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Do You Fight Fair?

September 3, 2011 By Leave a Comment

By Dr Saira Sabzaali -

Couples fight. Whether they have been together for ages or are just in the beginning phases of getting to know each other, couples fight. And it’s okay to fight. I have learned there is only one way to have a productive fight, and that is to fight fair. Generally, when things get heated in a relationship, we tend to do one of three things. Not to say we are animals (well, not on our good days, that is!) but when we are under pressure, we revert to a part of our brain that gives us limited options. What are those options? Fight, freeze, or flee. Once we understand the nature of our response and our partner’s response, fighting can actually be a tool in the relationship rather than something to dread.

Those who Fight

Those who fight may have grown up in a household where standing up for oneself was important. They may have witnessed bullying in their family or community, and somewhere in their history decided that their voice and opinions are important and need to be expressed. Those who fight come in two categories: overt and hidden. The overt fighters tend to raise their voices, get confrontational, and when taken to extreme, can get in trouble when bystanders try to intervene. The overt fighters tend to look like the “crazy” ones in the relationship, as their rage is obvious and palatable. When overt fighters are not given tools to manage their emotions, they can become verbally or physically abusive.

The hidden fighters are a whole different flavour. These are the people who undermine, ridicule, brush off, or use sarcasm to let their partner know they are upset. The hidden fighters may sabotage their partner’s plans, put them down in front of others, or point our their partners shortcomings to family and friends when the partner is absent. The hidden fighters have learned to use their words and their minds to win the argument, and they are often described as having a razor-sharp tongue. Though they rarely raise their voices, if hidden fighters do not learn tools to help them cope with their irritation and inner venom, they can become emotionally or financially abusive. A fighter tends to be a fighter, so if one style is not working to win an argument, a fighter may try the other. The main motivation of a fighter is to let their partner know that he or she is wrong and why.

Those who Freeze

Those who freeze have often witnessed abuse as children, and have not mastered the tools required to remain present in an argument. As soon as they sense conflict, something inside of them shuts down. For those who freeze, confrontation is to be avoided at all costs, and if someone does engage with them through anger, it will be like speaking to a wall. Those who freeze have become experts at shutting down the vulnerable parts of themselves in order to stay safe. The down-side of this technique is that their partners do not feel heard, and emotions become prohibited in the relationship. Another term for freezing is “stone-walling”. No matter how much their partner tries, they cannot get a response. Those who freeze may look down at people who express their emotions, as they have not seen anything positive come out of a fight. These people may feel their feelings at some later time when their partner is no around and they feel safe enough to express. The challenge with this type of response is that the couple stays stuck at an “arm’s length” intimacy, and issues stay unresolved for long periods of time.

Those who Flee

Those who flee leave an argument in the middle of the fire. As things get heated, they physically remove themselves from the fight. Though this can be a healthy response occasionally, when practiced consistently in a relationship, it sends the message that the partner is not important enough to work things through with. Those who flee may be afraid of what they might do or say or what their partner may do or say if things go too far. If someone is consistently fleeing the fight in a relationship, there is a good chance that there are trust issues that need to be worked through. Those that flee have probably not had healthy models of fighting fair in their childhood households. Removing oneself can activate the partner’s issues around abandonment and self-worth.

Fighting Fair

Fighting fair is possible, but it takes commitment. Imagine a hidden fighter and someone who flees? Or a overt fighter and someone who freezes? It’s no wonder there is so much fighting going on! But no matter what style we revert to when under pressure, there are some simple ways to stay connected to our partners and ourselves in the middle of a fight.

  1. How old are you?

    Most of us fight like we did when we were kids. If you are feeling overwhelmed in a fight with your partner, ask yourself the question “How old am I right now?” If your response is younger than your current age, there is a part of you that is feeling unsafe, and so you will be defensive and probably a little unreasonable. In the mist of the fight, you can quickly imagine yourself sending that child part of you off to the park with a friend so the “grown-ups” can finish the fight fairly.

  2. What are we fighting about?

    If you follow your fight pattern, you will find that you are probably fighting about something that has nothing to do with the content of the current disagreement. Are you fighting about trust, equality, importance, time, attention? If you can get to what is lacking in the relationship rather than the event that triggered it, change is possible.

  3. Who cares?

    In the middle of the fight, you can honestly ask yourself “Why do I care so much”? Do you care because you think the changes will help the relationship grow closer or are you simply wanting to be right? This is where you get to choose: would you rather be right or happy? If this occurs to you after the fight, it is a great time to say sorry.

  4. How can you help?

    If you partner is upset and you have the awareness to put yourself aside for a moment, you will notice that the fight is actually a call for help. This is where you get to be the bigger person, and see how you can help. And yes, in some relationships, one person will be the bigger person more often than the other. That is the nature of human intimacy.

  5. How about next month?

    A month from now, will you remember the content of this fight? Probably not. It’s more likely that you’ll remember how the fight made you feel. If you can bring gentleness, compassion, an a listening ear to the fight, chances are it will dissolve and the real issues will start to emerge. And if you have left in the middle of the fight, go back later and work it through.

I know it’s not easy. I know things get said that we wish we could take back. But once you know your styles, it is easier to catch the instinctive behaviour and bring you both back to what you would rather be doing.

And never underestimate the power of an apology!

And, you can get much more on Dr. Saira’s proven methods for a more passionate life. Join Dr. Saira’s mailing list now at http://talktosaira.com.

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Achieving Optimum Health

August 7, 2011 By Leave a Comment

By Tim Ong -

“Optimum health is not just the absence of disease but the presence of wellness in mental, emotional, physical, spiritual and social areas. Some would also include financial health.”

Introduction

Optimum health is essential at all levels, from the individual to the society we live in to the environment around us. We have to start thinking of wealth not just in terms of possession of money and properties but also the possession of mental, emotional, physical, social and spiritual well-being.

Mental Health

The truth is mind is the forerunner of all states.

With a proper mindset, a poor man can still be happy. Conversely, if the mindset is not right, no matter how much material possessions you may have, you may still be a very unhappy person. Thus, Gandhi said, “The world has enough for everyone’s needs, but not enough for even a single person’s greed.”

So a healthy mind is one that possesses a mindset that can lead to happiness and contentment with self and the world around us. It provides clarity of thoughts, good insight and the ability to see things through an unbiased mind.

To be able to see things through an unbiased mind is no small feat. It is extremely difficult to note or observe the unfolding of events and phenomena without judging. We habitually associate emotions or feelings to events, and allow such emotions to direct our actions. Our likes for certain things and dislikes for others are closely associated with our emotions.

Emotional Health

It is our emotions that lead us to act impulsively at times. Thus a high level of self-awareness in this area is extremely useful. In fact, it is essential to our well-being. After all, things and relationships that may take us years to build can be destroyed in a moment of anger.

There are positive and negative emotions. Positive emotions such as love, compassion and joy should be cultivated, while negative emotions such as fear, anger and hate need to be eradicated.

When asked about this, a wise sage of India once illustrated with a story:

An old man said to his grandson, “Boy, I have two tigers caged within me. One is love and compassion. The other is fear and anger.”

The young boy asked, “Which one will win, grandfather?”

The old man replied, “The one I feed.”

At times, it may seem that we have no control over our emotions. This is not true. The truth is how well we manage our emotions depends on how aware we are of our emotions, particularly on the arising of our emotions. The earlier we are able to note the arising of our emotions, we better we can manage them.

More and more researches are showing that our well-being is closely linked to our emotional and mental health. Our body’s immune system is generally enhanced by positive mental outlook and emotion. Conversely, it is depressed by negative mental and emotional states. Thus, stress, worry, anger and fear are some states that may lead to physical illnesses such as hypertension, cardiac diseases, peptic ulcers, depression and a host of other ailments.

Physical Health

To maintain an optimum physical well-being, therefore, requires us to focus not only on our body but also our mind and emotions.

On a physical level, our body can be kept healthy through adequate sleep and rest, proper nutrition, regular exercises and a healthy environment that is free from pollution.

Spiritual Health

Throughout the ages, wise men have consistently informed and taught us that we are essentially spiritual beings.

Although medical science has not been able to reveal to us our spiritual nature, there are many indirect evidence that we would be foolish to ignore. Stories from people who had gone through a near death experience (NDE), or dying people with heightened nearing death awareness, or simply a cure from an ‘incurable’ disease all suggest that there is more to life than just the physical state.

Major religions of the world all based their teachings on the belief that we are essentially spiritual beings. According to these teachings, our physical existence is secondary.

While it may be true that we should focus our life more on our spiritual nature than our physical nature, it would be difficult for the majority of people to do so, at least not immediately. Things cannot change overnight. Mindset, however, can, and that is perhaps the best place to start.

Financial Health

However, on a more mundane level, most people are still stuck on how to survive from day to day, where to get the next cheque to pay for the house installment, so on and so forth.

Practically, therefore, we need to look into ways to achieve a financial state that would theoretically free us from the constrain of ‘forced’ work. This is where the concept of financial freedom is so attractive. According to this concept, one should strive for a state where we have one or more than one source of income that can be generated passively, that is, even when we don’t work.

This is what Robert Kiyosaki termed as ‘passive income’.

According to him, passive income can only be achieved by becoming an investor or a business owner, not a sole proprietor or an employee. To become an investor or a business owner, you must spend the time and money to acquire financial intelligence. Unlike IQ or EQ, you can acquire financial intelligence through self education.

To get a financial health check-up, consult an accountant, a banker or a financial planner you can trust.

Healthy Relationship

“No man is an island, entire by itself.”

As a medical doctor, I am in a unique position to confront and comfort dying patients. One of the most important thing that I have observed is that dying people do not ask about their money or possessions. Instead, they focus their remaining energy and strength on trying to heal wounded relationships. It is as though there is an inherent need to get a proper closure to a relationship.

Thus, forming and cultivating a healthy relationship is important for our well-being. Unfortunately, this is something we often ignored until it is too late. If there is any forgiving to be done, or the need to be forgiven, leaving things to the last minutes may end up with an unfulfilled desire for a closure.

Knowing this now, shouldn’t we spend more time and effort in improving our relationship with our loved ones, especially with our parents, spouse, children and siblings?

Dr Tim Ong is a medical doctor with 15 years of experience in family medicine. He is also a speaker, trainer and counsellor in his community. He has a personal website at KlinikOng.com

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Tuesday, July 12, 2011 – Relationships

July 12, 2011 By Leave a Comment

“When we’re incomplete, we’re always searching for somebody to complete us. When, after a few years or a few months of a relationship, we find that we’re still unfulfilled, we blame our partners and take up with somebody more promising. This can go on and on–series polygamy–until we admit that while a partner can add sweet dimensions to our lives, we, each of us, are responsible for our own fulfillment. Nobody else can provide it for us, and to believe otherwise is to delude ourselves dangerously and to program for eventual failure every relationship we enter.

-  Tom Robbins

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Letting Go

July 11, 2011 By Leave a Comment

By Susan Russo -

“Let go. Why do you cling to pain? There is nothing you can do about the wrongs of yesterday. Why hold onto the very thing that keeps you from hope and love?”

-Leo Buscaglia

One of the biggest obstacles people deal with in life is letting go of the past. For many it becomes a full time job. They are so consumed with what was, what if, why, if only, etc. that not only do they NOT let go of the past, but they live in it.

It’s important to look at your life in retrospect for many different reasons. You can look back and either cherish the memories that were a part of your life which have made you who you are today. Or, you can learn from your mistakes and the mistakes of others.

It’s when you become obsessed with the past that you forfeit living your life today. The plain, hard truth is staring you in the face and there isn’t anything you can do about it now except learn from it and move on.

When you choose to live in the past you miss out on the present. Many people don’t realize that it’s a choice. They believe that their minds simply won’t stop thinking about things when in reality it is what they feed their mind that continues the obsession.

Don’t think that I am saying that there isn’t a necessary time frame which is appropriate in letting go of past hurts, love, betrayals, bad decisions and life’s adversities. But, what I am saying is that there isn’t one single thing you can do to change it so why not accept it and let go?

Life is constantly changing, circumstances change, people change; even when we don’t want them to, but when you resist what has happened, is when you struggle the most and you remain stuck in the past.

Many people will say, “I can’t stop thinking of him/her.” Or, they lie in bed at night and let the past play back in their minds like they are watching an old movie. They rehearse conversations, they relive memories, and they even project “what if” and see themselves living as if things had worked out the way they wanted.

As I said before, it is important to go over the past to learn from it. But, unless you begin to release yourself from all of the memories you will continue to feel the way you do right now.

You do this by first accepting what is. It’s over and done. Yes, it has impacted your life but that is life and if you choose not to accept what is you will prolong your agony and only torment yourself more in the process.

Next, start to realize that your life will go on and little by little whether you like it or not, this experience will become a distant memory. So why hold on to memories for dear life when eventually they will fade anyway?

It is you that is living in the past. Life is moving on and you are choosing not to go with the flow. You are keeping yourself stuck by what you think. Whatever thoughts are going through your mind about this past situation is exactly how you are going to feel.

For instance, if you are trying to let go of a past love (or substitute your situation) and feel consumed by it, when you say things like, I can’t stop thinking of him/her, I feel horrible, I will never feel the same about anyone, I will live with this person in my heart forever, etc. How do you think these thoughts are going to make you feel?

Instead, thank your Higher Power for your experience which has provided you with a valuable lesson and say, “I may have wished things turned out differently but they didn’t, I am strong and I will get beyond this like all of life’s circumstances, I will hold onto the memories that serve me in learning and I will let go and move on.”

No matter what it is, you have to decide to talk yourself through this with a more realistic approach. View it as one of life’s many lessons and know that you will get beyond this when you accept what is. You won’t get beyond it if you resist what is.

You are so busy trying to change the past, which is impossible, or trying to relive it, that you lose the most precious gift of all; life. Life is passing you by because you are living somewhere else.

If you would only open your eyes to the many blessing around you and start to appreciate them, the past wouldn’t look as appealing of a place to live. Not to mention that it is nowhere, it’s a dead end, it’s gone, over, finito, it’s in the past.

What good does it do to dwell on the past? Where does it get you? How does it make you a better person?

You choose what you think, what you say to yourself and what you feel about any given situation or circumstance by what perspective you choose to look at it with. If you choose to hold onto the past then don’t expect to live a fulfilling life today.

On the other hand, if you truly accept what is, learn from it, let go of it and move on, you will be able to embrace what is right in front of you and you can actually begin to enjoy life again.

Living with only memories and what ifs, is the ultimate waste of your time and your life. It’s totally up to you as to what you do with your life, so why not choose to live instead of dying with the past?

Letting go isn’t always easy but when you do, you can start to live now instead of then.

Susan Russo has written one of the top breakup books on the market. Her direct approach is a wake up call for anyone who is stuck in the letting go process. How would you like to move beyond the pain and start to feel like a human again? Find out how to by starting with Susan’s FREE mini report.

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A Formula for Happiness

June 5, 2011 By Leave a Comment

By Mehera Arjani -

As a behavioural psychologist and Life-skills coach, the study of happiness is important to me. Not just professionally, though a lot of my clients are in pursuit of happiness, but also spiritually and personally.

I grew up in a family that follows the Indian spiritual Master, Meher Baba. His best known quote (used by Robby McFerrin in the song ‘Don’t Worry, Be Happy’) is “Don’t worry, be happy. I love you more than you can ever love yourself.” As a child I took this quote for granted, but my belief was tested many years later, when I was going through the break-up of my marriage and subsequent divorce. One time I was with Meher Baba’s sister Mani Irani when she said to me, “Don’t think that Baba’s message to not worry and be happy is merely a feel-good saying. It is an order from your spiritual master and has to be obeyed. You owe it to Him, if not to yourself, to not worry and be happy. If anything or anyone stands between you and the carrying out of that order, you need to remove that thing or person from your life.”

Having been given such a strong directive, I had to think about my life and what exactly was making me unhappy. After a lot of heart-searching and honest evaluation I realised that the main cause of my unhappiness was not my husband at the time but my expectations of him, my marriage and our life together. As a behavioural psychologist I knew I could find a way to work through this. I would be a pretty useless behavioural psychologist if I didn’t! So I started keeping an ‘Expectations Diary’. This was a small notebook that fit into a pocket and had a pencil tucked in the spine. Each time I had an expectation, no mater how small – the toast will turn out just as I like it, I’ll not hit too much traffic on my way to work, my son will not track mud through the house, my husband will remember to say ‘thank you’ for the meal I cooked – I made a mark in the diary, a five-bar code. If it was a big expectation, I wrote a bit about it, but mostly the book was filled with five-bar codes. At the start I had well over 750 expectation incidents a day. No wonder I was unhappy!

Day after day over a period of five years I reduced my expectations. My husband did not, so we ended up separating and eventually divorcing. But I ended up with between 250 and 150 expectation incidents a day. No matter how I tried I couldn’t get them down further. But it worked! I was happier than I had ever been. People started noticing that I was more positive and had a much more realistic approach to life and they began to ask how they could achieve the same results in their own lives.

So far I had ignored reality, and only focused on expectations, but I looked at how reality impacted on the level of happiness in my life and I came to the conclusion that there is an almost scientific formula for happiness:

HAPPINESS = REALITY / EXPECTATIONS or H = R/E

We have two ways of increasing the happiness in our lives. The one I had used was a reduction process, I reduced my expectations and increased my happiness. But there is a second way. You can expand your reality by setting and achieving realistic goals to become more qualified, wealthy, popular or whatever. A lot of my clients were over-achievers, and reducing their expectations was very difficult for them. So we had to work out a programme of expanding their reality side by side with cutting out some of their more extreme expectations. The perspective needed to shift from merely looking at overt success – professional growth, promotions, big contracts, more business, more money – to real success. The apparently successful had to look behind their outward achievements to the desolation in their personal lives – the broken marriages, failed relationships, estranged or neglected parents and children, lack of true friendships and a hollow spiritual core – and decide if they really wanted to be happy. Did their inner happiness mean enough to them to sacrifice some of the outer trappings of material success? If they could honestly answer in the affirmative, we worked together, if not they had to find another therapist. Over the years I have helped a lot of individuals move towards real happiness, not just for themselves but also the people they care about. They in turn have gone on to spread the message of the Happiness Formula to others.

In case you are thinking, “What on earth did she do with the Expectation Diaries?” After five years I had quite a few collected, so I burnt them. I had a great time symbolically saying goodbye to the obstacles to my happiness. There is something of an arsonist in most of us that loves a good bonfire, I think.

Meher Baba Quote courtesy of Avatar Meher Baba Perpetual Public Charitable Trust (AMBPPCT)
Article copyright Mehera Arjani

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April 15, 2011 – Relationships

April 15, 2011 By Leave a Comment

“You can’t stop loving or wanting to love because when its right, it’s the best thing in the world. When you’re in a relationship and it’s good, even if nothing else in your life is right, you feel like your whole world is complete.”

- Keith Sweat

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Dating the Second Time Around: Finding Love that Lasts: A Review

April 15, 2011 By Leave a Comment

By Irene Conlan -

Dating the Second Time Around: Finding Love that Lasts. Dr. Gian Gonzaga, General Editor. eHarmony, 2010, 224 pages.  http://www.eharmony.co.uk

This book takes you from insecurity about meeting someone new through the dating process to doing what it takes to make a committed relationship work. After reading through to the last page, my initial thoughts about this book are:

  • I wish  I had written it
  • I wish I had read it before I got married years ago and before I became interested in a new relationship as a senior citizen. (Yep, even seniors are looking for love and companionship. I think it may not be too late to start the searching process all over based on this wonderful new information.)

This is a book of common sense. Unfortunately, sometimes in matters of the heart, common sense goes flying out the window and we think we can maneuver those treacherous waters of romance alone. Sometimes we can and sometimes we cannot.  This book helps us know when and how to maneuver and when to back off or even run, not walk, to the nearest exit.

Gonzage states that this book is based on “years of research into what makes relationships work” and he and his team have included a lot of solid “dos and don’ts” and wonderful examples of couples who found each other “the second time around.”  It is interesting and informative – a “must read” for those who are about to venture into the uncharted area of a new relationship after a failed marriage or failed relationship and/or years of being alone or raising children alone.

Actually, this book should be “must reading” for anyone beginning any relationship regardless of their relationship history. It would be a great gift for wedding officiants to give their prospective bride and groom with the words, “There will be a quiz” before we schedule the wedding. As a minister who has officiated at many weddings, and has read a number of “marriage manuals.” I find the information in  Dating the Second Time Around to be the most realistic and the most helpful. As a therapist who blogs about “Self Improvement” I find solid advice in these pages that works for anyone.  I think especially of the information about handling disagreements and the strategies for a successful relationship. These work for singles as well as couples and in the workplace as well as at home. It is stated: “If you are able to discuss openly and honestly any issues that arise, if you learn how to argue fairly, and manage each other’s emotional expectations you and your partner will be better equipped to weather any relationship storm ahead.” I say, “Right on!”

Some of the highlights for me were:

  • Strategies for a  Successful Relationship
  • Signs you are with the right person
  • How to resolve a conflict
  • Test you own relationship

If the only thought people take from this book is the advice to “choose happiness over your need to be right,” then reading it would be time well spent. The truth is that this book has packed into 224 pages what many don’t learn in a lifetime and these pages contain wisdom and practical advice that can save relationships and spare individuals and couples times of misery and pain.

If I had to rate this book on a five-star rating in regard to relevance, helpfulness and readability I would give it six. Do I need to say that I highly recommend this book?

For information about e-Harmony click http://www.eharmony.co.uk or for the U.S.  http://www.emarmony.com

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March 16, 2011 – Relationships

March 16, 2011 By Leave a Comment

“You can’t stop loving or wanting to love because when its right, it’s the best thing in the world. When you’re in a relationship and it’s good, even if nothing else in your life is right, you feel like your whole world is complete.”

~ Keith Sweat

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Love and Friendship: Finding the Balance

March 16, 2011 By Leave a Comment

By e-Harmony UK -

Having a close network of friends around you is incredibly important to your well-being. Friends support us through thick and thin – through unsuitable boyfriends, disaster haircuts and bad job interviews. Friendship is one of the most stable things in our topsy-turvy lives. However, all too often, even the best friendships can be torn apart by romance. A new suitor will come on to the scene, and for one reason or another, they will get in the way of life-long chums. As Shakespeare so aptly puts it in Much Ado About Nothing: “Friendship is constant in all other things, save in the office and affairs of love.”

So how do you overcome this problem and make sure your love life never clashes with friendships? Here are a few pointers…

Split your time evenly…

When you get a new love interest, monitor the amount of time you spend with them. Is it significantly more than the time you’re now spending with friends? If so, then you really need to cut it down. Remember that friends are just as important as – if not more than – your new match. They’ve been there from the beginning and will be there to pick up the pieces if it all goes belly up! Just make sure you put aside enough time for each party.

Maintain communication…

Be quick to reply to people and try to stay in contact as much as possible. If you haven’t seen a friend in a while, pick up the phone and see how they are. Keeping in contact will keep the friendships stable and show that you care – even if you are spending a lot of time with your partner. Also, it’s important to maintain communication with your other half when you’re hanging out with your mates. They won’t want to feel neglected either. Pick up your Blackberry and send them a nice Facebook message – you’re sure to be tech savvy if you met them through free dating sites!

Don’t change plans at the last minute…

The biggest test of friendships is unreliability. Putting off seeing your friend to go on a last-minute hot date is really not cool. Never put off plans with a friend at the last minute – the damage you could do might be irrevocable. It will make them feel second best and unworthy of your time.

Integrate the two worlds…

The best possible way to avoid any squabbles and misunderstandings is to make sure your friends become your partner’s friends and vice versa. This way you can all spend time together and you won’t have to choose between the two worlds!

Whether you met your partner through an online dating Birmingham website or through work, don’t let your love life ruin your friendships. If you keep the above in mind, your partner and your friends will soon be getting on like a house on fire!

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Handling Criticism – “Do’s” and “Don’ts”

March 15, 2011 By 3 Comments

handling criticismBy Steve Wickham -

We all struggle with criticism. It’s plain hurtful to hear someone tell us where we’re going wrong, where we must improve, or where they’d like to see us change. It happens in workplaces, in homes, in schools, in every sphere of life: criticism everywhere. How do we deal with it in a positive manner?

If there is one thing we could all do with is learning how to cope better with criticism. This is what a doctor of psychology said at a recent workshop I facilitated. She went on to say that most if not all relationship and life problems emanate from poor communication. Here is a list of ideas to assist you in dealing with criticism:

1. All criticism has at least a hint of truth, so listen with open ears and an open heart. You might learn something about yourself that others see but you don’t.

2. Respect the person delivering the criticism as it inevitably requires courage to give this feedback (provided they’re not being spiteful). Thank them for taking the risk — it’s risky business being the bearer of bad news.

3. Think in terms of what you can learn, about yourself of course, but also about other people and their reactions to you. You can also learn more about the person delivering the criticism i.e. what did they do well in their negative feedback (pick things you can emulate), and what did they do poorly (which you would want to avoid doing).

4. Don’t get hung up emotionally. Try and remain objective. Try and see the issue from a third party viewpoint. You will have time to reflect on this feedback, and that too is not a time to become too negatively emotional. Don’t develop a grudge; grudges help no-one, least of all you! (This applies 100% of the time from my experience.)

5. Set yourself a goal of being open to all feedback. Make it your policy. In the early days it will be hard to apply but if you don’t give up you’ll eventually begin to thrive on all feedback, be it negative or positive.

When you do accept criticism well and just try your best to respond in the way you’re requested to, you’ll actually find yourself in the path of praise and positive feedback — there are not many people who are good at this you see. You’ll stand out in a positive way. Most people would prefer to whinge and complain about their treatment… and where does this get them? (Refer to my comment earlier; grudges help no-one.)

Your highest goal should be to relate well. A big part of this is dealing effectively and coping well with criticism. It takes maturity and maturity is only developed with practise. Stay positive and you can grow and blossom in ways that you would not believe. Imagine not ever needing to hold a grudge. Imagine genuinely respecting everyone you meet and relate with. Imagine being strong enough not to be the slightest bit crushed by a harsh word.

Being good at coping with criticism can be all yours. Set yourself a goal to be a good receiver of criticism. Learn to cope well. The world will be your oyster.

Copyright © 2008, Steven John Wickham. All Rights Reserved Worldwide.

Steve Wickham is a safety and health professional (BSc) and a qualified lay Christian minister (GradDipDiv). He is also has training and leadership Diplomas. His passion in vocation is facilitation and coaching; encouraging people to soar to a higher value of their potential.

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