Can love be real without sincerity? Most would agree that sincerity is what makes love what it is. Genuine love is true. And it is true love that we all want. We want to know we are sincerely loved for who we are. We want to know that it is with sincere motives that those who love us say and do the things they say and do for us. We want to know a love that enables us to trust without fear of being unloved and rejected. We want a love that remains loyal and faithful to us no matter what happens. We want to be loved sincerely. And that is how others want to be loved by us as well.

Sincerity is most evident when we are honest and truthful with others. It requires us to be our true selves rather than manipulate others into believing we are someone we’re really not. No one likes to be lied to or deceived. Lies and deception destroy trust. Betrayal of trust is probably the worst relationship pain we can experience. Without trust, relationships do not have a strong and solid foundation upon which to be built. Without trust we may question and doubt that we are truly loved. It is only when there is trust that we feel safe enough to open up our hearts to others and grow more sincere in our love.

Sincerity communicates love. When we are sincere we:

* Can be counted on to be honest and trustworthy

* Remain faithful and keep our word-making only promises that we can keep

* Are dependable and consistent in our words and actions

* Mean what we say and do not mislead with lies

* Are motivated by love that is genuine

* Can be our real selves and not be phony

* Will not deceive others for our own selfish means

* Do not flatter others to get our way

* Do not take advantage of others’ ignorance or innocence

* Have integrity and exemplify good morals

Love that is sincere is the real thing. It remains faithful in the face of betrayal. It is trustworthy regardless of others’ dishonesty. Its motives are pure and not corrupted by self-centeredness. Sincerity is a profession of love that is true.

REFLECTION:

What does it mean to be loved sincerely or genuinely?

Do I believe I am sincerely loved? By whom? How do I know?

Can love be true without honesty? Why or why not?

What motivates me most to say and do the things I say and do for others?

In what ways am I not my true self and give a false impression of who I am?

Can others trust me to mean what I say when I compliment them or share my thoughts and feelings?

Think about people you would describe as sincere. Does their sincerity enable you to trust them more? Why or why not?

EMPOWERING THOUGHTS & AFFIRMATIONS:

A relationship built on anything but trust and sincerity is like a house built on shifting sand.

I can be true to myself and others.

I choose to keep my promises or not make them if I cannot keep them.

I choose to be real because people who really like me will like me for who I am.

I choose to faithful and not compromise my values.

I choose to be honest in my compliments and avoid flattery and insincerity.

Character is much easier kept than recovered. ~Thomas Paine

It’s impossible to be who you’re not, so why not just be who you are? ~unknown

This above all: to thine own self be true. ~Shakespeare, Hamlet

Always be a first-rate version of yourself, instead of a second-rate version of somebody else. ~Judy Garland

It takes courage to grow up and become who you really are. ~e.e. cummings

The most exhausting thing in life is being insincere. ~Anne Morrow Lindbergh

Only the person who has faith in himself is able to be faithful to others. ~Erich Fromm

Taken from The 10 Keys to Happy & Loving Relationships Part 11 (Love is Sincere) by Krystal Kuehn, BeHappy4Life

Copyright © 2006, 2010 Krystal Kuehn. All Rights Reserved.

Krystal Kuehn, MA, LPC, LLP, NCC is a psychotherapist, author, teacher & musician. She is the co-founder of New Day Counseling, a family couples counseling and children therapy center and BeHappy4Life, an award-winning, self-help and inspirational site where you can find hundreds of free resources, insights & inspiration.

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It is difficult to restore a loving relationship when there is no forgiveness! Most people find forgiveness the most difficult aspect of love. To forgive others and to be forgiven ourselves is quite a challenging experience! Yet, this is essential for the repairing of any loving relationship.

Once we have the ability to forgive others, or be forgiven ourselves, we are on the way to once again exist in that reality of love – the meaning of life.

Not being able to forgive, or be forgiven, tears away at our very self. We feel less of a full human person. We feel damaged and sometimes even irreparably so. We feel that love is less in our lives or even missing.

Some people will claim that forgiveness is not always necessary. That time will heal all wounds. That all we need to do is to get on with our lives. I believe that on most occasions this is just a cop out, a search for an easy way out – yet not a real solution. (Unfortunately, some circumstances may lead to this through unexpected circumstances e.g. loss, departure or death of one party involved.) Even if most of the hurt can be forgotten with time, there is always some remnant of hurt, of inescapable pain, somewhere in the conscious or subconscious. This pain will invariably rise to the surface in the future, most likely when a similar circumstance prevails as was originally the hurtful situation.

We need to offer forgiveness if we are the perpetrator of the harm. We need to take that most challenging step to begin the process of recovery, the process of reconciliation. When we offer forgiveness the person who has been hurt has the opportunity to begin the process of returning to love.

If we are the ones harmed, and an offer of forgiveness is not forthcoming from the other person or group of people, we may need to expedite the situation through diplomatically giving them the chance to begin the reconciliation process. Diplomacy is often the best method, however for some people a more direct approach is necessary, but still needs to be done out of love, in a caring and respectful way.

When we are offered forgiveness we have the opportunity to begin to be reconciled. We need to accept the offer as soon as possible and work towards repairing the relationship.

The process may be quick and clean. However, it also may take time depending on our personal history with the person involved, as well as own personality.

We often need to forgive ourselves. This can be quite difficult. We need to learn to accept our own forgiveness and move on, just as we do when accepting forgiveness from others or when we offer others forgiveness.

Forgiveness is a crucial aspect in any loving relationship. To forgive allows the relationship to return to its proper loving place.

My e-books and websites are based on this and other similar philosophies and theologies. The e-books are written to offer the skills and strategies needed by religious schools and churches to get their most important messages out to their communities. The 2010 e-book manuals range in length from 329 to 369 A4 pages, which are written in a simple to read and implement summarized point format – this allows for a considerably large number of points to be detailed and acted upon. See http://churchparishmarketing.com and http://marketschools.com. You will also find numerous complimentary blog posts (over 150), hints and tips, news etc.

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When you think about the qualities found in a true “soul mate” relationship, what one word comes up most often on the top of your list?

Is it CHEMISTRY?  Probably.

Just the mention of this term conjures up powerful feelings and images for anyone who has ever been in or seeking a love relationship. It is often described as a feeling that leaves you breathless, excited and weak in the knees. Palms sweat, the heart races and the body tingles with nervous anticipation.

It is believed by virtually everyone that true love cannot exist without chemistry. Therefore, the conclusion most would-be lovers come to is that if they experience these intense feelings towards someone, they have the basis for an ideal and lasting relationship.

Right?  Maybe not. For this definition of chemistry is limited to one’s physical response to another person. It lacks an entire dimension that resides in our values, beliefs, personalities and worldview

In order to know you have the right connection with a potential (or existing) partner, it’s important to have a basic knowledge of what real chemistry consists of, instead of embracing only the myths that surround it. This can be difficult to do. This intense, physical passion is the stuff that Oscar winning movies and best-selling books are made of. So, take a step back for a minute and see if you recognize yourself in the following.

Sarah is a thirty something, very attractive and successful, professional female. She has been in a relationship for over a year with a man who is unfaithful, disrespectful and incapable (unwilling) to make any commitment to her. Yet, when he makes late night “booty calls”, forgets her birthday, or stands her up repeatedly – she remains available and willing, in spite of her general unhappiness and upset over their “relationship”. Why?   “I think I have mistaken great sex for love. I feel this intense chemistry and physical intimacy when we are having sex, even though he offers me nothing else. Over time, it has left me unhappy and feeling badly about myself.”

John is an attractive, intelligent, 30 something male who owns his own successful business. He’s dating a woman that he thinks he is in love with. He has knowledge that she has been out with other men. She cancels dates and is often critical and emotionally distant. She refuses to discuss commitment or taking the relationship to the next level. Yet, she turns to John for emotional, physical and financial help whenever she feels she needs it. Why does John continue to see her?  “She’s beautiful and the sex is great. We have such strong physical chemistry. It’s almost like an addiction for me. My friends can’t stand her and even I know she’s not really a “keeper”, but it’s hard to walk away.

These vignettes are great examples of how physical chemistry can be mistaken for the real thing. The attraction on one level is strong, yet these are not relationships that have the right elements to grow into happy and satisfying partnerships.

So, what is missing?

Kahlil Gibran defines it as “spiritual affinity”. It’s the hidden element of chemistry. It’s when two beings meet and connect on a deeper level. It can only be felt in the heart and soul. It’s about friendship, respect, humor and the feelings of warmth and contentment that come when you are in his/her presence.

People often report finding one without the other. This is understandably a cause of great frustration and confusion about whom should we choose and why. In order to understand this better, it is helpful to know how and when each facet of chemistry occurs.

Physical attraction (or lust) generally begins during our first contact with someone. It can DEVELOP into something more over time, yet some pull is there from the beginning. The chemical that results from this attraction (and intensifies it) is phenyl ethylamine – or PEA. It is a naturally occurring substance in the brain. Essentially, it is a natural amphetamine. It stimulates us and increases both physical and emotional energy. The attraction causes us to produce more PEA, which results in those dizzying feelings associated with romantic love. Another substance that is released by PEA is dopamine. This chemical increases a desire to be physically close and intimately connected.

When these chemicals are being secreted in larger doses, they send signals from the brain to the other organs of the body. If you wonder why you or someone is attracted to the “wrong” person, it may be because you are high on the physical response to these substances, which overwhelm your ability to use your head and exercise “good judgment and common sense”.

“Spiritual affinity” develops over time and repeated contact. When these feelings begin to emerge, the brain produces endorphins. These are more like morphine and result in an increased sense of calm that reduces anxiety and helps to build attachment. As relationships move into this phase they are characterized by more comfort, commitment and friendship.

Generally speaking, all “soul mate relationships” require at least some measure of each of these. The important thing to remember is that they come in stages, which is not to say that the physical attraction passes as one moves into a deeper connection. However, it changes. We cannot sustain those intense emotions as we travel down the road to commitment and a shared life. However, in healthy relationships those moments of intensity can and do occur for brief intervals at intermittent times.

Remember not to confuse great sex or deep friendship with romantic love. Instead, look for a measure of both of these in your feelings for another. For then you have the ingredients that lasting love is made from.

Toni Coleman, MSW is a licensed psychotherapist, relationship coach and founder of http://www.consum-mate.com. As a recognized expert, Toni has been quoted in many local and national publications including: The Chicago Tribune, The Orlando Sentinel, New York Daily News, Indianapolis Star and Newsweek newspapers and Family Circle, Woman’s Day, Cosmo Style, Tango, Men’s Health, Star (regularly quoted body language expert), and Nirvana magazines. She has been featured on abcnews.com; discovery.health.com; aolnews.com; MSN.com, Match.com and planetearthradio.com.  Toni offers dating help and relationship advice as the weekly love and dating coach on the KTRS Radio Morning Show (St. Louis, MO) and through her syndicated column, “Dear Dating Coach.”
Her newsletter, The Art Of Intimacy, helps over fifty-five hundred subscribers with its dating and relationship advice. Toni is a member of The International Coach Federation, The International Association Of Coaches and The National Association of Social Workers.

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