By Irene Conlan -
The program, “The Bachelor” certainly changes the concept of romance, doesn’t it? Over a several month time period Jake is “in love” with four women. Now it’s three because Ali left when given an ultimatum, either return to work or lose your job. Jake didn’t have a clue, he said, about who he was going to eliminate that night. That was way too insecure for Ali who, after a lot of tears and trying to get Jake to tell her she’s “the one,” took the waiting limousine out. (It’s interesting to me that the limousine just happened to be there waiting for her even though she had only minutes before made the decision to leave). Do any of the women love Jake or do they just want to win?
It’s hard for the audience to tell what’s going on because Jake says the same thing to and about each of the women. At the end of the series he is supposed to ask one of them to marry him and present her with an engagement ring. He couldn’t have had more than six dates with this woman unless we see only the proverbial tip of the iceberg.
What happened to getting to know each other first? What happened to seeing how compatible you are on all levels – emotional, physical, intellectual and spiritual? Have we come to believe that marriage and commitment are jokes? I believe most people have more common sense than this but those who don’t can easily believe that love is like this and get carried away in a whirlwind of lust and romantic ideas, but when there are bills to pay and diapers to change, things don’t look so rosy.
We seen to be confusing love with infatuation. But at it’s best love is confusing – in fact it’s almost impossible to define and describe. It’s easier to say what it isn’t than what it is. “I just love pizza” certainly signifies a different kind of love than “I love Jim” or “I love Julie” and certainly different from “‘Til death do us part.”
In a committed relationship, there must be more than physical attraction, great sex and fun, fun fun if it is to last. The ingredients to a successful love relationship and lasting compatibility may vary somewhat with the culture and with the couple but generally they are:
- A mutual cherishing one of the other. When you cherish something you value it and care for it – it is precious to you. If you do not cherish your significant other do not proceed into a committed relationship. This precludes the need to “overhaul” your mate in any way.
- Mutual respect
- A sense of humor and the ability to laugh an one’s own foibles.
- A forgiving spirit
- A balance of power and responsibility
- A desire to give rather than take from your partner
- A commitment to make the relationship work and have a mutual plan for success
- A “fight plan” so that when tempers flare and trouble ensues there’s an agreed-on plan to deal with it in a loving way.
- Meaningful loving gestures and deeds on a daily basis. Find ways to show you care. Little things add up to wonderful positive feelings.
- Appreciation for who your partner is and what he/she does. The appreciation needs to be expressed often.
- Thoughtfulness
- Maintain mutual interests
- Find ways to answer the question, “What do you do when it stops being new?”
Notice that I didn’t talk about great sex. If those qualities are present the sex has almost got to be great and, if not, both are able and willing to find ways to make it fantastic.
With these ingredients present a relationship can grow and deepen over the years and you can be one of those beautiful older couples walking down the street holding hands and smiling at each other. Is there anything more beautiful than that?
