Effective Listening, More Important Than Speaking
A Monologue Is One Person Talking To Themselves.
A Heated Dialogue Is Two People, Talking To Themselves
It is selfish to try to make someone understand what you want to say, and selfless to understand what the other person is saying, or hearing.
The whole concept of effective communication skills is flawed. The flaw is that it implies the manipulation of another person to get them to hear and accept what you want to say. Yes, that make sense logically, but it is incomplete in a fair and balanced exchange.
It is much more important to be able to listen correctly to hear what is really being said, than to make another understand what you want to say, in the ultimate goal of perfect communication. More emphasis must be placed on effective listening and understanding.
If we look at this concept objectively, when two people are in conflict, it takes a long time to get the other person to hear you if they do not have an open mind and understand you or more importantly, if they even want to hear you, which in any sort of conflict or resistant situation, they probably do not.
Effective listening ties into being selfless, less self-centred, less self absorbed. It is more than just being able to listen fro the point of view of having another tool in your corporate skills toolbox. It is a refinement of your being, who you really are, and that changes everything in your life.
For the purpose of developing effective communication we have to focus more on effective listening, which requires an objective and open mind without fixed opinions, which requires becoming more selfless and less self absorbed.
It is amazing how many people love the sound of their own voice and are so consumed with what they are saying that they do not hear the other persons comments. If you have not noticed yet, then look for this common trait. When someone tells a story, notice how you or another person chimes in with their story to match or beat. Conversations are almost like a poker game with rounds of topping each other.
Listening is not just to the other person, it is listening to yourself.
Trying to make other people understand what you want to say is aggressive, enforcing, domineering and controlling. Being able to listen to what the other person is really saying is open, flexible, gentle and flowing, flowing like a river instead of a dam or dike blocking or moving the river off its natural course.
Reality is that 90% of humans will never even begin to learn to communicate effectively. Neither will they listen well. They are just not interested or willing because they usually do not see the need, thinking they do not have a problem. For those of us who wish to have better interactions through our life, more harmonious, less conflicts, this is where knowing how to speak well is important but listening is more important.
If you can speak well and convey concepts clearly and you feel proficient in your skills in communication yet you speak to someone who has no ability or desire to listen and hear what you are really saying, you will get frustrated and end in a conflict. Again, the ability to listen is far more important because you will hear the other persons closed mind.
You can quickly see what you are dealing with when talking to someone if you can determine their level of openness and potential for comprehension. If you cannot really listen and hear what they are saying, you cannot determine where they are at, then you can communicate until you are steaming with frustration of why they do not understand.
any time you say you do not understand, it is not that you do not understand. Rather it is that you do not want to listen, see or hear what is really going on. You are coming from a totally fixed opinion of your own creation. This means you may be able to convey your thoughts, ideas and opinions effectively. But you are not able to listen. So you are pouring water on solid concrete and wondering why the seeds are not taking root.
Where is the fault; the water, seeds or concrete? Or the thick head doing the pouring?
Listening is far more than just listening on the surface. It is a complex method of comprehending the way a human mind works. Then you alter your own personal mental makeup and way you interact with life.
Correct listening mixed with correct speaking, is the only way to have a much higher rate of happiness.
David Samuel is The Entrepreneur Monk, applying his understanding of the mind and emotions in business, relationships and personal growth.
Your mind makes you a success or failure, business skill is only a small part.
About the Author
David resolved the riddle of why we do what is bad for us yet do not do what is beneficial. He teaches that very effectively.
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