Youtube community – http://www.youtube.com/opentohope – and are hosting the leaders in death education who are making short videos to help those who are grieving or are trying to help those who are grieving. New videos are posted every week so check back often. You will find several posted in the right column.

If this sounds like a commercial for Open to Hope, please excuse me. There is just nothing else like it available – anywhere. It is cutting edge and I want to share it with you.

It’s time we take a look at death and dying, grief and grieving. It’s time to talk about it – out loud.

One of the things I “harp” on in this blog is knowing what you believe and that includes knowing what you believe about death, dying and what happens after death. This would be a good time to review those beliefs.

Filed Under: Irene's Articles, Self Esteem, Self Improvement, Stress Management Tagged With: death and dying, grief and grieving, self improvement

Holiday Decor – a poem about grief

October 5, 2008 By Guest Contributor Leave a Comment

By Kim Hodne

I walked through a shop today not expecting to see holiday décor
I tried to ignore all the Christmas trees and trinkets
But the Nutcrackers caught my eye
They were all lined up on display and seemed to beckon me to stop

The memories swept over me and I thought it best to turn and leave
But something held me there and I stood gazing for a while
I pictured you as a young boy of seven with a certain fascination
Of our one lone Nutcracker at Christmastime

Last year right before Christmas, I packed up your ornaments

and gave them to you in a silver box labeled Trevor’s ornaments
All the ones, which were your favorites
But you were mostly glad to receive the old Nutcracker
Which found a place on your apartment shelf.

I asked if you’d like to start a collection of them
Something we had never done
You smiled at that idea
I made a mental note for n ext year

As I stood in front of these Nutcrackers
This first season without you
I realized- I can still can give you one each year
In honor of you and the season you always loved

Editor’s note: This poem was originally posted on http://www.thegriefblog.com If you have experienced a loss, this is a site that can give you comfort and hope. I encourage you to visit it.

Filed Under: Grief Management, Irene's Articles, Self Improvement, Stress Management Tagged With: grief and grieving, grief and the holidays, self improvement

A Town, A State, A Nation in Grief

It’s Too Hot to . . .

This Week’s Videos are about Grief, Healing and Hope

Dealing With Grief and Loss – How to Mend a Broken Heart

Can We Talk – About Grief?

Holiday Decor – a poem about grief

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