By Irene Conlan -
Last night I was surfing the senior singles sites. Yes, even I do that.
I was surprised to see a name from the past – or at least I thought it might be. The name represented a family of friends from the past. Our kids attended school together and were close friends. His wife was a dear friend but, unfortunately, we had lost contact over the years. She was a beautiful being in every way and someone I much admired.
In fact last week I told someone about her. You see, a friend of a friend had just been diagnosed with scleroderma – a dreadful autoimmune disease that affects the skin and blood vessels of the body. The skin becomes very thick and loses its elasticity and all of the internal organs are affected. It is crippling and very painful. My friend, Cathy, had scleroderma and she was amazing. While the disease devastated her body, it didn’t daunt her spirit and she was one of the sweetest, kindest women I’ve ever known. A gifted pianist, she worked tirelessly to get her crippled and twisted fingers to play again. During her concert – yes, she did it – I cried with emotion over the tremendous feat she had accomplished. She wanted me to help her write a book but in those years I didn’t have the skills or the talent to do it. We worked long hours to make it happen but neither of us could do it. She was one of those people that you never forget.
Our lives changed and we lost touch. I thought of her often over the years but didn’t take the time or make the effort to contact her. I wasn’t sure she was still living because I know how ill she was. And when I saw her husband on the single’s site I knew Cathy had graduated to a new dimension and I believe she had a grand welcoming there. Heaven, the “other side,” glory, the Light – whatever you choose to call that place of life after life must have held tremendous rewards for Cathy.
I started to contact her widowed husband just to say hello and I was overcome with any number of emotions that prevented that – guilt because I had not stayed in touch, grief that she is gone and I have no chance to say hello or goodbye, sadness that her boys who loved their mother so much had now lost her. All those very human feelings that we experience, acknowledge, work through.
Knowing I made the best decisions I could make for me and my family I had to dismiss the guilt – guilt is a useless, unneeded and undeserved emotion in situations such as this. I can work through the grief and sadness.
The flood of memories that came with reminisces of Cathy brought up old painful memories in my own life that I thought I had put to rest a long time ago. It was a difficult time for me. My marriage was falling apart, my sons were leaving the nest and I was in a whirlwind of change. It was a time of tremendous self doubt and endless searching for the right path to take. I was a time when my own self esteem was dangerously low, clouding my judgment and holding me back.
Twenty years makes so much difference in a life – or at least it did in mine. Reconciling the past with the present requires a lot of forgiveness of others and of myself and a great deal of appreciation for all I’ve had and all the wonderful people who have inspired me along the way. Cathy is certainly right at the top of my list.
The good news is that we all can get up from the place we’ve fallen and have a new start. While those were the most painful times of my life they were also the most productive. I have emerged from them knowing who I am and liking me a lot. That I live in the Phoenix area is symbolic to me because I have, like the Phoenix bird, risen from the ashes of defeat and near despair, to a life full of joy and fulfillment. There is so much more ahead for me and I fully intend to make the most of it.
Join me in the journey.
