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Savoring Your Successes

March 1, 2011 By Leave a Comment

By Sarah Gillen -

Many of us react to successes and pleasures by worrying. “Pride goeth before the fall!” we’ll mutter. Or we’ll look for the other shoe to drop, or worry that others will resent our good fortune. We may decide that we don’t really deserve the good that came our way.

Not everyone reacts this way. Some folks savor their experiences, sinking into the good feelings, exploring and relishing them. Positive psychology researchers have found that those who “derive pleasure through such strategies as anticipating positive events in the future, relishing them in the moment, and reminiscing about those in the past…Those who habitually savor are indeed happier and more satisfied in general with life… more optimistic… and less depressed… than those who do not savor. (Chris Peterson, A. Primer of Positive Psychology)

If you tend more toward the worrying type, the good news is that you can increase your happiness by practicing savoring. The next time receive a gift or compliment, win an award or long-sought accomplishment, or you simply notice that it’s a beautiful day, instead of hurrying on by it, enhance your experience by trying these strategies:

Sharing with others: You can seek out others to share the experience. If that is not possible, tell others how much you valued the moment.

Memory Building: Take mental photographs or even a physical souvenir… and reminisce about it later with others.

Self-Congratulation: Do not be afraid of pride. Tell yourself how impressed others are and remember how long you have waited for this to happen.

Sharpening Perceptions: focus on certain elements… and block out others.

Absorptions: Let yourself get totally immersed in the pleasure and try not to think about other matters.

I’d also suggest that savoring requires that we slow down when something brings you joy. We’ll find that we feel fuller and more nourished by life if we spend more time and attention appreciating one thing at a time than if we go for all the goodies that we can pack into an event. Kids at winter solstice holidays are a perfect example. When they receive so much, they often end up unhappy and frantic at the overload.

So, try not distracting yourself from the joy in your accomplishments and in each moment. As Dr. Peterson says, “Don’t be a kill-joy, because it would be (your) own joy that (you are) killing.”

Sarah Gillen, MA, LMFT, PCC, has been a Marriage and Family Therapist for 30 years. She is also a credentialed executive coach, and master Energy Medicine practitioner. She writes and gives trainings on Energy Medicine, Energy Psychology, and Energy Dynamics in business. Her new book is Uncover Joy:the path beyond pain, trauma, & self-defeating patterns, using energy dynamics.

Reach her at http://SarahGillen.com

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Your Attitude Toward Positive and Negative Events Will Make You More Resilient

January 28, 2011 By Leave a Comment

By Sharon S. Esonis, Ph.D. -

When your world is disrupted and shaken by adverse events, it can be extremely difficult to believe that the future will be better. But that’s just what the resilient person has learned to do. To be resilient, you must be an optimist who is confident that there is hope and renewal in the days to come and that this period of being under a very dark cloud is not personal, permanent or pervasive.

The optimist understands that bad things happen to everyone, and just because an unwanted event occurs, it does not mean that it was self-inflicted or engineered by a vicious, vindictive force. The optimist believes that there is a statute of limitations on the length of suffering — that the effects of the negative events won’t last forever, and that the storm need not cause a downpour over other aspects of one’s life. Resilience is about combating and even becoming immune to despair. An optimistic attitude provides some of the tools for such a worthy endeavor.

Helen Keller, an extraordinary woman whose optimism was a masterful force in living a life of purpose and fulfillment in spite of her very challenging handicaps, was born on June 27, 1880. At the age of 19 months she contracted “brain fever,” which today would probably be diagnosed as scarlet fever. She suffered a complete loss of her hearing and sight. She lived in a dark, silent, angry internal world until, at the age of seven, Anne Sullivan came to teach her.

After many attempts to communicate, Miss Sullivan (“The Miracle Worker”) broke through the barriers of blindness and deafness by splashing water on Helen’s hands, while simultaneously formulating in her hand the word for water in sign language. Anne Sullivan became a beloved friend, confidante and guiding force in Helen’s life.

Against tremendous odds, Helen Keller achieved great accomplishments as an author, speaker and activist. She modeled courage, persistence and optimism in ways that impressed so many people everywhere. She traveled throughout the world, campaigning for civil rights, womens’ rights, voting rights and world peace. She was a devoted advocate for the blind and handicapped. By viewing her limitations as opportunities to make the world a better place, Helen Keller was a shining example of resilience, optimism and commitment.

She is an inspiration in telling us, “We could never learn to be brave and patient if there were only joy in this world,” and that “character cannot be developed in ease and quiet. Only through experience of trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened, ambition inspired and success achieved.”

More information on how to develop your optimism and resilience can be found in my book on Positive Psychology, It’s Your Little Red Wagon… Six Core Strengths for Navigating Your Path to the Good Life (Embrace the Power of Positive Psychology and Live Your Dreams).

Copyright 2009. Sharon S. Esonis, Ph.D.

Sharon S. Esonis, Ph.D., has spent close to three decades helping individuals thrive and improve their lives through her work as a licensed psychologist, author and life coach. An expert in human behavior and motivation, Dr. Esonis specializes in the burgeoning field of Positive Psychology, the scientific study of optimal human functioning and the core strengths that can lead to the achievement of one’s personally-defined goals.

Her most recent book, “It’s Your Little Red Wagon… 6 Core Strengths for Navigating Your Path to the Good Life (Embrace the Power of Positive Psychology and Live Your Dreams!),” is Dr. Esonis’s contribution to the field of Positive Psychology, presenting proven success factors and strength-building techniques that can lead individuals to a life of purpose, motivation and happiness. It is available on Amazon.com.

Dr. Esonis earned her doctoral degree at Boston College and currently maintains a life coaching practice in the San Diego area. She also teaches Positive Psychology in the Extended Learning Program at California State University San Marcos. To learn more about the power of Positive Psychology and to order her latest book, visit her website at http://www.PositivePathLifeCoaching.com

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The Rocky Road of Perfectionism – Reduce Stress & Anxiety by Changing Unrealistic Expectations

October 28, 2010 By Leave a Comment

By Sharon S. Esonis, Ph.D. -

Perfectionism is an unhealthy way to live. I have witnessed the emotional turmoil of too many people who have this particular belief system with its ridiculous expectations. Believing that only one outcome (the perfect one!) is acceptable is incompatible with emotional health and creative living.

I’ve worked with many perfectionists over the years and have found that convincing them of the insidiousness of this particular mindset presents quite a challenge. If you are a perfectionist, changing your beliefs, expectations and behaviors won’t be easy, but it will open the path to greater health, happiness and self-confidence.

Perfectionists generally fit into three categories: those who expect perfection from themselves, those who expect perfection from others only, and those who expect it from both themselves and others. You or the others you impact with these expectations will never be perfect or attain perfection in any desired goal. It’s not going to happen, no matter what.

Expecting the impossible is a straight shot to trouble, disappointment and rocky interpersonal relationships. It consumes so much energy to follow this particular brand of dead-end thinking. Harriet Braiker, author and psychologist, warns, “Striving for excellence motivates you, striving for perfection is demoralizing.”

Think about it for a moment. If something has to be done to a tee, there’s not much room for exploration, discovery, spontaneity and joy. Costly, debilitating and not much fun! Keep in mind that the perfectionist is worried about all the details of the outcome. That’s a powerful way to put out the fire and marginalize whatever gains you or anyone else make. This also makes it hard to be open to unexpected and/or disguised opportunities. It affects other people adversely because it’s “your way or the highway.”

Signs of Perfectionism

  • Unrealistic expectations of self or others
  • Narrow idea of what success is
  • Broad definition of failure
  • Fear of disapproval
  • Fear of failure
  • Fear of making mistakes
  • All or nothing thinking
  • Long list of “shoulds”
  • Setting goals that are unachievable
  • Conflict in relationships because of unrealistic expectations and disappointment when others don’t meet those expectations
  • Unwillingness to show others their vulnerabilities
  • Strong need to be in control
  • Excessive need for achievement
  • Focusing on mistakes, missteps, failures
  • Procrastination because they don’t want to complete something that isn’t perfect
  • Inordinate amount of worrying and guilt
  • Main focus on details not big picture
  • High sensitivity to criticism

Beliefs

  • If I can control myself and my world, the likelihood increases that I will be perfect
  • I need to be perfect in order to gain the respect and approval of others
  • Success comes more easily for others than for me
  • Whatever I do is never good enough
  • Anything worth doing is worth being done perfectly
  • My self-worth is directly related to my performance

What the Perfectionist Often Experiences

  • By focusing on unrealistic goals, the perfectionist is set up for failure
  • Unresolved relationship conflicts often occur for perfectionists who want others to do things their way
  • They have difficulty feeling successful and peaceful
  • They often apply this philosophy even to leisure activities: “anything worth doing is worth doing right”
  • Perfectionists ultimately find that their productivity suffers
  • They too often experience loneliness, sadness, frustration and feelings of inadequacy
  • They experience sensitivity to what others think and are negatively affected if there is disapproval
  • Instead of finding what is important to them, perfectionists become hung up on the dreaded “shoulds”
  • Finding peace is allusive to perfectionists
  • They often feel stressed, anxious, depressed; many perfectionists have symptoms that rise to the level of a clinical diagnosis of a stress, anxiety, depressive or eating disorder
  • They can be mired in procrastination
  • They may have Obsessive-Compulsive Personality Disorder
  • Perfectionists may experience headaches, gastrointestinal difficulties, muscle tension, and cardiovascular problems

What To Do About It

  • Change your belief that perfectionism is something to strive for; dispute it when the thought comes to mind
  • Identify and admit the perfectionism beliefs and behaviors that are a major part of your life
  • Dispute the beliefs and expectations that are out of line with reality
  • Understand that the mistakes and failures are opportunities to learn and get stronger; adopt that as part of your new belief system
  • Give yourself permission to be imperfect and to make mistakes; learn to see the humor in your mistakes; think of mistakes as chances to learn
  • Accept your weaknesses. See them as part of your uniqueness
  • Inject a humorous approach to your life and goals; so many things in life just aren’t that serious or important; develop a 10 point scale for importance and make sure when you assign a number that there are few or no tens
  • Resign as CEO of the universe; it will be a relief for you and others
  • Learn more about mindfulness and living in the moment; spend time with people who live in the moment
  • Be kinder and more patient with others. Learn to listen to others and have empathy
  • Understand that procrastination is a form of avoidance; the perfectionist avoids finishing a project because it will lead to an evaluation of its perfection by him/herself or by someone else
  • Set realistic, achievable goals; congratulate yourself when you complete any part of your goal
  • Get to know what you really want in life
  • Look at life and your goals as a journey, not as a destination
  • When something bad happens have an optimistic attitude: don’t take it personally, don’t think it’s permanent and don’t allow it to affect unrelated parts of your life
  • Figure out what fears lurk behind your perfectionism and face them directly
  • If this is too difficult to do alone, talk to a psychologist or other health care professional

You can be excellent, but not perfect, at some chosen goals, and just plain mediocre at others that don’t matter much at all. Make the decision to be selective about what endeavors merit your finest efforts, and then plan to revel in your accomplishments, even the ones that may fall short of the mark.

To learn more about Positive Psychology, look for my latest book, It’s Your Little Red Wagon… Six Core Strengths for Navigating Your Path to the Good Life (Embrace the Power of Positive Psychology and Live Your Dreams), available on Amazon.com

Copyright 2009. Sharon S. Esonis, Ph.D.

Sharon S. Esonis, Ph.D., has spent close to three decades helping individuals thrive and improve their lives through her work as a licensed psychologist, author and life coach. An expert in human behavior and motivation, Dr. Esonis specializes in the burgeoning field of Positive Psychology, the scientific study of optimal human functioning and the core strengths that can lead to the achievement of one’s personally-defined goals.

Her most recent book, “It’s Your Little Red Wagon… 6 Core Strengths for Navigating Your Path to the Good Life (Embrace the Power of Positive Psychology and Live Your Dreams!),” is Dr. Esonis’s contribution to the field of Positive Psychology, presenting proven success factors and strength-building techniques that can lead individuals to a life of purpose, motivation and happiness. It is available on Amazon.com.

Dr. Esonis earned her doctoral degree at Boston College and currently maintains a life coaching practice in the San Diego area. She also teaches Positive Psychology in the Extended Learning Program at California State University San Marcos. To learn more about the power of Positive Psychology and to order her latest book, visit her website at http://www.PositivePathLifeCoaching.com

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What is Positive Psychology?

July 20, 2010 By 1 Comment

CB043383By Warren Davies -

Positive psychology is a scientific field that focuses exclusively on the positive aspects of people and life. It covers topics like well-being, happiness, engagement, meaning, positive relationships, optimism, and so on. The premise behind the movement is that for many decades, psychology as a field had been too focused on the so-called ‘disease model’, and in treating mental illness. While this is obviously an important part of psychology (in fact, a number of mental disorders that were once though of as untreatable, can now treated), positive psychologists believe that a fulfilling life is not merely the absence of disease, but is the addition of other factors.

But just because the field is focused on the positive aspects of life, this does not mean that it dismissed the real problems that people face in their lives. It simply proposes that positive experiences also deserve to be studied, in addition, but not instead of, negative or neutral experiences.

Positive psychology is a science, just as psychology in general is. So all the assumptions and theories that come out of the field are tested thoroughly. So positive psychology is not to be confused with self-help, a non-evidence based field. And the evidence that has accumulated so far has been quite interesting, for example:

  • Most people in the world are happy
  • Happiness is both a cause, and a result, of good things happening
  • Social relationships are one of the biggest factors in happiness
  • Money has a diminishing effect on happiness
  • People in many varied cultures have very similar strengths of character
  • Work can bring happiness if it is engaging and provides meaning
  • Psychological well-being comes from three things – autonomy, competency, and relations with others

One of the more important findings is that happiness can be taught. It appears that life circumstances such as age gender, income, and material possessions have only a minimal impact on happiness. The biggest factor, after genetics, is the intentional action that people take in response to the world; how they act and think.

Because of the nature of the subject, it is perhaps not surprising that the field has inpired a whole range of positive psychology blogs, books, courses, and consultants. And although the research is only just beginning, psychologists are hard at work in discovering exactly what actions improve peoples’ well-being, and the coming years are likely to see great progress in this area.

Warren Davies is a positive psychology student at the University of East London. He runs a psychology blog at GenerallyThinking.com.

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Let’s Focus on Self Esteem – Part III Courage

January 5, 2010 By Leave a Comment

firefighterBy Irene Conlan -

Two friends were walking along the road together and suddenly came upon a group of children who were about to be attacked by a vicious dog. One grabbed a large stick by the side of the road to defend the children and scare off the dog while the other one stood and watched. It isn’t hard to determine which one had courage. We admire people who are brave and who defend us and others who cannot defend themselves – the military, firemen, policemen, paramedics, etc. We cheer in movies when the brave “good guy” wins.

Today we will focus on the strength group representing Courage. In the courage group are

  • Valor and bravery
  • Perseverance/Industry/Diligence
  • Integrity/Genuineness/Honesty

Valor and Bravery – we all have our own idea of bravery and generally we think of our men and women in the military defending us on foreign fields. Most of them are truly brave and we should be grateful for them always. They, and others, put themselves in harm’s way in our behalf on a regular basis. They are in true physical danger and face it regularly.

Those who stand up for what they believe even if it isn’t popular are also brave – they are morally brave. Martin Luther certainly fit this category as well as our founding fathers who stood against the king of England. Martyrs who died for their faith and those who didn’t flinch when their beliefs were threatened are examples of this kind of bravery. It takes great courage to stand alone against a crowd.

There are also those who are psychologically brave. I work with a group that helps those who are grieving the loss of a wheelchairloved one. There are those who want to throw in the towel right away – they want to die rather than pick up the pieces and they expect everyone to help them.  On the other hand, there are those who have suffered multiple losses and serious setbacks, who get up and go on, active in their own healing. These are the brave ones.  When serious illness strikes there are those who crumble and those who stand and fight it and at the same time reach out to help others.  I knew a woman named Joni Erickson Tada who, a quadriplegic since a diving accident as a young woman, faced life again and learned to paint brilliantly with a brush between her teeth and became an inspiration to millions. This is courage.

We do not all have the strength of bravery but we so admire those who do. Where do you fit?

Integrity/Genuineness/Honesty

I can’t say this better than Selegman who, in Authentic Happiness says:

You are an honest person, not only by speaking the truth but by living your life in a genuine and authentic way. You are down to earth and without pretense; you are a  “real” person. By integrity and genuineness I mean more than just telling the truth to others. I mean representing yourself – your intentions and commitments – to others and to yourself in sincere fashion, whether by word or deed. “To Thine own self, bge true, and thou canst not then be false to any man.” (Authentic Happiness, p. 147)

There was once someone in my life who had a habit of lying – even when it didn’t serve any purpose for him. I would hear  him telling a lie even when the truth would have been better in the situation. I asked him once why he did that and he couldn’t answer me. It was a long standing habit and he wasn’t interested in changing it. I came to distrust everything he said and soon was not able to stay in that friendship. He as dishonest in other things as well and hurt many others because of his lack of integrity – mainly he hurt himself. He made big claims about himself but didn’t walk his talk.

Sometimes it takes great courage to stand for what you believe to be the truth and it takes real bravery to be true to yourself when everyone around you urges you to be “someone else.”

There are courageous people all around us. Are you one of them?

Is courage one of your strengths?

Recommended reading:

Authentic Happiness Using the New Positive Psychology to Realize Your Poetential for Lasting Fulfillment, Martin E.P Seligman, N.Y., Free Press, 2002.

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Let’s Focus on Self Esteem – Part II Wisdom and Knowledge

January 4, 2010 By Leave a Comment

cautionBy Irene Conlan -

Some years ago there was a skit on Saturday Night Live with Gilda Radner modeling “Jewish Jeans.”  As I recall they had a big star of David on the back pocket where designers put their name or logo. She paraded all over the set showing off her Jewish Jeans and, finally, one of the other characters asked her, “Do you have to be Jewish to wear Jewish Jeans.” Her reply? “No, but it helps.”

Self esteem is like that. Do you have to have high self esteem to be successful? No, but it helps. Some people are driven by the need to “prove themselves” and they become highly successful but perhaps not highly happy. Self esteem, it seems to me, is one of  the important ingredients in happiness – can you be truly happy if you don’t like yourself much?  One of the ways to improve your self esteem is to recognize and utilize your strengths. Isn’t it true that when you’re feeling really strong in some area, that you are happier?

We are going to use the strengths outlined by Positive Psychology. If you haven’t read the first article in this series, go back to the home page and look for the man in the mirror. The first group of strengths are the WKs – the Wisdom and Knowledge Strengths.

I think of my five year old grandson when I think about this grouping of strengths. He said to me not long ago, “Grandma, I want to know everything.” “Everything about what?” I asked. “Everything about everything, ” was his answer. He went on to opine that by the time  he hits thirteen he should know everything. Don’t we all wish? The strengths are listed in progressive order – Jack definitely demonstrates the first two.

Wisdom and Knowledge

1, Curiosity/Interest in the world
2. Love of learning
3 Judgment/Critical thinking/Open mindednes
4. Ingenuity/Originality/Practical Intelligence/Street Smarts
5. Social intelligence/Personal Intelligence/Emotional Intelligence
6. Perspective

Curiosity is being involved with the new, the novel, the unexpected -not being thrown by things that are different. People strong in this trait are seldom if ever bored because they look for things to investigate. Are you curious or do you just let things happen around you without questioning?  Do you have to know what makes things tick? Do you want to know the answer to “who, what, when where and why”?

Love of Learning is just what it says. Do you love school, love learning anywhere you find something new? Do you continue to investigator new avenues of interest? Have you developed a topic that you’re expert in and people seek you out for your opinion? Do you love museums and bask in the smell of an old library? Do you hold the belief that you’re never too old (or too anything for that matter) to learn?

Judgment/Critical thinking/Open mindednes. Do you jump to conclusions of do you  examine all sides of  the issue before you make a decision based on your findings? Many assume they know the answer or the solution without thinking it through.  Many have closed their mind to anything new on some subjects or issues and don’t leave room for new answers or varied solutions. Does the statement, “He gets all his exercise by jumping to conclusions” apply to you? I will stick my neck out and say that the two areas most likely to foster closed mindedness are religion and politics.”MY church is the only true one and MY political party is correct regardless of who is in office” are sometime not only though but adamantly proclaimed by some. Do you have areas of close mindedness or are you open to new ideas, new approaches, new information, new insights?

Ingenuity/Originality/Practical Intelligence/Street Smarts Here’s where the rubber meets the road. Seligman calls this strength “practical intelligence, common sense or street smarts.” (Authentic Happiness, p. 143) How many people do you know who seem to have brilliant minds but can’t change a light bulb or make a good decision? I was married to a man who was a genius at political strategy but simply couldn’t do every day things like  mow the lawn. (The only time he did that, he almost cut his hand off because he reached in too pull clogged grass out while the mower was running.) I have two sons – both exceptionally bright. One, even as a tiny child, could build anything. The other one had difficulty stacking blocks and putting legos together. But that was o.k. He would let his brother do the building – and even supervise it -and then he would  pretend he was an airplane and bomb them. As an adult  he has learned to build and fix things well but his great strength is in his ingenuity and originality. He thinks way ahead of the times and has to wait for everyone else to catch up. He is the most creative thinker I have ever met. What about you? Are your strengths in this area?

Social intelligence/Personal Intelligence/Emotional Intelligence is an understanding of yourself and others. It is knowing your own likes and dislikes, identifying and understanding your own emotions and the emotions of others, and taking the proper action to deal with them. Easier said than done. Some people are so introspective and self absorbed that they hardly know anyone else is around, much less know how those others are feeling. Some are so flighty and other-oriented that they aren’t aware of either their own or others emotions – everything seems superficial. To understand more about emotional intelligence view the second video of this week by Daniel Goleman  or read his book, Emotional Intelligence. Seligman states, “Personal intelligence consists in finely tuned access of  this strength. Are you aware of your emotions and the emotions of others and know how to deal with them in daily life?

Perspective singles you out as the “go to” person in your area of expertise. It makes you the “wise one” who can put everything together and come to a solution that  no one else may have seen. Again, my son is a “wise one” in the areas of business management, political strategy, corporate structure, advertising strategy – anything that requires putting together ideas and people from your own and other fields to create something new. He amazes me on a daily basis. If you want a new perspective on your own business, political campaign, corporation or foundation, or advertising campaiagn he’s your “go to” guy. He is the epitome of this strength.

You may not rank high in any of these categories. Not to worry, more is to come. You will find your strength(s) before the week is over.  If you want to know more about it now visit the Positive Psychology website and take their survey: http://www.authentichappiness.sas.upenn.edu/Default.aspx

Recommended reading:

Authentic Happiness Using the New Positive Psychology to Realize Your Poetential for Lasting Fulfillment, Martin E.P Seligman, N.Y., Free Press, 2002.

Happiness Now: TImeless Wisdom for Feeling Good FAST, Robert HOlden, Ph.D. Hayhouse, 2007.

Emotional Intelligence: Why it can matter more than IQ, Daniel Goleman. Bantam Books, 1995.

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Let’s focus on self esteem – Part 1 Overview

January 2, 2010 By Leave a Comment

man in mirrorSelf esteem. We talk about it a lot and we  use it as a scape goat for our failures or  for the failures of others. “He is smart enough, you know. But he has such low self esteem … ” “If she didn’t have such low self esteem, she would be at the top of her class.” “His low self esteem holds him back.” I just don’t feel good enough about myself to try that.”So what are we saying here? If he liked himself, he could be a success. That may be true in part but there may, and probably are, other factors at work here as w ell.

We’re very tuned in to self esteem issues and, in fact, they may have become a “catch all excuse” for  our failures. And yet, it is still an important component of success and a feeling of self worth. What it is  that makes you truly “like yourself?f” For the answer to that we will turn  to Positive Psychology.

The starting place is to get to know yourself. What are your strengths? If you know your strengths can you draw on them and side step your weaknesses? (Hey, we all have weaknesses and it’s no shame to admit it).  Martin Seligman, founder of the Positive Psychology Movement, has identified twenty four strengths that are possible to each of us. We will be looking at these in detail. Don’t expect yourself to have all twenty four but know that you absolutely DO have some of them. These are the building blocks and you need to know what they are to do the building of positive self esteem. (Oh, by the way, it’s up to you to come to like  yourself – it isn’t any one else’s responsibility).

As a starting place, I encourage you to go to the Positive Psychology website and complete the survey on strengths so you know exactly what you have to work with. Go to http://www.authentichappiness.org and take the VIA Strengths survey.

Today we will list the strengths and  tomorrow we will take a closer look. Selegman’s twenty four strengths argrouped into seven groups: Wisdom and Knowledge, Perspective, Courage, Humanity and Love, Justice, Temperance, and Transcendence. *

Wisdom and Knowledge

1, Curiosity/Interest in the world
2. Love of learning
3 Judgment/Critical thinking/Open mindednes
4. Ingenuity/Originality/Practical Intelligence/Street Smarts
5. Social intelligence/Personal Intelligence/Emotional Intelligence
6. Perspective

Courage

7. Valor and bravery
8. Perseverance/Industry/Diligence
9. Integrity/Genuineness/Honesty

Humanity and Love

10. Kindness and Generosity
11. Loving and allowing oneself to be loved

Justice

12. Citizenship/Duty/Teamwork/Loyalty
13. Fairness and equity
14.Leadership

Temperance

15. Self Control
16. Prudence/Discretion/Caution
17. Humility and Modesty

Transcendence

18. Appreciation of beauty and Excellence
19. Gratitude
20. Hope/Optimism/Future-Mindedness
21. Spiritual/Sense of Purpose/Faith/Religiousness
22. Forgiveness and Mercy
23. Playfulness and Humor
24. Zest/Passion/Enthusiasm

It is my personal belief (and one that is  held by many others) that to  improve your self esteem you  do not have to drudge up all the events of the past that mady you dislike yourself. You don’t need to reiterate the fact that your father called you a “Dummy” or your mother said you’d never amount to anything, etc. You don’t need to bring up that you failed algebra or didn’t get picked for the lead in the school play. Focus on, and develop, your personal strengths and in th end, you will value yourself and even like who your are.

Isn’t it worth your best shot?

See ya tomorrow.

(From Authentic Happiness: Using the New Positive Psychology to Realize Your Potoential for Lasting Fulfillment by Martin Seligman. Free Press,  N..Y., 2004. Chapter 9.

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Early Morning Thoughts on New Year’s Day

January 1, 2010 By 1 Comment

2010redsmallBy Irene Conlan -

I don’t think you can call what’s happening here an article – it is more like musings – a hodge podge of thoughts about the new year.

It is very quiet this morning. Except for some screaming sirens that seemed to cry endlessly before their sound faded away, there have been few sounds to break the stillness. What were the sirens heralding? A wreck? A fire? It sounded like a number of units responded to the call for help. Someone’s new year is off to a shaky start at best or a tragic beginning at worst. Something in me hopes it was a false alarm and something in me knows it was not. I pray. I send my angels to them. I send love and light.

I love the silence. In my younger days I had to have the TV on whether I was watching it  or not or I played continuous music – anything to break the silence that seemed to command me to examine my life. Across the years there has been a reckoning – not a big formal confrontation of myself with myself – but a gradual, almost unnoticed coming to terms with myself. Peace began to settle in when I began to meditate. I did work with brain waves and tapes, light and sound – I love this kind of thing – and didn’t notice what was taking place within me. I’m certainly not finished. Anyone who knows me will tell you  I’m still in the product testing lab and yet I have come to be at peace with me and with those around me. Now I am comfortable in the silence.

I’ve been thinking about  what to me are the most important occurrences of the past ten years. What has happened in the first decade of this new millennium that is worth mentioning? My list probably won’t agree with anyone else’s but it’s my list and my picks. I’d love to hear yours. I think of several:

  • The growth of the Internet that made it possible to interact with people all over the planet with a single keystroke. Information, whether true or false, can be passed across the planet in a very short period of time. It has created a whole new batch of scam and scam artists to be aware of and, at the same time has put wonderful information at our fingertips. We have had a mixing of cultures unheard of and impossible in the past and, hopefully, we have all grown from it. As more people gain access in the future, the effect will be even more profound.
  • The cell phone  has changed us worldwide  both for better and worse. Information can be passed along quickly but there’s no place to go to get away from it. Some people seem to have the phone growing out of an ear or glued to their fingers while they text frantically. When is there time to think? The phones now do everything from send and receive calls, to making dinner reservations and quizzing us to see if we’re too drunk to drive. They get our emails, check on our stocks and play our favorite music. As American Express says, “Don’t leave home without it.”
  • The growing popularity of meditation. It is no longer just a “religious” practice. It is used to commune with the Divine, yes, but it is also used to help get us centered, grounded, calm, unstressed and creative. It is being taught and used even in major corporations to help the executives be less stressed and more productive. It is a magnificent tool.
  • The research on the chemicals of emotion and thought that help us understand more about the human being and how incredibly complex and holistic we are. Chemicals of thought and emotions are found in every cell of the body, etc. . The understanding and wider acceptance of the power of thought has also come into the forefront and the idea of “manifesting” has people abuzz. Actually, the scientists are discovering what the mystics have know across the centuries.
  • YouTube takes us from the ridiculous to the sublime with some comedy in between within a few moments. You can get a cross section of life in a few moments and wander into some very bizarre territory letting you know clearly that we are not all the same.
  • Positive Psychology that takes our focus away from “what’s wrong with me” to “what’s right with me.” What a difference a thought makes!

This is just a beginning of my list but it looks like electronics head my list so far.  I will mull on it a while longer.

Now I have to go find some breakfast and get settled in for the Rose Bowl Parade, some football and a day of quietly enjoying this first day of 2010.

Happy New Year to you all.

Filed Under: Self Improvement Tagged With: , , , , , , ,

Finding Your Happiness

October 17, 2009 By Leave a Comment

daisies1By Margaret Page -

Ah, the Good Life – isn’t that what we all want? From Aristotle to Tony Bennett and nearly everyone in between, we love to talk and daydream about our own personal vision of a happy, fulfilling life.

So, if we spend a lifetime chasing our vision of happiness, it seems wise to spend some time asking ourselves: What makes me happy?

It seems like such a simple question, doesn’t it? Deceptively simple, in fact.

There is a mountain of research that says we often look in all the wrong places for our bliss. In other words, the things we think will make us happy… don’t really make us happy for long.

Have you ever caught yourself thinking, “I’ll be so happy when… (fill in the blank).” When I have a fit body, when I make more money, when my spouse leaves town, then I’ll really be happy.

Yeah, right.

The pursuit of happiness can be easily confused with pursuits of pleasure, security, and success. But a lasting sense of happiness is simply not rooted in these things.

Consider the evidence. The human race has never been more sophisticated, more privileged or more resourceful – or more depressed. All the promotions and fancy cars, plush furniture and sexy spouses, and all the other pleasures we dream about simply don’t produce as much joy as we think they will.

Let’s take money for example, since we find it at the top of so many wish lists… anyone would be happier if a vast fortune dropped in their lap, right?

Well, not for long, it turns out. Harvard professor Dan Gilbert, author of Stumbling on Happiness, carefully measured the happiness levels of two distinct groups: new lottery winners and new paraplegics.

Believe it or not, within one year of their life-changing event, tests showed they were equally happy with their lives!

This test and many more scientific studies are telling us that happiness is not really a matter of pleasurable circumstances in life. The beautiful clothes, the chocolate, the living room furniture you always dreamed of… they barely register on the scale of life satisfaction.

So what does make us happier? What are the necessary components of a happy life?

Dr. Martin Seligman, the father of Positive Psychology (or “the science of feeling good,” as some call it), says there are three basic kinds of happy life:

  • The Pleasant Life, where you generate and receive as much pleasure and positive   emotion as you possibly can; pleasure is savored.
  • The Good Life, where   you experience deep engagement in your work, family and social   interactions; time stops for you; you spend a lot of time in flow. This   comes from knowing your highest strengths and crafting life to use them as   much as you can. (This is why I encourage all my clients to use a   strengths assessment tool – it’s critical knowledge for building a richer,   happier life. When you know your personal strengths and find new ways to   use them, happiness always increases.)
  • The Meaningful Life, knowing your strengths and using them in service of something   larger than you.

Seligman’s research tells us that the pleasures of life don’t really contribute to life satisfaction unless they are paired with something meaningful or an opportunity to do something you’re good at. (To watch a brief lecture by Dr. Seligman, click here.)

To bring this philosophy to life, think about eating ice cream… now think about eating ice cream with a close friend who had a rough day. Which gives you a deeper sense of happiness?

Studies reveal that the number one predictor of a person’s happiness is close, intimate relationships; it doesn’t matter whether they are romantic relationships, family ties or friendships – as long as they are meaningful.

True happiness has been the personal quest of Harvard professor Tal Ben-Shahar; his course, “Positive Psychology: The Science of Happiness,” has the highest attendance of any course at HarvardUniversity. When I heard his course would be offered online (starting in September and January), I knew I had to register.

For those who can’t make it to Dr. Shahar’s class, here are some tips from the Harvard happiness expert (adapted from his “Six Tips for Happiness”):

1. Give yourself permission to be an imperfect human. Accept all emotions – even fear, sadness and anxiety – as natural.

2. Happiness explodes when pleasure and meaning meet. If your work doesn’t include activities that are both personally significant and enjoyable, create moments throughout the week that provide you with both.

3. Happiness is mostly dependent on our state of mind. What we choose to focus on (the full or empty part of the glass) and our interpretation of events (catastrophic failure or learning opportunity) are pivotal moments with a heavy influence on happiness.

4. Simplify! We compromise our happiness by trying to do too much. Cut out the things that don’t bring you pleasure, hold a sense of meaning, or align with your strengths.

5. What we do – or don’t do – with our bodies has a big influence on our minds. Regular exercise, adequate sleep, and healthy eating habits impact mental health.

6. Express gratitude whenever possible. Learn to appreciate and savor the wonderful things in life, from people to food, from nature to a smile. Keep a gratitude journal by the bed and make an entry each night.

With a little focus, we can make a big impact on our own happiness – and I can’t think of anything more important to focus on.

Margaret Page, founder of Beyond the Page Coaching Ltd., is passionate about helping successful professionals achieve their highest vision of success. With over 30 years as an entrepreneur and business leader, Margaret has helped countless professionals find focus, build efficiency, and eliminate overwhelm. Guided by her personal mission to inspire, encourage and motivate, she empowers people with the resources, tools and understanding they need to achieve extraordinary results in record time. As the head of Etiquette Page Enterprises, Margaret is also a recognized expert in business etiquette and international protocol. As a dynamic trainer, Margaret conducts inspiring programs and private consultations, with customized sessions that address each person’s individual needs. For information about Margaret’s coaching program, or to sign up for her newsletter, “A Page of Insight,” please visit her online.

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Margaret_Page

Filed Under: Happiness, Self Esteem, Self Improvement Tagged With: , , ,

What are YOUR character strengths?

September 19, 2009 By Leave a Comment

man-in-mirror

By Irene Conlan -

The University of Pennsylvania is the home of the Positive Psychology Center headed by Dr. Martin Seligman. If you are interested in the strengths and virtues that help you thrive,  this is a site for you. It’s a new and fresh way to look at human behavior. The site goes into great detail about what positive psychology is and what it can do for you.

For me, the exciting thing about this site is it the research that YOU can be a part of. It’s always great to give back and this is a way to give back to those who are pioneering this new field that focuses on our wellness and happiness rather than our illness and unhappiness. On the first page in the lower left corner is a link to their research. I highly recommend that you participate. You will learn a lot about you and help them as they shape this new field.

Just as important is the questionnaire section that will  “Develop insights into yourself and the world around you through these scientifically tested questionnaires, surveys, and scales.” You answer the questionnaire and get your score in such areas as:

  • your overall happiness
  • depression symptoms
  • your tendency to support, help, and understand other people
  • you primary character strengths
  • appreciation about the Past
  • work-life satisfaction
  • three routes to happiness
  • and additional very meaningful questionnaires and that give you more insight into you

This is by far the best self assessment tool I have ever seen and I highly recommend it for anyone who is serious about self improvement or who just want to develop more self awareness. You will come out knowing your greatest strengths – strengths that you can build on.  Your scores are saved and you can go back and  study them or retake them as you wish.

For the Positive Psychology site at the University Pennsylvania:  http://www.ppc.sas.upenn.edu/

For the questionnaires, go to the Authentic Happiness site at: http://www.authentichappiness.sas.upenn.edu/Default.aspx

And for those of you who are wondering, I have absolutely no ties whatsoever to The Positive Psychology Center. I am an admirer of their work and think it can be life changing for those who study it and apply their teachings to their lives.

Filed Under: Self Esteem, Self Improvement Tagged With: , ,
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