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Leverage Your Best – Forget the Rest

November 15, 2010 By 1 Comment

By Lynn Banis -

We are always talking about improving our weaknesses. Why? So we can have better weaknesses? There is very little chance they will turn into strengths so why not focus on honing our strengths and managing our weaknesses? Most of us are not motivated to do the stuff we are bad at anyway.

We are all wired differently and we all have different gifts. It makes much more sense to focus on the things we are gifted in – that is what we have to give the world. Instead we spend so much time, effort and money on trying to make people something they aren’t. There is a real fallacy in the notion that we can be anything we want to be. That just is not true. I cannot be a professional basketball player if I don’t have the body, the skill set and the right mindset – no matter how much I want it. So lets get real here.

It is time that we celebrate what each individual has and leverage those strengths for the good of everyone. One reason we have teams is so that the different skills can come together to make the whole group better than the individuals in the team. The same is true of families and various other groups. Embracing differences gives each of us something we do not have on our own. I am not a concert pianist but I can certainly enjoy the skills of someone who is. You may not be a speaker but perhaps you can write speeches for someone who is.

Part of the reason there is so much stress and anxiety in our culture is that we think we have to be all things to all people and that we have to do everything we try well. Let’s take some of the unrealistic stress off. Look at what we have done to our children. Their days are programmed down to the last minute with this lesson and that lesson, with this practice and that practice, with this club and that club. Oh, and don’t forget time to have a job and do homework. All that counts on the college application after all. When do we have time to live?

If we focused more on the real value and skills we have to offer we would be able to feel more in control and live more productive lives. We would not feel so out of balance and we would not feel we have to strive so hard to be good at everything. Let’s learn to value our strengths and those of other people and then learn how to leverage each others’ strengths for the good of everyone. Who is going to get off this crazy merry-go-round and help us take a broader perspective on life?

About the Author:

Lynn Banis PhD, MCC is known as America’s High Performance Coach. She specializes in helping executives and entrepreneurs make the most of their opportunities and potential. Her years of working with small and large businesses has given her a depth of knowledge that is invaluable to her clients. You can reach her at http://www.discoverypointcoaching.com or lynn@discoverypointcoaching.com. Also check out Lynn’s other businesses: Coach Academy Texas, a cutting edge coach training company; and Turnkey Coaching Solutions, a coaching program management and contract coach staffing company.

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Tell the Truth to Power

October 12, 2010 By 2 Comments

By Neil Tepper -

Roger Federer is considered by many as the best tennis player of our time. Judging by the records he holds, the money he’s won and the respect he’s earned, no one is a better overall player than Roger Federer. And, Roger Federer has a coach.

Why would the best tennis player in the world – or any top athlete – need a coach?  The answer is simple: because he can’t see his own swing. In fact, a coach in golf is called a “swing coach.”

Each of us has our own, unique swing: our talents and expertise; our physical presence; our personality; our spiritual being. Each of us brings this package of who we are to our jobs, to our relationships and to how we approach every aspect of our lives.

Yet, regardless of our strengths and accomplishments, each of us has a blind side that prevents us from seeing our own swing.

People who want to excel in life know this. That’s why personal improvement books and websites are so popular. No doubt, that’s why we’re meeting here at The Self Improvement Blog.

Corporate leaders also know this. That’s why the smartest and most determined of them gather accomplished people around them, so there is no part of the organization’s “business swing” that remains unseen.

In my role as a business and creativity coach, I work with “C” level executives and other people in leadership roles to help them improve their “swing.” This select group is serious about their work. They can often intimidate outsiders who don’t understand the rules of power.

People in such exalted positions don’t usually like to be corrected or hear the word “no.” But, these powerful, super-achievers know they need to be disagreed with and challenged.

Indeed, the strongest and brightest leaders seek diverging perspectives from people who are not afraid to “tell the truth to power.” They need – and are grateful for –  the truth. As one of my clients said to me after I gave him feedback on a presentation he was going to make to the Board of Directors of The Coca-Cola Company, “Thank you for pushing me to be my best.”

If you want to operate at your own highest level, you need to tell the truth to powerful people. And, you need to want to hear the truth from others. Sometimes, it’s uncomfortable to do either. But as long as you hold back from it, you are not serving your superiors and colleagues – and you are impeding your own advancement to success.

Ultimately, the most important person you will ever need to tell the truth to is yourself. If you can say it – and hear it – you will be much more effective in your work life and happier in the whole of your life.

You will say to yourself or to your coach: “Thank you for pushing me to be my best.”

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Be Yourself – Live Without Fear – Love Life

October 10, 2010 By 1 Comment

By Ariole K Alei -

These are the amazing words of one of Shirley MacLaine’s guides, as disclosed to her in one of her many vibrant, soul-revealing books.

When you think of someone who loves life, what do you think of? Someone who

o is passionate about being alive?

o is their authentic self?

o dances to their own drummer?

o appears fearless?

Being fearless, being our authentic self, and loving life all go hand in hand. They are like close and intimate cousins. As allies, they propel each other into existence.

How can you become more alive and in love with life?

1. Notice the ways in which you wear costumes and masks – ways that you ‘protect’ yourself and ‘hide’ yourself, through nervous laughter, a tough persona, stoic independence, or appearing to ‘not care’ as examples. Be real. Be honest – with yourself and thus with the world. Open your heart. Love more.

2. Notice the ways in which you are tough on yourself. How critical are you – both in how you relate to yourself and how you internally speak to yourself? Love yourself more. Be compassionate toward yourself. Be caring and gentle toward yourself. There is nothing inherently wrong with you – no matter who you are.

3. Uncover your passion for life. Brighten your inner light bulb. There is nothing beautiful or admirable about a person who is dull. You are not dull. You may allow yourself to behave shyly, or appear disinterested. These are merely conditioned ways of ‘playing safe’. Take a risk. Go for it. Do something that you’ve always been curious about or have wanted to explore. Now’s the time. Today is when you are truly living.

4. Notice when you feel scared or afraid. Ask yourself, “What am I afraid of?” In doing so you ‘shine the light of consciousness on’ what was looming over you and controlling your comfort and ease and love of life. Once you reveal it, notice how it shrinks – how you ‘disarm it’ by simply becoming aware of it. You put it into perspective. As you realize what it is that you’re afraid of, ask yourself, “What can I do to move forward toward what I want, even while I feel a little bit afraid?” It’s as if you take the fear by its hand – just like you would a child – and gently bring it with you. It stops screaming. It stops attempting to manipulate you and steal your attention. It stops freezing you. … It comes with you … And both you and it discover the joys of what it is that you want to explore and discover. It and you love life.

5. Take time to explore what your heart yearns for. This is your soul giving you ‘clues’ of what will make you really, really happy and fulfilled. Notice when you tend to deny the calling of your soul – your desire to explore things, your desire to experience things. Pay more attention to giving your soul what it is calling for – and you will discover that you are Being Yourself – Loving Life – and Living Without Fear!

Ariole K. Alei is a Tele Class Leader, Keynote Speaker, Coach and Author of 7 books. She is the Co-Founder with her husband Colin Hillstrom of HeartSong Matchmaking – “the world’s first holistic meeting site for singles interested in spirituality and ecology” and its ‘sister’ – HeartSong Life and Relationship Training. She leads international Tele Classes on a variety of topics. [http://www.heartsongmatchmaking.com/]

http://www.HeartSongSolutions.ca

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Denial – Definitely not a river in Egypt

March 26, 2010 By 8 Comments

boatBy Irene Conlan -

I was with some people the other day who have some serious problems with drugs and alcohol – two men and two women. Each was in trouble with their family and friends. Each had lost significant income because of their drinking. Each had lost a number of jobs. Each had been convicted of a DUI  – two had spent time in jail. They had all these things in common and they had something else in common – denial. “I like to drink but I’m not out of control,” voiced one who received agreement from the others. “I’ve just had a run of bad luck,” said another to the affirming nods of the other three.  “I can stop drinking any time I want to,” they all agreed effusively. When I asked, “Then, why don’t you stop and get your lives in order” I was met with blank expressions. No response. They are in denial.

Denial is what psychiatry  terms a “coping mechanism” or a “defense mechanism.” It is a way of dealing with life that gives you some degree of comfort without having to face the problem. But the problem remains.

The Nile is a river in Egypt. Denial is a refusal to face the problem. It’s a river, though – a river of distorted thinking, refusal to face the facts, disbelief regardless of evidence. It is a flood of trouble, a gusher of pain for the one in denial and all those around him or her.

The beginning of self improvement in any area is overcoming denial and admitting the need for change. It sounds like this:

  • I drink too much and I need to stop because I make such bad decisions when I’m drunk.
  • I depend on drugs to get me through the day and it isn’t working any more.
  • It seems like I’m always in a rage and I can’t stand the way I feel most of the time.
  • My desk drawer is full of the things I put off doing. I’m afraid I’ll lose my job because of my procrastination.
  • I don’t seem to be able to tell the truth. I lie when the truth would serve me better.
  • I eat everything I can get my hands on and then try to convince even myself that I don’t overeat.
  • I show up late for every appointment and I’ve lost big contracts because I don’t organize my time.
  • I spend too much time playing computer games and I don’t get my work done on time.
  • Most of us have something we’re in denial with. What’s on your list?

Self improvement starts with the admission that a problem exists and help is wanted/needed. The request for help can be directed to a friend, a professional counselor or your self. (No progress can be achieved without the involvement/commitment of self).

The next step would be to identify strengths and, yes, weaknesses. We all have weaknesses and knowing what they are helps us avoid pitfalls – stay away from wallowing in them. Simply identify them and move on. Ask yourself the questions:

  • What is right about me?
  • What is good about me?
  • What do I do best?
  • What do I like the most?
  • What do other people like about me? (You can ask your friends for help here)

Work on this absolutely every day for at least a month. Find everything you can think of that’s good about you, that you do well, that you enjoy Stay in the positive. DO NOT let your mind wander off into the mine field of negativity.

Find things to do that make you feel good about yourself. In other words, help someone else. For example:

  • Volunteer to help in a charitable event
  • Visit the elderly at a nursing home
  • Volunteer to help in the local food bank
  • Help a single mother by offering to babysit now and then
  • Google volunteer opportunities in your area/zip code and find one that fits your talents and abilities

Allow yourself room for failure and don’t beat yourself up if you mess up. Start again. And again. And again. Whatever it takes.

Monitor your thinking. Become aware of  your negative thinking voiced in negative statements that start with words like Can’t, Won’t,  Could, Should, Never, Always. Notice the times you put yourself down and learn to accept a compliment. Compliment yourself.

This takes time, but at some point you will realize that deep change is taking place. That you feel different – better, actually. Your life has taken on a positive approach, some meaningful service, a different kind of self control.

To reiterate, the starting place to change unwanted behavior is

1. Admit you have a need to change

2. Find your unique strengths and weaknesses

3. Immerse yourself in positive thinking

4. Do something worthwhile to help others

5. Give yourself room to fail without beating yourself up

Over time you will find big payoff for these practices.

The alternative is to continue paddling up stream on the river called de-nial and never reach a place to dock your boat.

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Let’s Focus on Self Esteem – Part III Courage

January 5, 2010 By Leave a Comment

firefighterBy Irene Conlan -

Two friends were walking along the road together and suddenly came upon a group of children who were about to be attacked by a vicious dog. One grabbed a large stick by the side of the road to defend the children and scare off the dog while the other one stood and watched. It isn’t hard to determine which one had courage. We admire people who are brave and who defend us and others who cannot defend themselves – the military, firemen, policemen, paramedics, etc. We cheer in movies when the brave “good guy” wins.

Today we will focus on the strength group representing Courage. In the courage group are

  • Valor and bravery
  • Perseverance/Industry/Diligence
  • Integrity/Genuineness/Honesty

Valor and Bravery – we all have our own idea of bravery and generally we think of our men and women in the military defending us on foreign fields. Most of them are truly brave and we should be grateful for them always. They, and others, put themselves in harm’s way in our behalf on a regular basis. They are in true physical danger and face it regularly.

Those who stand up for what they believe even if it isn’t popular are also brave – they are morally brave. Martin Luther certainly fit this category as well as our founding fathers who stood against the king of England. Martyrs who died for their faith and those who didn’t flinch when their beliefs were threatened are examples of this kind of bravery. It takes great courage to stand alone against a crowd.

There are also those who are psychologically brave. I work with a group that helps those who are grieving the loss of a wheelchairloved one. There are those who want to throw in the towel right away – they want to die rather than pick up the pieces and they expect everyone to help them.  On the other hand, there are those who have suffered multiple losses and serious setbacks, who get up and go on, active in their own healing. These are the brave ones.  When serious illness strikes there are those who crumble and those who stand and fight it and at the same time reach out to help others.  I knew a woman named Joni Erickson Tada who, a quadriplegic since a diving accident as a young woman, faced life again and learned to paint brilliantly with a brush between her teeth and became an inspiration to millions. This is courage.

We do not all have the strength of bravery but we so admire those who do. Where do you fit?

Integrity/Genuineness/Honesty

I can’t say this better than Selegman who, in Authentic Happiness says:

You are an honest person, not only by speaking the truth but by living your life in a genuine and authentic way. You are down to earth and without pretense; you are a  “real” person. By integrity and genuineness I mean more than just telling the truth to others. I mean representing yourself – your intentions and commitments – to others and to yourself in sincere fashion, whether by word or deed. “To Thine own self, bge true, and thou canst not then be false to any man.” (Authentic Happiness, p. 147)

There was once someone in my life who had a habit of lying – even when it didn’t serve any purpose for him. I would hear  him telling a lie even when the truth would have been better in the situation. I asked him once why he did that and he couldn’t answer me. It was a long standing habit and he wasn’t interested in changing it. I came to distrust everything he said and soon was not able to stay in that friendship. He as dishonest in other things as well and hurt many others because of his lack of integrity – mainly he hurt himself. He made big claims about himself but didn’t walk his talk.

Sometimes it takes great courage to stand for what you believe to be the truth and it takes real bravery to be true to yourself when everyone around you urges you to be “someone else.”

There are courageous people all around us. Are you one of them?

Is courage one of your strengths?

Recommended reading:

Authentic Happiness Using the New Positive Psychology to Realize Your Poetential for Lasting Fulfillment, Martin E.P Seligman, N.Y., Free Press, 2002.

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Let’s Focus on Self Esteem – Part II Wisdom and Knowledge

January 4, 2010 By Leave a Comment

cautionBy Irene Conlan -

Some years ago there was a skit on Saturday Night Live with Gilda Radner modeling “Jewish Jeans.”  As I recall they had a big star of David on the back pocket where designers put their name or logo. She paraded all over the set showing off her Jewish Jeans and, finally, one of the other characters asked her, “Do you have to be Jewish to wear Jewish Jeans.” Her reply? “No, but it helps.”

Self esteem is like that. Do you have to have high self esteem to be successful? No, but it helps. Some people are driven by the need to “prove themselves” and they become highly successful but perhaps not highly happy. Self esteem, it seems to me, is one of  the important ingredients in happiness – can you be truly happy if you don’t like yourself much?  One of the ways to improve your self esteem is to recognize and utilize your strengths. Isn’t it true that when you’re feeling really strong in some area, that you are happier?

We are going to use the strengths outlined by Positive Psychology. If you haven’t read the first article in this series, go back to the home page and look for the man in the mirror. The first group of strengths are the WKs – the Wisdom and Knowledge Strengths.

I think of my five year old grandson when I think about this grouping of strengths. He said to me not long ago, “Grandma, I want to know everything.” “Everything about what?” I asked. “Everything about everything, ” was his answer. He went on to opine that by the time  he hits thirteen he should know everything. Don’t we all wish? The strengths are listed in progressive order – Jack definitely demonstrates the first two.

Wisdom and Knowledge

1, Curiosity/Interest in the world
2. Love of learning
3 Judgment/Critical thinking/Open mindednes
4. Ingenuity/Originality/Practical Intelligence/Street Smarts
5. Social intelligence/Personal Intelligence/Emotional Intelligence
6. Perspective

Curiosity is being involved with the new, the novel, the unexpected -not being thrown by things that are different. People strong in this trait are seldom if ever bored because they look for things to investigate. Are you curious or do you just let things happen around you without questioning?  Do you have to know what makes things tick? Do you want to know the answer to “who, what, when where and why”?

Love of Learning is just what it says. Do you love school, love learning anywhere you find something new? Do you continue to investigator new avenues of interest? Have you developed a topic that you’re expert in and people seek you out for your opinion? Do you love museums and bask in the smell of an old library? Do you hold the belief that you’re never too old (or too anything for that matter) to learn?

Judgment/Critical thinking/Open mindednes. Do you jump to conclusions of do you  examine all sides of  the issue before you make a decision based on your findings? Many assume they know the answer or the solution without thinking it through.  Many have closed their mind to anything new on some subjects or issues and don’t leave room for new answers or varied solutions. Does the statement, “He gets all his exercise by jumping to conclusions” apply to you? I will stick my neck out and say that the two areas most likely to foster closed mindedness are religion and politics.”MY church is the only true one and MY political party is correct regardless of who is in office” are sometime not only though but adamantly proclaimed by some. Do you have areas of close mindedness or are you open to new ideas, new approaches, new information, new insights?

Ingenuity/Originality/Practical Intelligence/Street Smarts Here’s where the rubber meets the road. Seligman calls this strength “practical intelligence, common sense or street smarts.” (Authentic Happiness, p. 143) How many people do you know who seem to have brilliant minds but can’t change a light bulb or make a good decision? I was married to a man who was a genius at political strategy but simply couldn’t do every day things like  mow the lawn. (The only time he did that, he almost cut his hand off because he reached in too pull clogged grass out while the mower was running.) I have two sons – both exceptionally bright. One, even as a tiny child, could build anything. The other one had difficulty stacking blocks and putting legos together. But that was o.k. He would let his brother do the building – and even supervise it -and then he would  pretend he was an airplane and bomb them. As an adult  he has learned to build and fix things well but his great strength is in his ingenuity and originality. He thinks way ahead of the times and has to wait for everyone else to catch up. He is the most creative thinker I have ever met. What about you? Are your strengths in this area?

Social intelligence/Personal Intelligence/Emotional Intelligence is an understanding of yourself and others. It is knowing your own likes and dislikes, identifying and understanding your own emotions and the emotions of others, and taking the proper action to deal with them. Easier said than done. Some people are so introspective and self absorbed that they hardly know anyone else is around, much less know how those others are feeling. Some are so flighty and other-oriented that they aren’t aware of either their own or others emotions – everything seems superficial. To understand more about emotional intelligence view the second video of this week by Daniel Goleman  or read his book, Emotional Intelligence. Seligman states, “Personal intelligence consists in finely tuned access of  this strength. Are you aware of your emotions and the emotions of others and know how to deal with them in daily life?

Perspective singles you out as the “go to” person in your area of expertise. It makes you the “wise one” who can put everything together and come to a solution that  no one else may have seen. Again, my son is a “wise one” in the areas of business management, political strategy, corporate structure, advertising strategy – anything that requires putting together ideas and people from your own and other fields to create something new. He amazes me on a daily basis. If you want a new perspective on your own business, political campaign, corporation or foundation, or advertising campaiagn he’s your “go to” guy. He is the epitome of this strength.

You may not rank high in any of these categories. Not to worry, more is to come. You will find your strength(s) before the week is over.  If you want to know more about it now visit the Positive Psychology website and take their survey: http://www.authentichappiness.sas.upenn.edu/Default.aspx

Recommended reading:

Authentic Happiness Using the New Positive Psychology to Realize Your Poetential for Lasting Fulfillment, Martin E.P Seligman, N.Y., Free Press, 2002.

Happiness Now: TImeless Wisdom for Feeling Good FAST, Robert HOlden, Ph.D. Hayhouse, 2007.

Emotional Intelligence: Why it can matter more than IQ, Daniel Goleman. Bantam Books, 1995.

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