Big Ego Or Self-Esteem?

By Leslie Fieger -

I received an email from a reader who wanted to know how it is possible to have a highly developed level of self-esteem without becoming, or seeming to be, egotistical. The very question shows that our cultural brainwashing works to limit one’s belief in one’s self and self worth. Being egotistical is seen to be a negative thing and, by inference, those with extra high levels of self-esteem are taken to be egotistical; therefore bad.

First of all, let’s clarify the difference: Egotists are essentially insecure people who are attempting to cover up their own suspicion that they are not quite as good as other people by pretending that they are more important. People with very high levels of self-esteem do not need to determine their self-worth by comparing themselves, either publicly or in their own minds, with others.

An egotistical person’s sense of self-worth is mostly determined by external conditions, circumstances or events.

They promote themselves so that they can be convinced of their own value by the feedback they receive from peers, fans, voters, employees or even their own children. They often strive to be high achievers because they can then get the acclaim of others, in the hope that this acclaim will somehow prove their worth; though it seldom erases the suspicion that they are unworthy. It is not a bad thing to be egotistical; it is just sad.

A self-esteemed person’s sense of self-worth is mostly determined by internal conditions like attitude, compassion, belief, passion and personal vision. They also tend to have a direct sense of their relationship with divinity. Not the kind of divinity promulgated by preachers, mullahs and gurus who teach that human beings are base creatures who can only merit salvation by submitting to the will of some god; but the kind of divinity that teaches that all things, including you, are sacred and worthy of being honored as such.

That’s the trick to having a high level of self-esteem: to know yourself as being both a sacred creature and a divine creator; and then to honor yourself as such by acting as such. If you want to develop a high level of self-esteem, you must first come to know your true self and then, you must fall in love with your true self. That’s another bit of cultural brainwashing you must overcome. Self-love is often seen as narcissism or extreme vanity. It is not; any more than self-esteem is egotism.

So change your perspective. Having a high level of self-esteem does not equate to being egotistical. If others wish to interpret your sense of self-worth as meaning that you have a big ego, let them. That’s their problem, not yours. Loving yourself unconditionally does not equate to narcissism. It is simply honoring that spark of divinity that resides in you. Those who also honor their own divinity will not think you vainglorious; they will simply say “namaste”. Namaste means, ‘the sacred in me recognizes and honors the sacred in you’.

Forget the big ego. Know thyself; honor thyself; love thyself. Then go about your job of being a contribution to your fellow creatures. Modern day culture teaches that the more you accumulate, the more you are worth. The truth of the matter is that the more you give, the more you are worth. The more you are worth, the more wealthy you can become. If you want to be wealthy, develop your self-esteem. If you want to be prosperous, become abundantly worthy. Believe in you.

The true measure of your wealth is not measured by what you are able to accumulate, but by what you are enabled to contribute.

© Leslie Fieger. All rights reserved worldwide.

Leslie is the author of several books, including The Master Key, Alexandra’s DragonFire, Your Prosperity Paradigm and The DELFIN Trilogy: The Initiation, The Journey and The Quest. You can find more wealth creation information at ProsperityParadigm.com or LeslieFieger.com

Reprinting and republishing of this article is granted only with the above credit included. Permission to reprint or republish does not waive any copyright.

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Happiness Comes From Within

By Arnold Quickley -

Whenever I start feeling like the world is too heavy for my meager shoulders, I try to think about all of the people who continue to live wonderfully happy lives, despite very adverse circumstances. How do they do it? How can they still manage to laugh and play in the midst of an incredibly stressful life? The answer to this question is not hard. True happiness comes from within, and internal joy is rarely affected by external events.

How does one become genuinely happy? The first, and often not so obvious, step is to start loving yourself. My brother, a Catholic priest and religion professor, once told me that “real love requires acceptance.” So, if you truly want to start loving yourself, it means accepting the fact that you are not perfect. People make bad choices all the time. Genuinely happy people always manage to find the courage to recover from their mistakes. If you’re really serious about finding true happiness, it’s important for you to accept the fact that you’re only human. From time to time, you will mess things up.

Genuine happiness also comes from contentment. If you are truly contented with your job, the way you look, your family, your friends, the place you live, your car, and all the other things in and around your personal space, you already know the answer to the question “How do I find genuine happiness?”

This journey we call life is really about learning the difference between right and wrong, trying and failing, and even wining and losing. These are the things that happen to us almost as often as we breathe. In many of our lives, failure has become as abundant and necessary as air. Yet, these failures should never stop us from becoming happy.

Genuinely happy people don’t normally wallowing in their failures. Instead, they tend to look at failure from a more optimistic point of view. Optimists believe failure is just a temporary setback, and that the causes are confined to just one case. So, an optimist will only focus on and plan for the problem at hand. They often use a technique known as “positive reinterpretation.” In other words, they will most likely interpret a negative experience in a way that helps them learn and grow. People who embrace this optimistic outlook are rarely deeply affected by failure, since they perceive it as a challenge, and they will therefore try harder.

Genuine happiness isn’t about driving the hottest car, or living in the biggest house. In reality, true happiness has very little to do with the accumulation and possession of material things. Contrary to what you might think, the most sought after prizes in life don’t always go to the fastest, the strongest, the bravest, or even the best. Why? It’s because each of us has our own definition of happiness. For a writer, true happiness may mean creating a best selling novel. Happiness for a professional basketball rookie may mean getting the rookie of the year award. However, for a beggar, real happiness could be as simple as getting a hot meal.

While true happiness isn’t about having all the best things in the world, it is about doing your best, and making the most out of every situation. Until you learn to smile at your own mistakes and tell yourself you’ll do better next time, strong will and determination will never burn inside you. True happiness requires a willingness to stand up and try again, especially when you get knocked down.

Learning to accept yourself and your own faults, is the first step toward finding genuine happiness. And once you’ve learned to accept yourself, it won’t be much of a stretch for you to accept others. Remember, love is really about acceptance, and when you know how to accept others, you will also be accepted. One of life’s unchanging rules is the fact that you always get back what you put out.

“But what is happiness except the simple harmony between a man and the life he leads?” – Albert Camus

Arnold Quickley manages two websites: http://www.teasetsworld.com and http://www.origamiboxes.etsy.com

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Spring into Action (Pun intended)

By Irene Conlan -

The lovely message below was in my early morning e-mail and is so rich I want to share it with you. It is from my dear friend Cindy Loughran, a top notch coach who is getting ready to do a “Spring into Action” group coaching program. It might be  just the thing you need to get you off “dead center”  and, knowing Cindy, it won’t be just good it will be great. Read the note and, if  you want to know more see “New Stuff”  down in the right lower corner of this blog page. It will take you to her site. The note itself makes you want to get up and get things done, doesn’t it?

Dear Irene,

It’s Spring.  A time for rebirth and renewal. The time we in the northeast
part of the U.S. tentatively poke our noses outside in search of the first
green sprout!  Nature is waking up the flora and fauna and creating bright
green stalks of new hope.  The changing of the seasons seems almost
impossible…the sudden shift from brown to green.

There are probably things in your life you’d like to give new life to, changes
you’d like to make, dormant dreams you long to awaken.  And, it may seem
impossible for you to take action and see your desires through. But,  WHAT IF
THE THINGS YOU’VE THOUGHT WERE IMPOSSIBLE REALLY AREN’T?
What if you could make the changes you’ve been promising you’d make as soon
as…(fill in the blank), now?  What would you do?  What would your life look
like if you had a breakthrough in an area of your life in which you’ve been
stuck?
“Life lived for tomorrow will always be just a day away from being realized.”
Leo Buscaglia

Most people are unsuccessful making changes in their lives because they don’t
have the right kind of structure and enough support to see them through. They
have stories about all of the things that are in their way and they relate to
these stories as if they are the unalterable truth.  I know. I’ve done it!
And, I’ve also experienced unimaginable success when I’ve followed a specific
process and surrounded myself with the right people to buoy me up and keep me
on track.

You can too and I want to partner with you to make it happen.  It may be easier
than you think.

If you are ready to get healthier, feel more relaxed under pressure, engage in
conversations that up until now have felt too scary, lose weight, take your
business to the next level, or totally change direction, you’ll want to check
out my upcoming group coaching program, Change Champion: Spring into Action.

Take care of yourself this spring by making your ‘as soon as’ NOW.

Remember, the thing I care most about is helping people make the changes they
want to make in their lives in order to be healthier, happier and more fulfilled!
It would be an honor to help you!
Embrace change,

Cindy Loughran
Change Champion

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Be Happy Now

By Margaret Meloni -

What is standing between you and happiness?

Some people will tell you their life is OK right now, but it is going to be so much better. And it is going to be so much better when:

  • They change jobs.
  • They make X dollars per year.
  • They have a new partner.
  • They finish remodeling their house.

The list goes on and on. But why does your happiness have to be contingent upon some external factor? What is it about that new job that will make you happy? What is it about the money that will make you happy? Why is it that the money you make now does not make you happy but more money will make you happy?

Why delay being happy to some future moment based on some future goal? I am not saying do not set and obtain goals. I am not saying don’t strive to make more money or to improve your home. What I am saying is that by deciding that your happiness is based upon one of those future external goals is to deny yourself happiness right now.

So when you say, “I will be happy when….” you are cheating yourself right now. You are here and alive right now. You don’t know about tomorrow, you do have today.

So yes, work on your future. But remember that you can look around you and be happy with where you are right now. It is all about your perspective. Your happiness comes from within you, not from money and jobs and houses.

Be happy now. The choice is yours and the minute you make that choice the happier you will feel.

Want to use this article in your eZine or web site?

You can, as long as you include this complete blurb with it: Margaret Meloni is dedicated to helping professionals become free from the work related conflict that prevents them from experiencing peace. Margaret Meloni publishes the ‘Turning Point’ eZine on a bi-weekly basis. Contact Margaret at info@MargaretMeloni.com. You can learn more about Margaret and her courses, programs, and products at: http://www.margaretmeloni.com

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March 1, 2011 – Success

How can they say my life is not a success? Have I not for more than sixty years got enough to eat and escaped being eaten?
~ Logan P. Smith

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Self Acceptance Is the First Step to Achieving Success

By Patricia M Hines -

Success is a very elusive word. What does success really mean? According to Websters Dictionary the word success has several meanings. The first definition given is an event that accomplishes its intended purpose and the second is an attainment that is successful.

Success of the lack thereof depends almost solely on the persons’ own perception and the degree that he accepts himself as being worthy of success.

In the world today Success is usually equated with wealth, stature, good reputation and prosperity. In other words a person is successful if the world perceives that the person has done better than the norm, without regard to the person’s own perception of success.

I believe I attain success if I meet the goals that I have set for myself, and am happy in my skin. There is a lot of feeling that goes along with success. I feel that I have succeeded because I met my goal of attaining a balance between what my peers expect and what I want and need. The rest of the world may see me as a failure because I have no money, no notable accomplishments, no notoriety, but that is superficial and does not respect my personal perception of success.

A very wealthy person, who owns many high dollar possessions, and whose word is listened to as if it was Sacred, may still be striving for success because he doesn’t feel successful. Success is much deeper than outer appearances.

Success is really a very personal, private feeling. The degree to which one can feel successful is dependent on how the person perceives himself and how he accepts himself. The awareness one has about himself is the gold standard of success. The world may give accolades to a person for having succeeded in some endeavor, but if the person himself does not feel worthy of the accolades, he feels no success. Another person who has no claims to notoriety, money, or power may still feel very successful.

Personal success is not the bottom line of a balance statement ending in a bunch of zeros. For an individual success is personal satisfaction. A person who feels genuine comfort and satisfaction with his or her life is successful.

Life is not one-dimensional. Sometimes we are so consumed with attaining the “American Dream’ that we lose sight of what really matters: inner peace. Where there is inner peace there is self acceptance. With self acceptance success is a given. This self acceptance exactly fits the dictionary’s second definition of success. Nothing could be more successful than inner peace and self acceptance.

Patricia M Hines invites you to visit her blog at http://lessons2liveby.com
This blog is about motivation, goal setting and ways to make life easier by improving your comfort zone. Please stop by and visit. Your comments, suggestions, and tips are welcome. Thank you.

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LISTEN NOW to Richard Norris Talking About Self Leadership

Richard Norris, an acclaimed author, speaker and leadership coach will challenge some ideas long held about leadership and will discuss how you can make the transition from “boss” to leader. He will draw from his vast experience with both success and failure to give you “inside information” on why some leaders fail and others succeed. He will talk about what makes a peak performer and  explain what F.A.I.L.U.R.E. really means.  Would you like to know how to choose a leadership/success coach that is right for you?  Are you truly interested in success? Then you don’t want to miss this show.

To  Listen CLICK HERE

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How to Motivate Anyone Including Yourself With 7 Minutes and a Cup of Coffee

By Dr. Richard Norris(Note: Dr. Richard Norris will be our guest on The Self Improvement Show on Feb. 24)

Do you, your team or organization need to overcome obstacles and deliver results?

Perhaps, you are having issues motivating your team or even yourself?

Do you need to know how to find those elusive “hot buttons” that ignite people into action?

Until a few years ago I would have answered, “Yes” to all of these. Then one day I had an epiphany.

You cannot motivate anyone!

Yep. You heard me. You cannot motivate anyone…except yourself. Think about it.

Motivation is very personal and comes from within us. Let’s look at the definition.

Motivation n: the reason or reasons behind one’s actions or behaviour (Oxford Dictionary)

Whether it is the primal drivers of the need for food and perpetuation of the species as in migrating salmon or it is because you have been made redundant thanks to the recent recession and you are motivated to provide for your family, the reason motivates you. There may be external factors but the driver comes from within.

Now what you can do is inspire others. Inspiration is initiated externally. At its root, inspire relates to “breathing in”. Oxford Dictionary defines inspiration as:

The process or quality of being inspired; a person or thing that inspires.

That is we must breathe it into ourselves first. Breathe in the inspiration and then use it, as the body uses oxygen, to help us to live and wilfully act upon our surroundings.

Inspiration precedes motivation. You need to be inspired and motivated to inspire others to become motivated.

No matter the audience, when I have asked for a show of hands those who could tell me exactly what motivates the people around them at work, rest or play, there has been very few or no hands up. A sad testimony don’t you think. No wonder there is such a chronic need today for effective leadership development?

Now think of Dr Martin Luther King’s “I have a dream” speech. He inspired a movement that was motivated to bring about cultural change. That inspiration came about because Dr King connected with his audience. He connected with them at an emotional and spiritual level. He was giving them the vision that inspired them. The intention was to pass them the baton to make it happen. As leaders know, or most of them anyway, they cannot deliver the vision on their own. They need help.

Share the Dream

So for you to motivate anyone you must first share the dream. Communicate it clearly, consistently, constantly and creatively.

Next help your motivatees to understand their purpose as it relates to achieving the dream, goal or target. Help them to connect with it so they understand their part and how meaningful their part is in the achievement. Help them T.E.A.M U.P. – Together Everyone Achieves More Understanding Purpose.

Using a football analogy, every player has a position and with that position comes role to play (their purpose) in the game plan especially when they understand the importance of working as a team. No game plan. No awareness of their role. Out of position. Bad result.

Key Questions

Here is a question worthy of some significant consideration. Ask yourself. Ask your team.

If we do this in sport, why do we not tend to do it in business or even in at home?

Your role is to understand your purpose and, where relevant, help your motivatees to identify theirs and how it fits into the inspiring bigger picture. Do that and motivation is beginning to take form.

As the late Jim Rohn said, “When the why gets strong the how becomes easy.”

Inspire the team. Power comes when you align the individual’s purpose with the team’s purpose. The individual becomes aware, perhaps for the first time, how key they are to the success of the team or the organization. After all, teams win championships not individuals because they work as a team playing off each other’s skills, knowledge, experience and responsibilities.

Now you might be asking how do you help your motivatees to discover their purpose?

Well, one simple way to gain insight into what may motivate someone is to ask them the following question:

If you had unlimited resource in your life, what would you do?

Everyone is born with a purpose. It is hard-wired into their DNA. Everyone has strengths and gifts that will support that purpose. Regrettably, most people never discover what their purpose, gifts or strengths are. This is a way to draw it out.

Another couple of simple clarifying questions to ask them are:

What comes easy to you?

What’s your dream?

These answers will begin to enlighten you (and hopefully them) as to what those “hot buttons” might be.

Now that we have some lights coming on, what value would it be to you, your team and your organization etc if you had a simple and effective method or tool that enabled you (and everyone else for that matter) to really know what those “hot buttons” really are in about 7 minutes over a cup of coffee?

The Hot Box

Enter the “Hot Box”. Draw it out.

This is a 3 x 3 matrix with:

i.Left to right the headings 90 days – 1 year – 3 years across the top

ii. Top to bottom the headings Personal Goals – Professional Goals – Personal Development Goals

Sit down with your team-mate and work with them to fill in this box.

For illustration purposes, let’s use a work scenario and overlay the success model first devised by Napolean Hill – Be x Do = Have. Who we are combined with our actions delivers the results.

1. Ask them why they go to work. The answer you are looking for is so they can make money so they can invest it in their personal lives to deliver the lifestyle they aspire to.

2. Ask them to fill in 1-3 personal goals they would like to achieve over the next 90 days, 1 year and 3 years. Examples could be an all-inclusive vacation to the tropics or buy a house or start a hobby. This helps you both identify what is driving them, their “Why?” – their “hot buttons”. These are the ultimate results or the “Haves”

3. Help them make the connection between their personal goals and their professional goals. Ask them what they need to achieve in their professional role over 90 days, 1 year and 3 years that will ensure they then have the resources to deliver the personal goals. The answers go in the respective boxes. These answer “What?” they need to do to achieve those personal goals. They represent the “Dos”. If they do not act on these, they won’t get the results they desire.

4. Assuming that as time progresses they desire to grow, help your motivatee to then establish their personal development goals in their professional role. A great question to ask here is, “Who do you need to ‘be’ to deliver your professional goals?” Examples could be they need training to be more productive or to be better at sales or be a better manager. These answer “Who” they need to become and helps identify their development needs. Emphasize the connection between “Who” they need to become with “What” they need to do and “Why” that is so important to them.

Completed this way, you will have a Personal Motivation Plan - a record for yours and their reference at any time. And all it takes is about 7 minutes.

Now there is a piece missing. Do the following and you and everyone else nearby will know what the “hot buttons” are.

5. Once completed, request that your motivatee then obtain a picture that represents each respective Personal Goal and post it where they (and you et al) can see it easily and frequently e.g. a photo next to their phone, computer or car sun visor or an image on their iPhone or as a screensaver. This provides a constant reminder of “Why” they are truly there – for them and for you and for the rest of the team.

6. Now, as and when required, you can hit their “hot button” and reinforce their motivators. Ask a question like, “So, how are you getting on to attaining that dream holiday?” to reconnect them with their purpose. Or comment, “Now that you have made this project so profitable, congratulations on your raise! Now you will have the down payment for that house.” You get the idea.

No Excuses!!

So now are you motivated? Go get some coffee, carve out 7 minute blocks, sit down and pull out the Hot Box. Now you have no excuses. Ask. “Why?” “What?” “Who?” Ignite yourself. Then ignite the team. You will be glad you did. Oh…And please let me know how you get on.

Dr Richard Norris
Your Performance & Legacy Coach
Author of “Hoof it! 7 Key Lessons on Your Journey of Success”

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“The Road, Not Macon” (with apologies to Robert Frost)

By Neil Tepper, The Creativity Doctor -

When I give a talk in Atlanta, I like to pose this question: “How do you get to Macon from here?” Usually, hands go up and everyone says: “Straight shot, down I-75.” Indeed, Macon, Georgia, is a 90-mile/90-minute drive, straight down the freeway from Atlanta.

While nodding my head in agreement, I remind the audience that there are, of course, countless ways to get to Macon. The freeway — the “straight shot” — is just one of them.

And so it is, when we consider the route to the goals in our lives — business success, meaningful relationships, happiness and well-being … Each of them an ambition to be pursued. Like Macon, a destination to be reached.

Although there are many ways to achieve our objectives, the fact is that in our 24/7/365, hurry-to-get-there lives, we usually opt for the quickest, most direct, straight shot to get there. It makes sense doesn’t it? I mean, with time ticking and competition lurking?

But what if, in passionate pursuit of our life’s desires, we pause for a moment? What if, for just a moment, we take a breath and consider the options, the alternatives — the many routes to our goal that exist in the moment — in addition to the fastest one?

So, what if … on our journey to success and fulfillment, we don’t automatically speed down I-75? What if we were to slow down and carefully consider the nature of our current circumstance? Not what was the case yesterday or might be the case next week, but what the conditions are in this moment?

Is it really a money issue that is facing us? Is it really a matter of not having enough time to accomplish what we seek? Is it really the other person that is blocking our way?

When we pause … and take an honest look at where we are now in our lives and where we’re headed, lots of ideas can occur to us. Choices open up. Alternative roads appear. Previously-hidden paths are revealed.

While the thinking mind is an amazingly effective tool, it is strict and logical, left-brain and linear, like I-75. Driven by what it thinks it knows, our thinking mind calculates the direct, business-as-usual, most predictable route to the goal. A straight shot to success and happiness.

On the other hand, the creative road is a curvy, meandering sort of right-brain ride, along the arc of the changing moment. It’s more experiential than intellectual. More steady flow than get-up-and-go. More scenic than ex-speed-ient. An unpaved path to new possibilities.

So, let’s go for a ride right now. Let’s take the creative road to Macon — to our goal —  for a change. The first thing we notice is that it’s quieter, slower, more winding than the freeway. It’s rich with sounds and scenery we’ve never experienced before. Rolling along on this ribbon of here and now, we come to appreciate the peaceful, easy feeling. No hurry, no anxiety: a relaxed ride.

Around the next bend, we see a little country store and turn towards it, oblivious of the time, ignoring the thoughts that remind us about the race to achieve and attain. We shut off the hot and overworked engine and pause to take in the cool breeze, the fragrance of wild flowers, the sounds of birds. Experiencing the moment through our senses.

We go into the store and buy a Coke. As we’re savoring the cool, sweet, fizzy drink — not even looking at our watch — an alluring woman introduces herself to us. Her name is Serendipity. Our senses tingle. A moment later, a genteel fellow shows up. His name is Synchronicity. It’s an exciting rush. And, on the way back to our car, we meet Lucky, who totally charms us. We’re soon on our way again, still headed towards our destination, but refreshed and renewed.

Now, couldn’t we have met these aspects of Creativity at Exit 39A on I-75? Of course. But, when we take the fast lane, we’re more focused on the goal ahead, the destination. We’re less aware of the present moment, the experiences on the road itself. We’re less inclined to notice the subtleties of Serendipity; less patient about spending time with Synchronicity; too rushed to see Lucky beckoning.

In freeway mode, it’s buzz in, fill-er-up and buzz out. On cruise-control. When we slow down our process — take the side roads to our goal — we’re more able to feel what’s in the moment. Our creative channel opens wide, allowing more time and space for unexpected possibilities to show up on the way to our objective.

When we tune into the moment, trust the creative process — beyond logic and history and the predictability of what we’ve always known — we free ourselves to experience new things, new people, new opportunities, along the way. In each new moment of every new day.

Of course, some circumstances in life require us to move quickly. Deadlines and payment schedules; other people and their circumstances sometimes need attention and action from us, right NOW. And, so sometimes it’s prudent to take the freeway, the highway, straightaway to our goal.

But, not all circumstances are so pressing. Not all the time. Being creative means making decisions based on an array of choices in the moment. Choosing what feels right, right here, right now. Right-brain. By pausing and feeling the moment, we can override our automatic thinking mind and use our senses to feel what’s between this and that choice. Perhaps we can choose this and that. Take the freeway for a while and side road for a few miles. There’s more than one way to Macon.

As hurrying humans, we get caught up with speed and straight lines and forget the universe is drawn in circles and curves. We forget that we have a choice in winding our way through the curvature of the world. We can choose to meander on lesser-traveled roads sometimes. When we do, we’re more likely to encounter Serendipity, Synchronicity, Lucky and other new, high ways to possibility.

So, next time you face a challenge, pursue a goal or set out on a destination you yearn to reach, remember to pause before lurching towards your been-there-done-that way of getting there. Let your senses do the driving and hear what the moment speaks to you. Open your creative channel to feel all the roads that lead from the here and now of where you are.

Many “roads diverge in the wood.” When you allow for that — when you realize that it’s the journey, not the destination; that it’s the process, not the outcome; that, it’s the road, not Macon — well, that will make all the difference.

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The Big Question for Many: Who Am I, Really?

By Joyce Shafer -

Let’s look at where things go off track for the others. We have a perplexing set-up as human beings: We come into our lives to be individualized expressions of our unique selves AND are completely dependent on others to meet our basic needs, for a period of time; and hopefully they meet more than just the basics. After a certain age, we still need others to fulfill the various aspects of our lives.

As we grow up, we find we have certain likes and dislikes and certain feelings, all or some of which are either supported or discouraged by others, who are initially our caregivers; then others are included as our circle of others expands. It’s either implicit or explicit that if we want acceptance from particular family members or the family unit (and beyond that unit, i.e., schools, places of religious worship, work environments, etc.), we are to demonstrate certain behaviors, even if it means suppressing what we genuinely feel and who we genuinely are at times. Sometimes, even the exploration of who we really are is discouraged. A minority are encouraged to explore who they really are and to create a way to have a fulfilling life according to who they know themselves to be.

Because we realized that social environments function better if we seek to collaborate and tolerate each other within a range of what we call acceptable behaviors, we aim at ways to accomplish this and adjust these relationships on an ongoing basis. But a conflict exists: We feel driven to explore and express ourselves as unique individuals and also driven by our need to conform (within an acceptable range) to standards of behaviors.

The point to be made here is that just as any structure has a foundation arranged a certain way, no matter how the interior and exterior walls are painted or decorated later, so do you have a personality blueprint that is your foundation, no matter what else you decorate that with or how many times you change, adjust, modify, or try to force the outward bits-what you show others about who you are.

Aspects of who you are, which you may have believed or that others may have told you are foibles, flaws, or character failures can show up as part of your blueprint, meaning they are part of you and your life for a reason, for a purpose; and no pep-talk is ever going to change the fact of it, though you may be able to modify these aspects so they work in your favor. Knowing and accepting this, can act as a form of permission for you to be you.

It is enormously frustrating to know something about yourself and either believe it’s wrong to be that way or that there’s something wrong with you. I’m not referring to serious psychiatric matters that do need attention, but rather the issues many deal with on a daily basis that cause self-doubt (and self-disapproval) to be so rampant. We do this to ourselves, and we do this to others.

• Self-doubt (and self-disapproval) is going to happen if your blueprint is one of low energy and others are insisting that you have to be high energy or higher than you naturally are.
• Self-doubt (and self-disapproval) is going to happen if you are more like the tortoise than the hare about making big decisions and one or more “hares” are saying there must be something wrong with you.
• Self-doubt (and self-disapproval) is going to happen if what you really believe would be a fulfilling career and life for you is being touted as too small by bold, adventurous types or too risky by those who need safe plateaus.
• Self-doubt (and self-disapproval) is going to happen when you feel and behave one way when you’re with others and it’s never or seldom how you behave on your own, and you believe something is wrong with you for being this way.
• Self-doubt (and self-disapproval) happens when you feel or know yourself to be one way but have been convinced by yourself or others that you HAVE to (should) feel or be another way; and this avoidance or denial of your authentic self rubs like sandpaper against your soul’s desired expression.

From the moment we’re born, there are a number of people telling us what we should think, feel, say, do, believe, and be like. And it continues long after childhood. It’s far too seldom that anyone asks, “What do you really feel (think, believe, have to say, want to do)?” Is it any wonder so many people are confused and even afraid to explore who they are, despite craving this?

A good place to start is to ask your self what YOU think and feel. You don’t have to necessarily act on it right off; just agree to be honest with yourself about anything you feel in conflict with about who you know yourself to be. It’s pretty darn difficult to aim at a fulfilling, successful life when you don’t have a clue what that means for your authentic nature, and are afraid to explore this.

You are what you practice.
© Joyce Shafer

You are welcome to reprint this article as long as you use my complete bio.

Shift self-sabotaging behaviors & discover your authentic self through Your Personality Blueprint with Joyce Shafer (jls1422@yahoo.com), You Are More! Empowerment Coach, author of I Don’t Want to be Your Guru, but I Have Something to Say & other books/ebooks. Articles & Extras in her free weekly newsletter; more about Your Personality Blueprint profiles & coaching; get How to Have What You REALLY Want free when you subscribe at http://stateofappreciation.webs.com

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Joyce_Shafer
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