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Intelligent, But Not Wise – Why Some Leaders Are Failing

January 17, 2012 By 1 Comment

By Peter Vajda, Ph.D

“Wisdom is the right use of knowledge. To know is not to be wise. Many men know a great deal, and are all the greater fools for it. There is no fool so great a fool as a knowing fool. But to know how to use knowledge is to have wisdom.” – Charles Haddon Spurgeon

 While many have lost their way due to egregious moral and ethical missteps, just as many are facing a dead end due to their inability to see the big picture from a higher not-so-common perspective. Many of these leaders are intelligent, but, unfortunately, not wise.

“We thought, because we had power, we had wisdom.” Stephen Vincent Benet

Our minds work on two levels – a lower level and a higher level. The lower level deals with the concrete – our immediate physical environment and reality, information, facts and logic. Accessing the lower mind, we move through our day as aware, conceptual and reflective. Our lower mind is rational, analytical, opinionated, busy and most often skeptical. It is bound by time and space. We use our lower mind to make sense of our complicated and emotional world. The lower mind is the stuff of MBAs, business school and “operations-focused” education and experiential learning.

“Wisdom is what’s left after we’ve run out of personal opinions.” – Cullen Hightower

The lower mind brings one to reductionist thinking and mechanistic, conventional approaches to life and living. The main drawback of living in one’s lower mind consistently is that the lower mind represents one’s internal map of reality. It’s like being stuck in your own intellectual zip code, never moving beyond your nine-digit thoughts, beliefs, assumptions, expectations, worldviews, premises, etc. It’s like living in one town, knowing it completely, and never venturing outside the borders of that town. Intelligent leaders are usually engaged with their lower mind, and, relatedly, left-brain thinking. The lower mind focuses on the corner of the painting. Wisdom does not arise from this place.

The higher mind deals with the abstract, that accesses intuition, aspiration, heart, soul and spirit. Our higher mind connects with the Universal mind, the impersonal and abstract realms and with Universal truth, beauty and goodness. Our higher mind speaks in the language of ideas, ideals, symbols, principles, archetypes and impulses. It is intuitive, and guides us to the truth. It is loving and universal. The higher mind see the threads woven between the mental, physical, emotional, spiritual, psychological, environmental and social aspects of our life. The higher mind see the entire painting – the place where wisdom arises.

“Our own physical body possesses a wisdom which we who inhabit the body lack.” – Henry Miller

Wise leaders live their actuality and their potential – accessing both their lower and higher minds. Wise leaders understand they are spiritual beings living in a human form and allow their lower minds to access their higher. Allowing their higher mind supports the wise leader to access intuition and impressions that give one insights into the larger picture of life. Wise leaders understand the importance of focus, presence, self-discipline, meditation, study, loving service and creative expression. They seem to consistently seek to grasp the next higher level of awareness. They venture outside their historical map of reality – willing to jettison their old, “safe” beliefs, assumptions, expectations, worldviews, etc., and explore the possible and the unknown. They’re open to knowing what they don’t know.

Wise leaders understand that spiritual and personal growth means connecting with higher concepts and energies such as values, ideas, ideals, potentials, archetypes, higher guidance and intuition. The wise leader develops the capacity to not only connect with these higher concepts, but, as importantly, seek to ground them into forms, tasks, projects, relationships, and details, etc., that inform the way they lead in their day-to-day life at work. Wise leaders don’t stop with experience, but transcend experience, both their own and others’, in a way that they spend an appreciative amount of time and energy in deep self-reflection and thoughtful consideration around their experience, leading to higher insights, enhanced value and a deeper sense of self-awareness.

“We don’t receive wisdom; we must discover it for ourselves after a journey that no one can take for us or spare us.” – Marcel Proust

Wise leadership is not about having experiences, but consciously learning from those experiences. The process of learning from experience engages one in a process of inquiry – looking with curiosity, not judgment, into the who, what, when, where, how and, most importantly, the why of their experiences. Inquiry is a matter of punctuation; it’s about question marks, not periods. Curiosity.

Wise leaders understand the connection between diverse, and seemingly disconnected, elements to create something new. Wise leaders are adept at using analogy and metaphor and seek to recognize patterns, spot trends, draw connections and discern the big picture even when, at first glance, there seem to be nothing there. A wise leader interacts with her world in terms of a richer and more varied spectrum of possibilities and opportunities. A wise leader understands the importance of relationships, human and otherwise. A wise leader is a systems thinker, a gestalt thinker a holistic thinker. Wise leaders are comfortable being oriented to their right brain, as well as to their heart and soul.

Inquiry, for the wise leader, is not about “futurizing the past” – using their past experiences, the known, the tried and true to explain present experiences that are un-common, un-usual, un-familiar. Inquiry involves delving deeply into the self, even parts of the self that, heretofore, might have been unknown, in order to search for new insights, perspectives and understanding – seeking familiarity with the unknown.

“To make no mistakes is not in the power of man; but from their errors and mistakes the wise and good learn wisdom for the future.” – Plutarch

Inquiry means creating an internal space, a space unencumbered by one’s old thoughts, beliefs, premises, stories, worldviews, solutions, etc. – a clear, inviting and open space and entering into a fresh “new” realm, without preconception or expectation, to be informed with new learning, new sense, new meaning, new WHYs and new HOWs, i.e., new clarity – new wisdom.

Many intelligent leaders don’t know they aren’t wise. Here are some indications to help them see where there’s room for wisdom-making:

They are task-oriented and focused on short-term gains, i.e, the corner of the painting, and often fail to step back and view the painting from 25 miles out – the painting being their respective business and their respective profession/industry.

They choose to limit alternatives when engaged in analysis. They fear ambiguity and are closed to myriad possibilities and perspectives; they fear the unknown and taking risks. They buckle under stress and tend to back away from challenges.

They are linear thinkers and feel they must be rational and logical. They are unable or unwilling to allow their “gut” or intuition to inform their decision-making process.

They can’t or won’t act “for the common good” when they are faced with conflict between or among multiple parties, or differing priorities. They refuse to consider “right action” or the well-being of the group, team or community in favor of relying on the conventional or prevailing attitude or perspective, or their own personal goals.

They have no deep sense of self-awareness, and lack spiritual and emotional intelligence. They focus on their strengths, deny their weaknesses and never allow their emotions to surface.

They lack a people-orientation. They can’t be bothered making an effort to see others from a personal (as opposed to a functional) perspective. They don’t know how to, or are unwilling to, deal with others’ emotions, or emotional well-being. Relationship building is not their forte, by choice.
They lack harmony – there is no alignment or congruence between what they think, feel, say and do.

“Not by age but by capacity is wisdom acquired. Where is the wisdom we have lost in knowledge? Where is the knowledge we have lost in information?” – T. S. Eliot

When we reflect and contemplate from a deeper level, when we choose to “go inside” and honestly, sincerely and self-responsibly ask ourselves if our stories are true, we are using our higher mind and engaging the wisdom of our heart and soul. Relying on our heart and soul’s inner wisdom and intelligence open us up to new ways of seeing, do-ing and be-ing – discovering and exploring new territory and new maps of reality, new zip codes – supporting us to understand and deal with today’s uncommon challenges in new ways.

Using one’s higher mind is what will support today’s intelligent leaders to become tomorrow’s wise leaders.

So, our $10 food for thought questions are:

Would you characterize yourself as largely “left-brained?” What would others say about you?
Do you consider yourself “emotionally intelligent?” On a scale of 1-10, how emotionally intelligent are you? What would your close friends and co-workers say? Would you feel comfortable asking them? If not, why not?
Is your organization using its “higher mind” as it considers strategies to deal with future challenges?
Do you consider your leaders to be “wise?” How about you? Are you a “wise” soul? How do you know?
What was your experience of “wisdom” as you were growing up? Was engaging with the “unknown” a way of being, or were you encouraged to engage with life in a safe and secure mode?
How often do you take time to seriously and deeply reflect on your life’s experiences?
Would you say you are a “task-oriented” or “people-oriented” person at work? How about at home? Would others agree?
Would you generally rather be right or happy? Why?
How do you deal with the unknown?
Can you envision a world at work where people are regularly encouraged to take time out for meditation, self-reflection and discovery?

“The best mind might be the wisest mind if it were a mind alone that produces wisdom.” (anonymous)

—ABOUT THE AUTHOR—

Peter Vajda, Ph.D, C.P.C. is a founding partner of SpiritHeart, an Atlanta-based company that supports conscious living through coaching and counseling. With a practice based on the dynamic intersection of mind, body, emotion and spirit, Peter’s ‘whole person’ coaching approach supports deep and sustainable change and transformation.

Peter facilitates and guides leaders and managers, individuals in their personal and work life, partners and couples, groups and teams to move to new levels of self-awareness, enhancing their ability to show up authentically and with a heightened sense of well be-ing, inner harmony and interpersonal effectiveness as they live their lives at work, at home, at play and in relationship.

Peter is a professional speaker and published author. For more information: http://www.spiritheart.net, or pvajda@spiritheart.net, or phone 770.804.9125.

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Empower Yourself to Try New Things

July 9, 2011 By Leave a Comment

By Debra J. Slover -

Are you stuck in a rut, want the courage to try new things, and don’t know how?

Contrary to what it may feel like when you are in a rut, the power lies within to make a change. Even if, you’ve been doing the same thing for your entire life and now want to go in a different direction, it’s your choice. You have the power to do what you want to do, if you are willing to take responsibility for your power or lack thereof. It’s important to try new things to have a quality of life; even if it’s just a new haircut.

Don’t get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with routine, but there is a difference between contented routine and feeling stuck in a rut. It’s all about your perception, and since the only reality is your perception, that’s what matters most. Sure, it’s okay to consider how your choices affect others, but that doesn’t mean you should not make a change. Just give any change some serious thought by weighing the options and determining how it impacts you and them before you choose. Once you choose stick to it. Too often people let others dissuade them from making change they know is right for them.

One thing that can help you know it’s okay to try new things is to realize that the happier you are in your life, the happier others will be around you. If you’re feeling stuck, and out of sorts, and even miserable, the misery will rub off on others. It’s best to figure out how to add newness to your life, restore your passion, and live your true purpose and aim.

Fear of change can be traced to fear of death, harm, or some sort of pain that is “death like.” If you can rationalize that you’re not likely to die from one of the changes you want to make, and you’re not likely to be harmed or experience pain that you cannot handle, you may be able to get to a place of empowerment. No one said it would be easy, but change begins by learning how think about something newly.

Remember, that most change will bring joy into your life — eventually. How many times have you tried something new that wasn’t that great, but it led to something else wonderful and awesome in your life? How many people have taken a leap of faith toward something new and now cannot imagine their life back the old way? Most successful people, if you ask them right now if they’d change anything they’ve ever done in their life, they’ll say no. Even if the things they’ve gone through are horrific. They know there is a lesson in everything to help you learn and grow.

So, take the leap, start small, and before you know it, change will be your friend.

Award winning author, Debra J. Slover’s leadership expertise stems from 18 years directing a state youth services program, experience organizing 20 state and national conferences, and running her own consulting firm for over six years. Her website is http://www.leadershipgardenlegacy.com

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Leadership is Dead: How Influence is Reviving It

June 1, 2011 By Leave a Comment

Leadership is Dead: How Influence is Reviving It. Jeremie Kubicek, Howard Books, N.Y. 2011.

Leadership didn’t just die a natural death. Leadership, as we have known it, was murdered in cold blood by those who subscribe to the “me first,” “my way or the highway,” and “greed and power above all else” philosophies that we have often found in contemporary leaders in business, religion, education, politics and public service – in all areas of society, actually.  Ask almost anyone you meet the question, “Who do you see as a true leader in any area of our country today,” and they will give you a blank look, a shrug of the shoulders and a mumbled, “I am not aware of any” response. It makes me think of the story of Diogenes who is reported to have gone through the cities in the daytime with a lighted lamp searching for an honest man.  He found none.

Jeremy  Kubicek, has written about being a fully alive (yes, awakened) human being as much as he has written about leadership, and his views on leadership are not those generally found in textbooks on management and management styles.

This book is a paradigm changer, and those who belong to the “old school” of leadership will definitely not like it – all the more reason why everyone should read it.  “Do it my way or the highway” will disappear and not a moment too soon if principles of this book are understood and adopted.

Imagine working for a company that lived by these principles:

  • Give trust to become trustworthy
  • Become credible not just smart
  • Be intentional in your influence
  • Break through your walls of self preservation
  • Pursue relationship before opportunity
  • Give yourself away
  • Become significant in your impact

Imagine electing to The US Senate or House of Representatives men and women who took and lived by an oath to become trustworthy and credible.   What about CEOs of major corporations who lived by the creed of being significant in their impact for good. Imagine a manufacturer who gave up the practice of “planned obsolescence” for building things that last for the good of the consumer – who broke through the walls of personal and corporate self preservation to do what was good, honest and best for the customer.

Not long ago I head a major political figure defends himself for not doing something because it was promised in the campaign and those promises don’t count. Really? I also heard a manufacturer defend why he was putting less quality and quantity in his product, charging a higher price and trying to keep those actions unnoticed. Leaders of churches who send the message, “Do as I preach and not as I do,” are also being singled out for criticism and are losing their followers at an alarming rate. Heads of large charitable institutions who receive six figure salaries are also causing contributions to diminish as “givers” begin to give directly to their cause or person-in-need knowing that the money goes to the cause and not to its administration. (The recent very popular reality show Secret Millionaire certainly made this point).

These and more actions and attitudes like them killed leadership. Requiescat in pace!

The time is right for influencing with integrity. The time is right for this book. I recommend that it be read in the schools, in the corporations, in the halls of government, in the boardrooms and in committees and subcommittees everywhere. It is the way of the future and Kubicek has shown us the roadmap.

Jeremie Kubicek is the guest on this weeks The Self Improvement Show which airs on Thursday, June 2 at 12 noon PDT. To Listen, Click Here



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February 23, 2011 – Leadership

February 23, 2011 By Leave a Comment

Leadership brings change. Change is inevitable; growth is optional. To grow as a leader, whether as an individual, team or organization, you must therefore change. That change must begin with you. Leadership starts from within you.

~ Richard Norris

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What is Self-Leadership?

February 22, 2011 By Leave a Comment

By Paul Kearley -

If we can’t be disciplined enough to resist a chocolate bar, how can we be disciplined enough to create the life we want?

Blog entry November 18, 2006: “Have you ever wondered if what you were doing was what you were intended to be doing with your life? Have you ever lain awake in the middle of the night and wondered this very thing? “What am I here for?”, “Why do I not enjoy my job like I used to?”, “Am I living a lie?”, “Is there a better way to live than with the high stress of trying to please everybody?”

There have been days lately that I have wondered some of those very same things. Oh, I know that whatever I am supposed to be doing is with and around coaching people, but it may not be in the way that I am currently doing it. I have this… call it a “feeling”, or a “knowing” that there is much more that I should be doing with my life, but I also, again, “feel” or “know” that it is not time yet. I can tell you that as sure as I can feel my fingers on these keys. I have more to learn yet before I can rise to another level of leading people: it’s not like a physical road sign in the middle of the road telling me my direction, it’s more of a “spiritual” one. I don’t know how I know, I just know, and the fact that I know it and it’s not happening as fast as I would like it to happen has really been eating away at me lately. I have been crabby, I have been grumpy, I have been evasive and I have done some really stupid things because of inattention and this inner turmoil. Many nights I go to bed thinking that I just wasted another day that I could have used to further my skills and abilities to get me out of the rut, but I did nothing.”

Then this morning, I woke up in peace. I haven’t awoken in this positive state of mind in a long time now, and it felt good: So good that I wanted to make sure that I wrote it down. I awoke with a sense of hope, faith and confidence that really feels good! I had a night full of dreams, but one that stands out was of me leading a group of people out of a dark cave into a very bright and safe place. In the dream, I felt and knew how important the mission was, and I knew that I had been chosen to lead them out. Then, after we were all in safety, I heard a voice speaking to me saying: “I have other important work for you to do that I am preparing you for, but you are not yet ready. You have much more to learn. How can you lead my people if you cannot yet lead yourself? This is what I will have you learn now.” I woke up with a start after I heard those words, shaking and excited and ready to start learning. I now feel that the hard time that I have been going through in the last while is my “walk in the desert”. How long or how wide this desert is, I do not know, but I am committed to making it across and learning whatever it is that I MUST learn to move to the next phase of my life. I see this journey almost as a test that I must prepare for, yet I don’t know what I must prepare. All I know is that I must be ready to go and not look back. What I am in search of is “Self Leadership”, what I hope to find is myself.

As I have been thinking about this all weekend, I have come up with 16 principles that answer what I believe to be this Self Leadership question.

What is Self Leadership:

1. It is giving our very best to whatever we do.

2. It is believing ourselves worthy to be the best..

3. It is focusing on being excellent, and not stopping until we are… which should be never!.

4. It is fulfilling the excellent use of our gifts and talents.

5. It is living in and operating in the truth, and being honest enough to ourselves to recognize it. .

6. It is living confidently and in a way that says “I refuse to fail”, and not quitting if we do..

7. It is recognizing that striving IS succeeding. .

8. It is recognizing that we all have limits, and that we accept them for what they are and having the mindset to strive to improve on them..

9. It is not making excuses for our mistakes and perceived limits. .

10. It is not settling for status quo..

11. It is being secure enough in our own abilities to not have to prove ourselves to get recognition..

12. It is being confident enough in our own abilities to lead others without asking for anything in return..

13. It is seeing the positive in people and situations..

14. It is not being threatened by the abilities or thoughts of others..

15. It is willing to voice our opinions in the face of adversity..

16. It is the commitment to do the right things… always..

Making a commitment to yourself is very hard to do. It is much more difficult than making a commitment to someone else because they can be there to keep you accountable. But when we make the commitment to ourselves, we are the person who must hold ourselves accountable… no matter what. This is where our discipline is paramount. To do this, make it a public commitment. Speak it out loud to people whom you trust and respect and ask them to hold your toes in the fire: Doing this will create results much faster than just trying to do it alone.

This week, why not take your own journey towards Self~Leadership? When you can succeed at all of the principles that were outlined above, then you will be placing yourself up for promotion in your most important area: your life.

May you have all of the success that you can handle this week.

For 22 years, Paul Kearley has thrived in the personal development and coaching business. As a Master Coach for the past 10 years, Paul’s passion is in developing and creating increased potential with both clients and other trainers.

A columnist for two newspapers in Eastern Canada, and editor for his own weekly ezine, Paul writes articles that address the everyday challenges we all have and face in life and in business, and offers suggestions for success.

If you’d like to connect with Paul to discuss your personal or business strategies or to subscribe to “E-Motion” his weekly newsletter , simply send an e-mail to carnegie@nbnet.nb.ca, visit http://www.mustthinking.com or call 506 433 4722.

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LISTEN NOW to Richard Norris Talking About Self Leadership

February 20, 2011 By Leave a Comment

Richard Norris, an acclaimed author, speaker and leadership coach will challenge some ideas long held about leadership and will discuss how you can make the transition from “boss” to leader. He will draw from his vast experience with both success and failure to give you “inside information” on why some leaders fail and others succeed. He will talk about what makes a peak performer and  explain what F.A.I.L.U.R.E. really means.  Would you like to know how to choose a leadership/success coach that is right for you?  Are you truly interested in success? Then you don’t want to miss this show.

To  Listen CLICK HERE

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Take Time To Say Thanks

February 18, 2011 By Leave a Comment

By Richard Brody -

Each of us have eighty six thousand four hundred (86,400) seconds in our days, which means that we have nearly 60,000 seconds during our waking hours of a day. I have often told groups that I give seminars to that while both the successful and less successful individual each have the same twenty four (24) hours in their day, obviously they don’t use the time in the same manner. However, one thing that comes to mind that too many of us all too often neglect doing is thanking others for their help or their efforts. It only takes one of those seconds to say, “Thanks.”

The success or lack of success of leaders is dependent on numerous factors. One of the most essential ingredients to being successful and accomplishing one’s goals, thus achieving at least part of one’s vision for his term of office, is dependent on the efforts of others. Human nature is such that most people, although they often will not publicly admit it, want to be appreciated, and do not want their efforts “taken for granted.” When a leaders says a sincere “Thanks,” it often offers the additional motivation for this volunteer to continue his efforts. That in turn, if done repeatedly by leaders, often is the difference between creating a reliable force of volunteers and a disenfranchised group. While giving both leadership training, as well as Self Improvement, training seminars for the last three plus decades, I have often heard someone say that a leadership position is a “thankless” job. If a leader can recognize the fact that he doesn’t receive the thanks that would make him feel better, he should learn from that, others also like to be thanked.

However, the “Thanks” must be a sincere showing and not just another ritual. When you say thanks to someone sincerely, they can almost always recognize the difference between the recognition of efforts being sincere or merely another phony, political gesture. Saying “Thanks” should not be simply a gesture, but an important mindset that leaders fall into. Leaders need volunteers to buy into their vision, and they need to motivate others. The only way that someone can ever remain motivated is to feel needed, wanted and appreciated.

Perhaps the biggest obstacle to this happening, however, is that most individuals in leadership positions unfortunately do not develop a vision or compelling reason for others to take important or necessary actions for the betterment of the organization. While saying thanks may be a small gesture, it is certainly a meaningful one when sincere!

Richard Brody has over 30 years consultative sales, marketing, training, managerial, and operations experience. He has trained sales and marketing people in numerous industries, given hundreds of seminars, appeared as a company spokesperson on over 200 radio and television programs, and regularly blogs on real estate, politics, economics, management, leadership, negotiations, conferences and conventions, etc. Richard has negotiated, arranged and/ or organized hundreds of conferences and conventions. Richard is a Senior Consultant with RGB Consultation Services, an Ecobroker, a Licensed Buyers Agent (LBA) and Licensed Salesperson in NYS, in real estate. Richard Brody has owned businesses, been a Chief Operating Officer, a Chief Executive Officer, and a Director of Development, as well as a consultant. Richard has a Consulting Website ( http://tinyurl.com/rgbcons ); a blog ( http://tinyurl.com/rgbstake ); and can be followed on Twitter.

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Leverage Your Best – Forget the Rest

November 15, 2010 By 1 Comment

By Lynn Banis -

We are always talking about improving our weaknesses. Why? So we can have better weaknesses? There is very little chance they will turn into strengths so why not focus on honing our strengths and managing our weaknesses? Most of us are not motivated to do the stuff we are bad at anyway.

We are all wired differently and we all have different gifts. It makes much more sense to focus on the things we are gifted in – that is what we have to give the world. Instead we spend so much time, effort and money on trying to make people something they aren’t. There is a real fallacy in the notion that we can be anything we want to be. That just is not true. I cannot be a professional basketball player if I don’t have the body, the skill set and the right mindset – no matter how much I want it. So lets get real here.

It is time that we celebrate what each individual has and leverage those strengths for the good of everyone. One reason we have teams is so that the different skills can come together to make the whole group better than the individuals in the team. The same is true of families and various other groups. Embracing differences gives each of us something we do not have on our own. I am not a concert pianist but I can certainly enjoy the skills of someone who is. You may not be a speaker but perhaps you can write speeches for someone who is.

Part of the reason there is so much stress and anxiety in our culture is that we think we have to be all things to all people and that we have to do everything we try well. Let’s take some of the unrealistic stress off. Look at what we have done to our children. Their days are programmed down to the last minute with this lesson and that lesson, with this practice and that practice, with this club and that club. Oh, and don’t forget time to have a job and do homework. All that counts on the college application after all. When do we have time to live?

If we focused more on the real value and skills we have to offer we would be able to feel more in control and live more productive lives. We would not feel so out of balance and we would not feel we have to strive so hard to be good at everything. Let’s learn to value our strengths and those of other people and then learn how to leverage each others’ strengths for the good of everyone. Who is going to get off this crazy merry-go-round and help us take a broader perspective on life?

About the Author:

Lynn Banis PhD, MCC is known as America’s High Performance Coach. She specializes in helping executives and entrepreneurs make the most of their opportunities and potential. Her years of working with small and large businesses has given her a depth of knowledge that is invaluable to her clients. You can reach her at http://www.discoverypointcoaching.com or lynn@discoverypointcoaching.com. Also check out Lynn’s other businesses: Coach Academy Texas, a cutting edge coach training company; and Turnkey Coaching Solutions, a coaching program management and contract coach staffing company.

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On Being Authentic

October 9, 2010 By Leave a Comment

By Paul Kearley -

To be or not to be: that IS the question.

I was in a bit of a pickle. I had a heat resistant mat that I needed to put under my woodstove before I could use it, but there was no way that I could put it there myself. In order to do that I would have to lift the woodstove, slide the pad in to the exact place and then lower the 400 pound woodstove down gently so as to not dent the pad or the floor.

I sat at my kitchen table trying to think of the biggest, strongest people I knew that could help me, and hope that they were available at that time. Then I thought, I know, I’ll call Neville! He knows everyone, and he may be able to help too! True to Neville’s form, he knew someone who could help me… himself and his son Josiah.

So, here we were in my dining room, Neville and I on each side of the woodstove, Josiah in front ready to push the pad in, “OK” I said, “On three. One… two… three… lift!” “hnnnngggggghhhh…” I groaned “it’s no use” I said, as I tried, to no avail to lift my side off the floor, while Neville’s side easily rose to 8 to 10 inches, “I can’t lift this!” I whined. “There has to be a better way!”

“I know” I said, “I’ll just make a fulcrum, and then I’ll be able to do it”

Off I ran to get the material that I needed. I returned less than 5 minutes later and started to set it all up. All the while that I was preparing, Josiah was laughing and giggling at me, and Neville was just standing there looking at me with this very innocent face.

“What’s so funny?” I asked? Josiah looked at the woodstove, then looked at me and said “It’s done.” “What is?” I asked. Then I looked down and saw it. The pad was already under the woodstove and in place. While I was out getting the material for my “science experiment”, Neville had lifted the 400 pound stove by his own brute strength, and Josiah had maneuvered the pad into place. I stood there dumbfounded. “How in the world did you do that?” I stammered, shocked and amazed that he had the strength to do it. “That’s impossible.” “No it isn’t” Neville said, you just have to lift low and close to it, and it’s easy”.

I have never felt so inadequate in all my days. At that moment I felt like that skinny guy that used to be in all the old comic books. You know the one where this skinny guy is on the beach, and the big strong guy comes by and kicks sand in his face and takes his girl. Don’t get me wrong, I was extremely grateful that he could help me, and I was totally in awe of his strength, I just felt like a weak wimp. Actually, I think it was more embarrassment than anything else that was getting to me. I always thought that I was in good shape, I mean, I usually run about 35 Kilometers a week, but I guess I’m not. The more I thought about it, the more inadequate I felt. I just wanted to be stronger so that I could at least lift my half of the 400+ pounds.

Have you ever felt inadequate when you compared yourself to others? Like you just didn’t measure up to your own expectations, and you pretended to be someone who you weren’t? We are all sometimes intimidated by other people’s abilities like confidence, communications skills, knowledge or even their looks. This desire to “be like them” drives us to do rash things to our bodies and sometimes to our relationships. What is this need that we sometimes seem to have to compare ourselves to others and wish we had what they had? How many times have we heard about some young teen girl who became anorexic, just to look like someone that she saw in a magazine, or another person who joined a gang, just to fit in, or another person who took up drinking or doing drugs, just to be accepted?

Of course, we all want to be accepted, and often we will do things that we wouldn’t normally do, just to get that recognition, but after it is all over, we are still the same person who stares back in the mirror, with our own quiver full of strengths and weaknesses… no more, no less. And wishing ourselves into another character or strength will not create them. We may wish that we were smarter, we may wish that we were better looking, or we may even wish that we were stronger, but we are what we are, and no amount of wishing will change that: actions will do a lot of it, but wishing won’t. We must learn to be authentic.

To be truly happy in life means accepting who you are, and what you have to offer. Much has been written on the importance of being yourself, or being authentic, but it all comes down to your decisions in life. I love what Chuck Swindoll said about this:

1. Know who you are.

2. Accept who you are.

3. Be who you are.

I would go further and add first, “Learn who you are”.

This week, dare to learn who you are so that you can be the most authentic person that you can be. Only then can you be truly happy.

Make this your best week ever.

Paul

For 22 years, Paul Kearley has thrived in the personal development and coaching business. As a Master Coach for the past 10 years, Paul’s passion is in developing and creating increased potential with both clients and other trainers. A columnist for two newspapers in Eastern Canada, and editor for his own weekly ezine, Paul writes articles that address the everyday challenges we all have and face in life and in business, and offers suggestions for success.

If you’d like to connect with Paul to discuss your personal or business strategies or to subscribe to “E-Motion” , simply send an e-mail to carnegie@nbnet.nb.ca, visit http://www.mustthinking.com or call 506 433 4722.

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Six Keys to Self-Confidence

October 7, 2010 By Leave a Comment

By Terry Wisner -

A young lady approached me after a recent customer service seminar and expressed a need to improve her self-confidence. She believed her career prospects were limited by her personal insecurity. Furthermore, she asked if the Partnering Process would work for her. As those of you who are regular readers of this publication know, Partnering can help any two people become more successful at whatever they want to do. The good thing is that she is aware she needs to improve and has the desire to improve. So I, of course, told her to use the process and focus her plan on these keys to enhancing self-confidence.

Leave the past behind. Don’t get hung-up on past failures and disappointments. Often people rehash past failures and predict they will fail again. The question everyone needs to answer is: What would I do if I knew I couldn’t fail? A person cannot redo what they did yesterday, however, they can change what they will do tomorrow.

Remember the wins. As people progress towards their personal improvement goals, they need to look at the little successes and celebrate them. Obstacles will impede progress, as they are overcome, they will encourage greater confidence. It’s a good idea to keep a daily journal of accomplishments to visit when it feels like little progress has been achieved. It is experience, both good and bad, that builds confidence.

Gain knowledge. One of the best ways to bolster confidence is to equip oneself with knowledge. The more knowledge acquired… the stronger the self-confidence. Learn more about the profession you have chosen, more about your company’s products and services, more about the people that surround you, more about your customers, and more about people in general.

Hang with the eagles. It’s probably easier to soar like an eagle when surrounded by nothing but turkeys. However, if a person spends time with people that are more confident than they are, it is quite likely they will improve their own self-confidence. Like many folks, my scores on the golf course are better whenever I golf with players that are superior in skill. Maybe I concentrate more. Maybe I focus on my game more. Or maybe I just try harder.

Go for the low hanging fruit. When building self-confidence, look for opportunities to succeed. In the planning process, set attainable short-term goals to help boost confidence. It is important to steer away from uncertainty. For example: a person that wishes to enhance their presentation skills and overcome their fear of speaking might want to do some one-on-one presentations before trusted friends. The second step might be to join Toastmasters or enroll in a Dale Carnegie class. After developing their skills, then they may ask if they could do more presentations before customers or leadership teams.

Start each day off well. I will be the first to tell you this sounds a little ridiculous, but it works. Begin each day with positive affirmations about how confident you are becoming. And believe it! Literally look at yourself in the mirror and tell yourself that your self-confidence is improving. These positive declarations will reinforce the other actions you have taken to enhance your self-confidence.

The Earl of Chatham, William Pitt, in 1766 said that “confidence is a plant of slow growth.” Self-confidence cannot be attained easily or rapidly. It requires determination, a well thought-out plan, and a Partner to provide support, feedback, and encouragement. Share these six keys to enhancing self-confidence with others who may grow and improve through Partnering To Success.

Terry Wisner, the “Partnering Pro,” International Speaker, Consultant, and author, shares his experience and knowledge through energetic, entertaining, and enlghtening presentations and seminars. Do you want to experience improvement in; Customer Service, Teamwork, Leadership Skills, Communication Skills, or simply Self-Improvement? Then, visit Terry at http://www.terrywisner.com or http://www.p2s.us and learn more about Partnering and how it can help you and your organization succeed.

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