By Irene Conlan -

The other day I stopped by the library to pick up a few books I had reserved and I decided to browse a bit. I love libraries and searching through the stacks to see what they have. I love the “library smell” of old books and the quietness as well as the feeling of being surrounded by old friends.  I paused at the psychology section and one book seemed to shout at me from the shelf, “Hey, pick me! Pick me!”

I did.  I took it off the shelf and couldn’t put it down.

Surrendering to Yourself: You Are Your Own Soul Mate by Iris Krasnow was a fascinating read for me. It’s about knowing who you are apart from your relationships and your employment. It was prompted by her wondering – and fearing – what her life would be like when her children left the nest. Who would she be then?

This is a dilemma faced by many parents whose lives are invested in and entangled with the lives of their children when it’s time for the children to leave home and begin their own journey through life. It is also a dilemma faced by professionals who, when they retire, have no identity apart from what they’ve been doing for the past fifty years.  “What do I do now?” they wonder and don’t have a clue where to turn.

Krasnow talks about discovering and nurturing the soul. She says:

It is impossible to hear the soul if you don’t stop, even for a day or two, and disconnect from the world.  I mean really disconnect. From email and faxes and beepers and connect with what is crying out inside of you. I am clear of my own cry right now, and it is to discover a self beyond the labels mom, wife, writer. Whatever titles you hold, parent, attorney, teacher, nurse – make sure you too are trying to know the self beyond, parent, attorney, teacher, nurse – make sure you too are trying to know the self beyond your job description.

Your children are not you.  Your spouse is not you. Your job is not you. And until you consciously go there, dig there, move the other stuff out of the way for a while and hang out with yourself, the you of truth remains a buried jewel.

Many of us face an identity crisis sometime in our waltz through life. The music changes its beat and we don’t know how to dance to it.  Crises of “who am I?” and “What am I supposed to do now?” sometimes follow a major life change such as divorce, child birth, children leaving home, graduation, change of job or profession, the death of a loved one. Or it can emerge when you realize with a shock that your life is on hold, that you’re living on automatic pilot, cruising through the days without noticing much of what is going on around you. It happens,too, when one day you look in the mirror and realize that you have grown old and, searching through your mind and emotions, find that your goals have been met, most of your dreams have been realized and now what? (Find new goals and new dreams, of course. What fun!).

I was looking for more material on self esteem – something new, perhaps some  “how tos” for this blog. I didn’t find it in this book.

What I did find was a warm, down-to-earth, life story by a brilliant writer who had the courage to bare her soul for all of us to see and know. She tells her own story and includes fascinating and personal narratives by many others. While she doesn’t give you bullet points on how to become acquainted with your own soul, she leads by example and leaves you with a longing to find a quiet place and get started on this great adventure.

It seems to me that If you get to know yourself at a soul level, the problem of poor self esteem will be resolved and you can begin to live your life flat out. We’ll be talking more about this in the days to come.

I highly recommend this book for anyone who is sincerely interested in personal growth and the exciting exploration of their own soul.

Krasnow, Iris. Surrendering to Yourself: You Are Your Own soul Mate. Miramax Books. N.Y. 2003. It’s in libraries, bookstores and Amazon.com.