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Emotional Abuse

February 26, 2011 By Leave a Comment

By Lisa A. Romano -

If someone were to walk up to you and slam you in the face, it would be obvious to all who witnessed the attack and even to you, that you had been a victim of abuse. As the welt on your face began to swell, others would more likely than not offer you their empathy, quick to rise to your defense. In your mind would be no doubt that you had in fact been abused. Like a simple math equation, you would simply know this to be true.

However, when in the case of emotional abuse, the obvious is not as apparent as the big red bruise on your face. In fact, when we are being emotionally abused there is no evidence to others; no welt to point to. Emotional abuse takes place behind closed doors and on the playgrounds of our minds. There are no witnesses, no bumps or bruises to point to.

Emotional abuse is used as a manipulative tool by others to gain control over our actions, thoughts and feelings. Sometimes the abuse is obvious like when we are being called filthy names, or are being dehumanized with violent words. But sometimes the abuse is more insidious than that. Sometimes the weapons used are masked in what seems to be harmlessness.

Guilt is a form of emotional blackmail used by manipulative personalities in an effort to gain control over another. Manipulators tend to use phrases like, “you should have…how could you…what were you thinking…what about me….you should never have…I would have never done that”, and so on. Their intent is not aimed at clearing the air between he and the person he is dealing with. Instead his intent is to cause the person he is dealing with to doubt their own feelings.

There are various forms of emotional abuse. They range from blatant violent language, to the use of guilt as a weapon and also might include withdrawing techniques. In most situations it would seem that the person who is doing the most talking in a conversation is the one controlling it. But not always. In some cases it is the quiet one who is using a shut down and take the ball home technique called withdrawing that is attempting to manipulate the other.

The ability to directly and honestly communicate with another is a life skill that sometimes takes a lifetime to learn. Sadly many of us have been conditioned since childhood to find alternative ways to get our emotional and psychological needs met. As children we learn to whine, yell, guilt and even sulk to get our way. Unfortunately many adults never move past these forms of communication, and instead revert to them when faced with a situation or person they cannot control.

The goal is to learn to first be honest with ones self. If you use these immature tactics to get your needs met or to simply get your way, accept it and then change the way you relate to others and your self. If you find others using these types of techniques on you, you do them and the world a huge favor by pointing it out so that they might have a chance to grow as well.

In some serious cases, the abuser we are involved with does not want to change. And as we continue to want more from ourselves we expect more from others.

As one of the two players involved begins to wake up, the gap between the two involved grows wider, as one stays stuck and the other refuses to not move forward. When this gap begins to widen, havoc begins to appear. Because the rules by which the two have been living are changing, fear of the unknown often brings to the surface anxiety and anger.

I am an emotional abuse survivor and know this scenario all too personally. I am here to inspire those going through what I did by telling my truth. It gets better. It always gets worse before it gets better, but it does get better.

The road home starts with you. One dose of self awareness at a time. Eventually the lights in your mind turn on and the boundaries that have been crossed begin to get clear. In time learning to hold onto ones self gets easier.

If you are the victim of emotional abuse or if you emotionally abuse others, life can change. But if you can’t see it, you can’t change it. My hope is that by spreading the word, true change is possible for us all.

Lisa A. Champion-Romano is a Holistic Personal Trainer, Self Esteem Coach, Specialist in Performance in Nutrition, and freelance author. 90 plus internet articles to date have been published, as well as three articles published in a local newspaper. Lisa also supports her own website, as well as blogs. In her free time, Lisa is a guest speaker at high schools, girl scouts and women’s clubs. She has recently completed her first book, and has now begun writing children’s stories.

http://healingselfesteem.blogspot.com

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What Happy Working Mothers Know – A Review

March 22, 2010 By 2 Comments

happyworkingmothersBy Irene Conlan -

We needed this book. Cathy Greenberg and Barrett Avigdore have done a fantastic job of providing it in a way that is neither condescending nor insulting.  They state “Our goal is to give you the tools to engage your whole brain, help you develop awareness, and learn to perform at your best every day.” This is neither a “we have an ax to grind” book nor a “let’s make the best of a bad situation” book. Rather it is a “User’s Manual” for women in the work force based on the new science of Positive Psychology. It addresses the issues facing “Working mothers” in a positive, constructive way. (I must admit , though, that I find the term “working mother” an  oxymoron – is there such a thing as a mother who doesn’t work? Motherhood takes more energy, more creativity and more abilities than any job I know.) This book addresses head on how you fill the role of mother, happily hold down a job and be true to yourself as a human being.

The authors found a nice balance between presenting information, illustrating the topic with examples from “real life” women, and offering exercises that allow you to come to your own conclusions about what you need for you. I found it refreshing that the authors do not try to tell you what to think, what to believe or how to act. Rather they present the issue and help you work your way to a solution that works best for you.

This book address such issues as learning to love yourself, dealing with guilt, forgiveness, gender differences, letting go of the “perfect mother” syndrome and what happens to the children when you work – or when you don’t work. Every mother, whether she’s in the work force or not, should read the chapter on guilt and do all the exercises over and over until she “gets it” and lets go of the guilt that lurks overtly or covertly within her.

I love the “self awareness” exercises in this book. Each chapter has its “self coaching breaks” and “Bottom Line Exercises” that help you apply the concepts to your own life in your own way! If the reader takes these seriously and does them thoughtfully, she will be light years ahead by the time she finishes the last exercise.

This book should be widely read by men as well as women. They need to understand the tremendous talent and ability women bring to both the home and the workplace and they need to be open to finding their own happiness. As a society we haven’t thought much about happiness – especially on the job – and it’s time we did.

In addition, every girl in her teens should have access to the questions and exercises in this book so she can transition into the workforce with much more ease and grace than those of us from the “dark ages” have done. A career choice based on self awareness and the principles of happiness will make a significant difference in the lives of women entering the work place and motherhood in the years to come.

The authors sum it up in the last chapter when they write, “If we follow our dreams, pursue our goals, live our values, and love ourselves as we are, everyone wins. Our children and families win because we are happier and less stressed, our fellow workers and our companies win because we are more productive and creative. When you are happy, you are the best version of you. Happiness is the tide that lifts all the boats in your life.”

What Happy Working Mothers Know: How New Findings in Positive Psychology Can Lead to a Healthy and Happy Work/Life Balance. Cathy L. Greenberg, Ph.D. and Barrett S. Avigdor, J.D., ew Jersey: John Wiley and Sons, 2009.

I highly recommend this book.

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Do you play the blame game?

January 26, 2010 By 2 Comments

blame200By Irene Conlan -

Have you heard the saying, “When you point your finger at someone else, three fingers are pointing back at you?” I really don’t like these kind of sayings, but pay attention to this one. Translated, it means when you are busy blaming someone else  you probably have the same problem. The faults you point out in others are often residing in yourself – this is called mirroring. If you want a good look at yourself, take some time to think about what you complain about in others.

For example, you may say, “I just can’t stand so-and-so because she is such a gossip!” Excuse me! Isn’t that what you just did? (“But it’s true,” you think. “She IS a gossip.”  But isn’t this still gossip?) Or you may say, “Jane is such a complainer. She is  never satisfied with anything or anyone. She makes me tired just to be around her.” Hello! Aren’t you complaining?  And then there’s Joe. “Joe blames everyone else for his losses and he’s so negative. No wonder I’m depressed” you say. ” Being around Joe is a downer.” Say What? Aren’t you responsible for your reaction to Joe? No biggies here -  only little things that rob you of your energy and keep you from being honest with yourself.  If we are serious about self improvement, don’t we need to pay attention to the “small stuff?”  Self improvement begins with self awareness and that’s what this is about.

These are little ways we shift the attention and, possibly blame, from ourselves to others or to circumstances for any number of reasons: to make ourselves look good, to avoid punishment or retaliation,  etc. Blame is an insidious thing – it creeps up on you and you find yourself blaming others rather than taking responsibility for what you did or didn’t do. Hear Flip Wilson saying, “The Devil made me do it” and laugh. Hear yourself saying “It wasn’t my fault. My wife wouldn’t let me . . . and it isn’t so funny. Most of our excuses are about as good as a child telling the teacher, “The dog ate my homework.”

So what? Everybody does it.

That’s true. We’re all human. But you are a human who wants to do better, feel better, be better. Right?

I’m not asking you to get all stressed out over it. I’m just suggesting that you become aware of what you are doing when you make excuses and shift the blame for your actions or lack of action onto someone else. We aren’t striving for perfection here but we are trying to understand what makes us tick and what makes us do the things we do.

If you find yourself making excuses and passing the blame on a frequent basis. you need to take a look at it and ask yourself why? Blame  is a coping mechanism. Why do you need it in this circumstance?

What is it in me that needs to pass blame, even for small things, onto someone else?

What would happen if I simply told the truth?  Why not try it out and see what happens.

Irene Conlan has a Masters degree in nursing and a Ph.D. in Metaphysics. She is also a certified hypnotherapist and blogger to The Self Improvement Blog. http://www.theselfimprovementblog.com.

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Why It’s Not Selfish to Make Yourself Happy

October 16, 2008 By Leave a Comment

By Dan Goodwin -

As a Creativity Coach, one of the reasons I hear most often as to why people don’t spend more time creating is: “There are so many other demands on my time, so much to do! How can I ignore them and do something as selfish and self indulgent as my own artwork?” [Read more...]

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Jumping 3 Hurdles to Happiness

July 10, 2008 By Leave a Comment

By Irene Conlan -

So you’re preparing for the olympics – the happiness olympics – and your event is the hurdles. You have to jump over a bunch of them to reach the goal and carry off the gold medal of happiness. (I can’t believe I wrote that – but you get the idea even if it is a bid smalltzy).

There are many hurdles to individual happiness and, self imposed as they may be, they are still real. Today I want to look at three of them: teachings, self worth, and guilt. When those three hurdles are jumped and we cross the finish line, we can begin to feel the happiness that has been within each of us all along. So let’s take a brief look at each. [Read more...]

Filed Under: Happiness, Irene's Articles, Self Esteem, Self Improvement Tagged With: , , ,

The Psychology of Guilt

June 9, 2008 By Leave a Comment

By Mark I Myhre http://ezinearticles.com/?expert=Mark_I_Myhre

Guilt exists as a fabricated emotion. It holds little or no realness. It’s hard to call it a real emotion.

You see, a real emotion is one that has both a positive and a negative side.

Love, fear, hate, anger, sadness, happiness and so many other emotions all have both a positive and a negative component. Not guilt.

Guilt is all negative. It adds nothing to your existence. [Read more...]

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