It sounds like a childishly simple question with an obvious answer. But is it? The only way to know is to ask yourself, and listen carefully to your answer.
Titles such as “Husband”, “Mother”, “Student”, are easy replies. But do these titles actually define who you are at the core? Have you always been a husband or a mother? These are definitions we adopt in an effort to define our relationship to others and society. They provide a comforting identity, and help to steer each moment of our day within predictable boundaries.
The topic of mid-life crises has been discussed and researched at great length. It has become a hallmark of the “Baby Boomer” generation’s later-life confrontation with the insufficiency of archetypal definitions.
Empty Nest Syndrome is another studied phenomenon that results from the last child leaving home for a life of their own. Typically an issue for mothers, it can actually occur with nearly any uncontrollable shift in domestic identity; male or female.
Less studied is the lament of many college-aged students, as they search for an identity through the classes they take; the major they declare; the friends they keep; and the career they attempt to launch. It’s a painful and confusing process that can feel like you’re wearing a big sign proclaiming immaturity, low self-esteem, or just lost.
“Boomers” are living longer and healthier than their parents, and the cascading changes the world is undergoing, raises the need to understand one’s relevance to a new paradigm. Somewhere embedded in “Who am I”, is the answer to the disquieting sense that the old stereotypes are no longer useful or true.
There are always a few in anyone’s sphere of friends and acquaintances who seem have “found their calling” at an early age. Why these fortunate few have been blessed with such clarity, is neither understood nor studied. But instead of thinking of these people as somehow better than or more fortunate than you, consider that they may never have the clarity or growth that comes from struggling to find the answer.
Most, who confront the question for whatever reason, draw a disquieting blank. If I’m not what I always thought I was, then am I nothing? Perhaps buying a Corvette will help. Or something by Gucci could create an identity. A great deal of humor has been lobbed at the mid-life sufferer, but as you ponder this question for yourself, perhaps you’ll find compassion for the confused seeker. It’s not a laughing matter when it hurts.
Each of us becomes aware of “being” at a very early age through interaction with our environment. Hopefully, we learn we’re loved and protected. We learn we belong to a small group called “family”. And so it goes in life as we add more and more external evidence that creates identity.
If you’re uncertain of the validity of your identity, put it to the test. Consider what happens when you learn your parents are divorcing. Here then is a significant change in identity, because you are no longer a member of a family. This is one reason why divorces can be devastating to young people who have not yet launched a life of their own. They rely upon their identity as son or daughter in order to know who they are.
Is our identity the result of accumulated assumptions accrued throughout life? Consider for a moment that at each stage of life, identity markers served an important purpose. Sometimes they’re bad, but more often they’re an essential stabilizing force.
Life is an evolution of perception and understanding. Only when abrupt or dramatic changes happen, are we shaken. Most of us handle a gentle evolution in stride, and easily find elements of comfort in a newly altered identity. So we know we can make changes to our identity, and we’re not stuck with the accumulated assumptions of life thus far.
How then, might one look for the markers of one’s true identity. It’s actually easier than might appear on the surface. It begins by looking for answers at the most fundamental level, and will involve multiple answers.
Question: Who am I?
Answer: I am a person with a strong work ethic
Answer: I am a person who loves playing baseball
Answer: I am a person who finds fulfillment in caring for others
Answer: I enjoy social encounters
The serious seeker of answers to this question may want to make a flip-chart on which answers are written over a period of days. Keep the answers simple, and always go in search to the deepest feelings. Stand back from the flip chart and look at the whole as a test of whether your answers are at the core, and not built upon assumptions you felt life demanded of you. This is about being truthful about you.
When the list is as complete as you can make it, look for the common thread that connects each one with the other. Using the four answers above, you might see that you value honesty, teamwork, compassion, and community.
Next, rate each answer with the amount of time you spend each day, engaged in expressing that value. Ideally, you should be spending 65% of each day finding satisfaction in one or more of these core sentiments.
If you’re not meeting that 65% threshold, consider changing one thing about your day that will nudge you closer to the ideal. It might be as simple as rearranging your daily routine to make it more efficient, allowing you to indulge in satisfying activities.
You may also decide that some answers you’re not that proud of. For these, you may want to seek advice about how to make changes. Only when we are living the majority of our answers, are we truthful to ourselves, others, and in harmony with the innate need to express ourselves.
Humans have the greatest capacity to spontaneously adapt their behavior, of any life form. And at the same time, fear curtails much or most of that flexibility. Understanding how fear works is a significant component to making changes.
Most of us emerged from childhood believing that if we’re perfect, we have nothing to fear. But as your perception of the world embraces more possibilities of what can go wrong, fear intrudes, creating a hapless victim of life. Perfection, no longer saves the day.
In today’s focus on child welfare, abuse is the primary marker for intervention. Thankfully, as a society, we seem to be making inroads into identifying child abuse methods for intervening. Shielding a child against further injury is an essential part of our social and moral obligations.
But what about the abuse inflicted by the process of living? There are many ways by which we can feel victimized by life. Disease, poverty, oppression, and discrimination are just a few. Who do we arrest, sue, or slug to stop the faceless oppressor of our life? It would probably feel wonderful if there were some action we could take to seek justice.
The “court” for litigating this, is inside each of us. That part of litigation called “Discovery” is where you are right now. As the Defendant, witnessing to the inventory of your personal profile, you create the clarity necessary to evince your innocence and abiding perfection.
This empowers you to “make a deal” with the District Attorney. By making changes in accordance with your true nature as testified in “court”, the D.A. will cease and desist. Everyone wins.
The gulf between what we think we need to be and what we truly are is fertile ground for the seeds of victimization by life. When life doesn’t provide the response we expect from a false identity, we perceive victimization by a power much greater than ourselves.
Walking through life is a journey of discovery, change, and courage. Remove fear from each one of these, and you can relax the grasp on that which is false and no longer seen as true. The first step in removing fear, is to answer the question, “Who am I?”
Copyright 2011 Stephen L. Adams
Steve Adams is a veteran of diverse career paths spanning more than forty years. The author of numerous record reviews and self-improvement articles, he is also a storyteller, humorist, and philosopher.
Website http://stephenladams.com
Blog http://steveincarmel.wordpress.com/
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